Full Disclosure

I just one to let this out. One more time. I am so fucking angry at my fucking job right now. For those of you who aren't too familiar about what I do, I am working for a year-old IT firm that absorbed my old company last year. Upon absorption, I retained my status as Lead Analyst of the Java team, and it's all been good. Or rather it would have, except after being absorbed by our new company, the workload that was coming from our client company more than doubled. Meanwhile, our team increased by a magnitude of big fat zero. Simple math says, everybody had to take in double responsibilities, and half the normal rest time.

Frequent friction between our team and our client's side lead to the decision of upper management that maybe, to solve issues that stem from people making mistakes because of overwork, it'd be a good idea to lynch everybody that made mistakes. Three more staff left/were force to leave, bringing our total strength from 16 to thirteen. One of the staff that got removed was my direct head, our section manager.

Not wanting to see some nobody to take the now vacant helm, I was literally forced into taking my boss' position, without so much as an increase in pay, or even a change in title. But I figured it had to be done, so I did it anyway. Our general manager said the promotion will follow eventually. My workload, already double, went triple because I had to do what my section manager used to do, on top of what I'm doing already. Chalk it up to experience. Suck it all in.

We were basically overloaded for the better half of this year. I couldn't even take one vacation leave for the last five months. Not a single fucking one. And we did our job as good as we could. My team basically outperformed the better part of this company in cost/revenue. And HK even sent good words to upper management for our performance.

We're not perfect and god knows we've had our share of mistakes along the way, but we knew we our standing. We were making money and the clients are happy. That's the bottom line.

Then came the appraisals. Our former section manager appraised most of my team, as well as me. And to his credit, I can understand his somewhat modest ratings, as it made sense to make sure that the bell curve to be normal, meaning more people get the middle value compared to the lower and upper extremes. We still got higher than the average so it's more than acceptable. (see graph)


After performing the appraisals, carefully informing the staff of their strengths and points of improvements, we submitted the results to management, who then performed the subsequent calculations for the actual performance adjustment.

Now this is where shit hit the fan. Somewhere along the way, somebody thought it wise to just move the scale up, even though it will pull everybody's scores down inexplicably and produce a motherfucking skewed distribution below.

Because of the adjustment, all of my team members, including me, suddenly appeared subpar. On a scale from A-H, the highest any single member of my team got was E, while some of us did not even get a rank (because they were too low).

Talk about pushing hard and slapping people in the face.

Can you imagine that? Working hard the whole year, being told by everybody including the upper management that your team is doing great, and is one miracle short of being Jesus and then you get a fucking F for all your hassles?

Because of that, and the amazingly stingy policy of management, I got a raise that's not even half of the first raise that I got when I started as a trainee, 5 years ago.

But nevermind the money. On top of that, upper management had the gall to tell my staff individually about complaints coming from HK, which appeared to be random, because even the highest regarded developers somehow got requests of demotion from HK. We verified this and the reports were obviously pulled out of thin air. No substantial evidence could be given. Nothing.

Of course I complained. Oh hell I complained. I asked management if they thought there was something wrong with the team getting real low results despite being good performers. They told me, yes there's something wrong with that. Then I ask them if it can be fixed. I got a big fat NO for an answer. You know what's worse than getting ripped? Being told by whoever ripped you that they really did rip you, but only because they know you can't do anything about it.

Morale in our group has been in an all time low since that day.

I have never been so insulted in my whole career as the day I got my appraisal results, to be honest. It wouldn't have hurt as much if it happened some other time. Any year but this year, because this year, fuck, I knew deep inside my heart that
this was the year I tried hardest.

I argued of course. And in the end, our general manager told me that he will try to make amends through the title adjustments that was supposed to happen after a month. If people got promoted, we figured, salaries are bound to go up and at the very least, people will get their needed reassurance that they didn't work their asses off just to get E's and F's.

