Interview with the guy who invented the Essence of Chicken

Thursday, June 17, 2010

In case you've been wondering what the ESSENCE OF CHICKEN is, it's a kind of a super health drink made of chicken and other herbs and spices designed to enhance your virility (the ability to satisfy a woman sexually) and strength (the ability to knock her unconscious in case you fail). With great power however comes great responsibility, as in the responsibility of having to gulp down one of the most vile substances on the planet. It's basically like acquiring one of the Infinity Gems of the Marvel Universe, but it's shaped like a dildo and you have to insert it all the way up your ass to get its full power.

Yes, I am aware I could have made better analogies. No pun intended.

Anyway, as a service to our readers, we invited for an interview the inventor of ESSENCE OF CHICKEN, who used to be some guy (and we shit you not) who wishes to be nameless for the duration of the interview probably to avoid being hounded by children whose lives were damaged irrevocably by its horrible taste.

So I understand you are British?

Yes. Are you trying to imply something about my nationality?

Nothing, nothing. I'm just surprised it's not made by the Chinese, who have dominated the realm of horrible-tasting product supplements for the last 2500 years.

Okay, one - essence of chicken does not taste as horrible as your saying and two, the stereotype of bad English food is just a lie.

Just like the Jewish Holocaust.

The Jewish Holocaust is true.

Right, and is continually being unacknowledged by denialists. Same thing.


Anyway, enough about that. Let's talk about your product. Essence of Chicken. Why is it called that?

Because it contains the essence of chicken.

And what exactly is the essence part of the chicken?

All of it.

All of it?

All of it. The whole thing. The whole chicken.

So you mean to tell me that inside each jar of that drink you are holding is a whole chicken.

Yes, after we're done preparing it of course.

Okay, what kind of preparation turns a chicken, birds beaks and all into a liquid substance as black as sin?

That's a secret. A state secret.

Is black magic involved? Because I swear I can't -

No. Not anymore for the last 500 years.

Wait did you just -

No. I am in fact a normal 50 year old man. You will continue with other questions now.

... Okay.


So is Essence of Chicken as healthy as people claim? Does it really make people stronger despite its ass-horrible aftertaste?

Haha. In Britain we have a saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

And how does essence of chicken do it?

Because it's made of whole chickens.


So there! Very simple, aye?

No. I don't really get it. How does grinding chicken into liquid make it healthier?

The chickens are very healthy and fresh.

Well I don't see how that helps. I can't even believe anybody would want to drink this.

Do you eat eggs, Mr. Redkinoko?

I do.

Well an egg is a whole chicken. An unborn one, so it's fresh too. It's not very healhty too, but I don't see you complaining about that.

But it's an egg!

Well Essence of Chicken is also an egg, after it's hatched, grown a healthy life in the country side and magically turned into a liquid form using our patented secret technique.

Oh god. You make it sound so horrible.

Not really. When I die I want to be turned into liquid also, like how did it in Dune. Like how my friend and co-invented Bert was treated after he died. He's always wanted to give a lot more to the customers.

Wait are you saying that -

Let's leave it at that, the man wants to rest in peace.

Okay. Do you have plans on actually making your drink at least palatable? Make it taste like something that didn't come from the netherworld's sewage line?

I must admit the drink is not for everybody, so we're actually trying to roll out new variations to the brand everybody's loved for the last 1000 years.




Are you going to ask me what it is?

I'm afraid already to do so, but what the heck. Go shit yourself silly.

Strawberry, Lemon, and Banana flavoring. I'm sure you'll love it.

Probably, but only when I'm unconscious.

Did I mention Essence of Chicken also does wonders on your dreams?


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