Earlier, during a meeting, we were told that the promotions will not happen anytime this year, and even if it did, that I cannot promote everybody - a stark contrast to what I was told, and what I committed to my staff, simply because it's "hard" to do. Funny, because I can't remember an instance we stopped doing something just because it was "hard".

Appraisals are supposed to give people something to look forward to, something that will make them want to work more, because god knows work in itself is just toxic. This year, the appraisal worked opposite, making you just want to work less sterlingly.

And personally, doing management work while retaining my old title is awkward as fuck. Nobody wants to get instructed by somebody who's barely their rank.

What the fuck.

People will think this post is biased on my side, because I'm angry and I just need to vent out. I don't really care. I have numbers to back my side. Substantial numbers that can prove beyond the shadow of the doubt how much BS we got for our efforts.

MindBlogging: This Is It (the movie)

9:40PM, Outside the theater.

Is that Ben playing in the audio system? They're really going all out on this one huh.

Okay, I see lots of people outside the theater. This is the last full show. Why are there so many people? Somebody might recognize me.

Michael Jackson hat count: five. Fuck it, I'mma go get me popcorn.

Oh sweet. This popcorn can only be the best tribute to Michael. Overflowing pop inside a plastic container.

Okay, my sisters are screaming like crazy. I should have bought something else. Like a face mask. Or extra dignity.

9:45 Inside the theater.

Oh hey, trailers. I love trailers. They don't have Michael Jackson innit.

Fuck, New Moon. I've changed my mind. On with the movie.

Sisters are screaming again. I can feel parts of my soul silently shrinking.

This has got to be the longest "The Making Of" show I've ever seen.

Great, more commentaries from crusty white people and too-perky-to-be-normal black people.

So this kinda makes things more like "This Would've Been It" instead of "This Is It".

Michael Jackson is just so meticulous in everything. If I were one of these people, who rehearsed for months for a big fat nothing, I'd probably kill the doctor who OD'ed Jacko.

I will not make jokes about children appearing in this movie.

I will not make jokes about children appearing in this movie.

I will not make jokes about children appearing in this movie.

Sisters are screaming and clapping after every performance. The crowd's getting infected. I hear sporadic screaming too.

Michael Jackson started thanking everybody in his family but Janet Jackson. Does this mean the superbowl titty got her disowned?

Disowned by the weirdest person on earth. Wow that sucks.

To be fair, at 50 years old, Michael's in pretty good shape. But then again, plastic is supposed to last for hundreds of years before decaying.

Okay, my sister is staring at me. She can read my thoughts. I know it. I have to be careful. Rabid fans are deadlier than drunks.

More screaming. It's official. My sisters are now officially barred from mocking rabid Twilight fans. Forever.

There's a cute screaming MJ fan four rows above me. I wonder if she'll put out if I tell her I've seen the '96 concert.

On second thought, I'd rather stay here and try to recuperate what dignity I have left.

Out of popcorn. I'm on my own now. Damn it.

1 hour and 30 minutes. It's official, this shit is longer than the tribute we gave Mother Teresa.

Credit roll. Wow, the movie is actually over. My sisters are not leaving. The other fans are staying behind too.

This cannot be good. This cannot be good.

Okay, there's something else after the credits.

The whole theater is screaming now, including the fat chinese guy behidn me. I'm panicking. I'm panicking. I'm panicking.

False alarm. I need to urinate.

NOW.

Philippine Stock Broker Codes

This post is more of a post for me than you guys. Here is a list of Philippine stock broker and their corresponding broker codes. You will need this when monitoring which Brokerage is buying/selling what stock, specially when tracking the movements of holding companies. If it's relevant to your interests, you're welcome. If it's not, come back tomorrow or later. We'll talk about something else.



Broker Number Broker Name
101 A & A Securities, Inc.
104 A.T. De Castro Securities Corporation
237 Aaa Southeast Equities, Inc.
112 Ab Capital Securities, Inc.
102 Abacus Securities Corporation
103 Accord Capital Equities Corporation
369 Active Earnings, Inc.
232 Alakor Securities Corporation
105 All Asiasecurities Management Corporation
106 Alpha Securities Corporation
110 Angping & Associates Securities, Inc.
111 Ansaldo, Godinez & Company, Inc.
255 Apex Phils. Equities Corporation
388 Armstrong Securities, Inc.
116 Asia Pacific Capital Equities & Securities Corp.
117 Asiamerit Securities, Inc.
118 Asiasec Equities, Inc.
119 Astra Securities Corporation
120 Atc Securities, Inc.
220 Atr Kimeng Securities, Inc.
167 Aurora Securities, Inc.
124 B. H. Chua Securities Corporation
109 Ba Securities, Inc.
279 Bdo Securities, Inc.
122 Belson Securities, Inc.
123 Benjamin Co Ca & Company, Inc.
272 Bernad Securities, Inc.
221 Bnp Paribas Investment (Phils.), Inc.
207 Bnp Paribas Peregrine Securities, Inc.
126 Bpi Securities Corporation
128 Campos, Lanuza & Company, Inc.
186 Cdib Venture Investment (Asia) Limited
130 Century Securities Corporation
226 Chilip, Christopher
173 Christfund Securities (Phils.), Inc.
134 Citicorp Securities International (Rp), Inc.
203 Citiseconline.Com., Inc.
133 Citisecurities, Inc.
323 Clsa Philippines, Inc.
387 Coherco Securities, Inc.
141 Cualoping Securities Corporation
204 Da Market Securities, Inc.
143 David Go Securities Corporation
142 Dbp-Daiwa Securities Smbc Philippines., Inc.
184 Dbs Vickers Securities (Phils.), Inc.
209 Deutsche Regis Partners, Inc.
145 Diversified Securities, Inc.
328 Dw Capital, Inc.
212 E*Trade Securities Corporation
147 E. Chua Chiaco Securities, Inc.
283 Eagle Equities, Inc.
150 Eastern Securities Development Corp.
149 Eastwest Capital Corporation
151 Ebc Securities Corporation
261 Eib Securities, Inc.
153 Equitiworld Securities, Inc.
154 Evergreen Stock Brokerage & Securities, Inc.
162 F. Yap Securities, Inc.
155 Feb Stock Brokers, Inc.
243 Fidelity Securities, Inc.
156 Finvest Securities Company, Inc
159 First Integrated Capital Sec., Inc.
267 First Metro Securities Brokerage Corporation
157 First Orient Securities, Inc.
108 Five Karats Property Holdings, Inc.
160 Fortune Securities, Inc.
161 Francisco Ortigas Securities, Inc.
288 G. D. Tan & Company, Inc.
165 G. K. Goh Securities (Phils.), Inc.
168 Globalinks Securities & Stocks, Inc.
191 Go, Ma. Angelica V.
285 Golden Tower Sec. & Holdings, Inc.
170 Goldstar Securities, Inc.
289 Grand Asia Secuirites, Inc.
172 Guild Securities, Inc.
171 Guoco Securities (Phils.), Inc.
175 H.E. Bennett Securities, Inc.
174 Hdi Securities, Inc.
177 Highland Securities Phils., Inc.
178 Hk Securities, Inc.
268 Hsbc Securities(Philippines), Inc.
179 I. Ackerman & Company, Inc.
180 I. B. Gimenez Securities, Inc.
140 Igc Securities, Inc.
182 Imperial De Guzman, Abalos & Co., Inc.
183 Intra-Invest Securities, Inc.
181 Investors Securities, Inc.
188 J. M. Barcelon & Company, Inc.
185 J. P. Morgan Securities Philippines, Inc.
125 Jaka Securities Corporation
265 Jocrison Securities, Inc.
234 John Dy Hianto
169 Jsg Securities, Inc.
271 Kgi Securities (Phils.), Inc.
389 King`S Power Securities, Inc.
193 Larrgo Securities Company, Inc.
187 Lee Hiong T. Wee
195 Litonjua Securities, Inc.
197 Lopez, Locsin, Ledesma & Company, Inc.
198 Lucky Securities, Inc.
199 Luy`S Securities Company, Inc.
121 Macquarie Capital Securities (Philippines), Inc.
139 Magnum International Securities, Inc.
200 Mandarin Securities Corporation
201 Marian Securities, Inc.
202 Marino Olondriz Y Cia
208 Mdr Securities, Inc.
205 Mercantile Securities Corp.
206 Meridian Securities, Inc.
210 Mount Peak Securities, Inc.
211 New World Securities, Inc.
213 Nieves Sanchez, Inc.
214 Nomura Securities Phils., Inc.
228 Norman Vincent L. Wee
227 Ocbc Securities Phils., Inc.
215 Optimum Securities Corporation
245 Orion-Squire Capital, Inc.
218 Pan Asia Securities Corporation
219 Papa Securities Corporation
287 Paragon Strategic Holdings, Inc.
282 Pcci Securities Brokers Corp.
131 Pcib Securities, Inc.
250 Pearlbank Securities, Inc.
276 Phil-Progress Securities Corp.
138 Phileoallied Securities (Philippines), Inc.
338 Philippine Equity Partners, Inc.
132 Philippine Ta Securities, Inc.
222 Pierce Interlink Securities, Inc.
223 Platinum Securities, Inc.
224 Pnb Securities, Inc.
225 Premium Securities, Inc.
229 Public Securities Corporation
230 Quality Investment & Securities Corp.
231 R & L Investments, Inc.
233 R. Coyiuto Securities, Inc.
236 R. Nubla Securities, Inc.
238 R.S. Lim & Company, Inc.
152 Rashid Hussain Securities (Phils.), Inc.
176 Rbs Asia Securities Inc.
217 Rcbc Securities, Inc.
235 Regina Capital Development Corp.
239 Rtg & Company, Inc.
240 S.J. Roxas & Company, Inc.
241 Sapphire Securities, Inc.
113 Sarangani Securities, Inc.
115 Sb Equities, Inc.
368 Securities 2000, Inc.
148 Securities Plus, Inc.
242 Securities Specialists, Inc.
258 Sg Securities (Hk) Limited
129 Sincere Securities Corporation
286 Solar Securities, Inc.
247 Standard Securities Corporation
192 Strategic Equities Corporation
246 Summit Securities, Inc
248 Sun Hung Kai Securities (Phils.), Inc.
249 Supreme Stockbroker, Inc.
251 Tansengco & Company, Inc.
252 The First Resources Management & Securities Corporation
280 Topwin Securities, Inc.
253 Tower Securities, Inc.
254 Trans-Asia Securities, Inc.
256 Trendline Securities Corporation
257 Tri-State Securities, Inc.
136 Triton Securities Corporation
333 Ubs Securities Philippines Inc.
259 Ucpb Securities, Inc.
345 Unicapital Securities, Inc.
260 Uob-Kay Hian Securities (Philippines), Inc.
100 Upcc Securities Corporation
190 Value Quest Securities Corporation
158 Velasco, Geronimo Jr. F.
263 Venture Securities, Inc.
266 Vicsal Securities & Stock Brokerage, Inc.
135 Vsec.Com Inc.
269 Wealth Securities, Inc.
270 Westlink Global Equities, Inc.
146 Wise Securities Phils., Inc.
273 Wong Securities Corporation
274 Worldsec International Sec. (Phils.) Inc.
275 Yao & Zialcita, Inc.
277 Yaptinchay Securities Corporation
278 Yu & Company, Inc.

Legarda: Underachieving Her Way To Success

Now here's something new in our proud history as a country whose government's entertainment value exceeds that of the actual entertainment industry: Loren Legarda - notable political driftwood, major consumer of what appears to be transformative cosmetics, and bitter loser of the last election for vice president, has announced her intention to run as - wait for it - VICE PRESIDENT.

Again.

Without a co-runner for the presidential position.

I don't really find it strange to find her running again as vice president. We're all encouraged to keep on trying until we're dead (see Ping Lacson for more info) but I think this has to be the first time somebody has ever been deadset into running as Vice-President, a position usually reserved for only three types of politicians:

1. Presidentiables who figured they just can't win
2. People who got bribed into running for posterity purposes
3. Presidentiables who can't read and mistakenly checked Vice President instead during the filing of candidacy.

Usually, somebody runs for president and just asks anybody who has a pulse and good hair (the only basic requirements for successfully acting as a vice president in this country) as a running mate.

No. Loren Legarda's decided to go against that trend. In a sweet reverse of situation, she's decided to gun for second place, making her the political equivalent of the student who studies just to barely pass. AND she's looking for a presidential running mate. We may be seeing the birth of a new career: Professional Vice Presidentiable.

Call center agents, watch out.

This just might be the next big thing.

News Brief for this Week

The DepEd is now being indicted once more for purchasing expensive shampoo for the children. Shampoo? Really? Looks like somebody had the wrong idea when we told them to take care of the kids' heads.

International storm "Lupit" is headed our way. Something's wrong. "Lupit" should be the local name. "Kickass" should be the international name.

Gunmen stormed a timepiece store last Sunday in Greenbelt 5, taking about 6 million pesos worth of Rolex and Tudor watches. It should be worth noting that nobody touched the Fossil watches on display, proving once and for all that nobody gives a fuck about Fossil whether they're on your hand or they're up for stealing.

According to Dangerous Drugs Board chief-drug-user Sotto, 14 mayors are now under watch for involvement in drugs. The only reason they could only tag 14 is that the rest are too high up in the clouds to be investigated.

Two Koreans were arrested last Sunday after getting caught smoking pot outside a disco in Cebu city. A Korean representative visited the two afterward in an attempt to get the whole story of the incident. Yeah, sure. Good luck there, buddy.

Different Swimming Styles

Lately I've been going back to my regular Sunday swimming routine just to remind myself how out-of-shape I am. To celebrate the effort I spent to convince myself to leave the comfort of my room, and on a Sunday afternoon for that matter, I will now write about the different types of swimming strokes. On a lighter note, funny how they call swimming styles "strokes", since I can only think of two other uses for that word. One of them leads in masculine pleasure, and the other, in death. Anyway, on with the article!

Freestyle - When talking about freestyle swimming, I imagine the usual anything-goes dogpaddling that often leads to looking retarded/cramping/drowing, in that order for most cases. This is, of course, not correct, but it looks like what people know about freestyle isn't either. Hah. As a little trivia, the "freestyle" often described on TV is not actually freestyle but is a fast stroke called the "Front Crawl", presumably named by the Committee of Ironic Names.

The term freestyle actually refers to the general rule that you can swim any way you want in a freestyle race. It just so happens that the "crawl" style is the fastest. I know. Shut up already. Anyway, the front stroke is currently the fastest stroke in the world, at least until somebody discovers how to use releasing liquids from our various orifices as a turbo mechanism of sorts, shortly afterwhich the Olympic committee will probably decide to have competitors fight it out on seperate pools in the interest of hygiene.

Breast Stroke - The breast stroke is said to be the oldest stroke in the world, used even during the prehistoric times, but not probably by the dinosaurs, as most of them simply do not have the arm length to swim. The breast stroke is often referred to as the laziest of the swimming strokes next to drowning, which could actually be counted as the oldest stroke that _doesnt_ require the person to actually survive the activity. Anyway, breaststroke leaves the swimmers head above the water for a very long time, enabling the person to do small talk while swimming. Which is a good thing if you have a hot chick swimming beside you.

Contrary to the idea that lazy stroke means easy stroke, the breast stroke is actually one of the hardest strokes to perform, as it requires a special sense of timing and ridiculously strong legs for the frog kick motion. But of course, good luck explaining that to the people who don't see what the rest of your body is doing while swimming. They probably think you're just doing the dogpaddle.

Backstroke - The back stroke is one of many types of swimming on your back, and is probably one of the only few strokes that don't make you look like you are being raped by a water nypmh (see Makes you gay; reverse breast stroke) Although the form of backstroke is very similar to that used during front crawl, the inverted position makes the swimmer use a completely different set of muscles, making backstroke the ideal compliment for front crawl users who want a fullbody workout and have a particular deathwish. The backstroke is the third leading cause of water cramps - next only to horseplay and swimming while a sexy lifeguard is on duty.

Butterfly stroke - The butterfly stroke is yet another awkwardly named stroke, since any man who can perform the stroke is anything but gay. If it were up to me, I'd have named it "If I were to do this shit out of the water, you'd be dead by now" stroke. The butterfly stroke is the newest, hardest, and most aesthetic stroke around, and in short bursts, it also is the fastest stroke around. If swimming will ever become an extreme sport, this would be the main event. With or without sharks.

If the difficulty of the stroke is not evident, just think for a moment that on the recovery phase of the stroke, you are required to have your body from the waist up to be over water. That's borderline flying over water, halfway close to what Jesus was able to do. And you have to do that while catching your breath.

The butterfly stroke is a style also used mainly to swim in choppy waters like the open ocean. Presumably because breaststroke is too slow, while freestyle requires as minimal terbulence in the water as possible.

Either that or butterfly stroke users are just badass and would not swim anywhere but the open sea, with other dangerous things like Great Whites and the Cloverfield Monster.

A Man's Advice to the Heartbroken

Getting dumped sucks. Getting dumped in the midst of an f'ing storm sucks even more. But what can I say? Sh*t happens.

I won't give you bullsh*t nicey pansy sunshines-and-flowers-all over advice because frankly, nothing's going to help you feel really better in the long run. Beer, women, dating, friends, religion? They're drops of water amidst a raging inferno. Nice, but useless.

No. You're going to feel bad. After that, you're going to feel worse. Then you're going to want to have her back, swallowing pride, dignity, and testicles (case to case) in the process. And it's going to feel worse once you're trying that. You will want to vomit your heart out, but even after you've thrown up as much as you can, the heart will still be there. The hurt will remain. That's what breakups are like.

The only comfort you can take in is that you are not alone. Every other guy in this forum whose lovelife doesn't consist of masturbating to pictures of ABS-CBN notebooks and/or hentai has probably gotten hurt once or twice before. It's kinda like circumcision, for REAL men.

Ever got into a fight where you lost so bad, got punched in the face so hard so many times that you can almost hear St. Peter call for a stretcher to wait for the arrival of whatever's left of you in heaven?

Your face will swell and each throb afterwards will feel like a nut punch delivered straight to your face. That's a lot like getting dumped.

But you know, after a while, you just get used to the pain and forget its even there. You will not be able to recall the exact moment your body will go "f*ck this, I got better things to do than say ouch like a pansy" but it will happen. In due time.

And the same can be said of getting dumped.

You take a hit, you shout like a madman, then you realize it's not something that you can die from. You grumble. You forget. You move on.

Recap:
1. prepare for lots of hurt
2. stay long enough to realize it's gone
3. send me her revealing pictures/vids

p.s. (I'm not kidding, you haven't seen sh*t yet. It's going to HURT.)

p.p.s. (I'm not kidding about the pics either. GO)

Stock Talks NI SRO Notes (Part 2)

To those following Nihao Mineral Resources (NI), after I posted my last entry about the stock, the price of the stock came crashing down like a badly made house of cards down from 14.25 to a measly 11 pesos just before the EX date.

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SCARY.

Computing the paperlosses if you bailed out at the last minute, it would have been very bloody.



That's a whopping 20% cutloss.

I'd admit I cut losses as well at some point during the drop. The fear kinda just got to me. But that's just how trading goes. Anyway, the SRO came and went and yesterday, the intial price settled at, guess what, 3.25.

Break even for the guys who bought at 14.25.

But that's not really how it ends.

As of the end of today, the price of the stock has risen to 4.8 and it still looks poised to trend up further in the medium term.

What does that mean?

That means 4.8/3.25 = 50% paper gain on your investment, or following our example, 70,000 pesos for December on top of the initial 140,000 investment. Fuck time deposit. This is like Back-To-The-Future-Time Deposit.

Of course, paper gain is paper gain, and from what I've seen, prices on the release date come december will probably send prices dropping again, regardless of market status, but with the jockeys around, chances are they wont really let it end at 5 pesos per share.

Now the only factor we have left for this equation is, "What will happen to the market in 2 months time?"

Coco Jumbo - Mr. President

I think I first heard of this song back in 1997. I'll leave this video here and let you contemplate on the meaning of "coco jumbo" and its contribution to society.

Quotes for the Season

Good foreplay is like wading in flood. It should get you wet only where you want to be, and not so much it gives you an infection.

One positive thing about people panic buying: The following week, you're guaranteed fresh stock.

Saying braving 200km winds won't kill you because it's just wind is like saying hookers are safe because they're just women wearing funny outfits. (tip: it's what they're bringing that does)

I think the reason why they've started to use men names for storms is because more and more men are starting to act like women (from nikumanju <3)

People are wondering why DSWD kept on distributing supplies in Makati even to those that weren't too affected by Ondoy. It probably has something to do with their local government flooding them neck-up in bullshit about "ganito kami..."

While I'm all against the statement that the storms were caused by the nation's sinners. That's bull. If it's true, the first district to have flooded should've been the red light districts.

On a more serious note, there's nothing funny about what happened to our fellow countrymen. Keep the donations coming, and let's all stay vigilant against any further complications that we might come across.

Remember?

Four years is a long time.

She told me to my face that we never had a chance, but her avoiding eyes were never meant for lying. People outside the cafe moved about, like a flowing river that served as her only diversion from the ugly truth. I remember her lips slightly trembling, I remember every damning minute and detail of it all, as though her very actions spoke to me that day, that if she, if we, could've tried harder to just stop our busy lives and listen to what we both had kept so often to ourselves, that we would not be in that coffeeshop and not be talking about the end.


We were both civil about things. I, for the most part, felt that it was the last thing I could do for her as a boyfriend. I openly admitted that I had been too busy for work and that she had her needs that I willfully neglected in providing. All those raincheck dinners, canceled dates, missed calls. It was clear whose fault it was. I didn't even make excuses. The coming of another person in our relationship was more of a consequence than a cause, and the silence between me and her was a testament to that fact. I touched her cheek, she looked at me again. "If in the future," she told me in a fidgeting unsure tone, "we still don't find what we are looking for, please know that I'm willing to give this, us, a chance again."

I touch her arms once and shook my head once. Her face paled and she finally shed long abated tears, not because we broke something special, but because it was lost long before we could ever strain it hard enough to break, and that there was no turning things back as much as she wished she could, for broken things could be mended, but lost things were rarely ever found again.

For the rest of our stay there we just sat silently in front of each other, on opposite chairs, about as far as we were when we first went out, and perhaps as close as we would ever get again.

We kept our feelings jarred inside up to the last moment, too dignified, too proud, and too damned to show each other how weak we were. Ah, those times. It was such a tragedy, like a party ending without the fireworks.

For we both thought things would end with a bang, but horrified at the eventuality that died with a passing whimper.

Like most good things.