Different Swimming Styles

Lately I've been going back to my regular Sunday swimming routine just to remind myself how out-of-shape I am. To celebrate the effort I spent to convince myself to leave the comfort of my room, and on a Sunday afternoon for that matter, I will now write about the different types of swimming strokes. On a lighter note, funny how they call swimming styles "strokes", since I can only think of two other uses for that word. One of them leads in masculine pleasure, and the other, in death. Anyway, on with the article!

Freestyle - When talking about freestyle swimming, I imagine the usual anything-goes dogpaddling that often leads to looking retarded/cramping/drowing, in that order for most cases. This is, of course, not correct, but it looks like what people know about freestyle isn't either. Hah. As a little trivia, the "freestyle" often described on TV is not actually freestyle but is a fast stroke called the "Front Crawl", presumably named by the Committee of Ironic Names.

The term freestyle actually refers to the general rule that you can swim any way you want in a freestyle race. It just so happens that the "crawl" style is the fastest. I know. Shut up already. Anyway, the front stroke is currently the fastest stroke in the world, at least until somebody discovers how to use releasing liquids from our various orifices as a turbo mechanism of sorts, shortly afterwhich the Olympic committee will probably decide to have competitors fight it out on seperate pools in the interest of hygiene.

Breast Stroke - The breast stroke is said to be the oldest stroke in the world, used even during the prehistoric times, but not probably by the dinosaurs, as most of them simply do not have the arm length to swim. The breast stroke is often referred to as the laziest of the swimming strokes next to drowning, which could actually be counted as the oldest stroke that _doesnt_ require the person to actually survive the activity. Anyway, breaststroke leaves the swimmers head above the water for a very long time, enabling the person to do small talk while swimming. Which is a good thing if you have a hot chick swimming beside you.

Contrary to the idea that lazy stroke means easy stroke, the breast stroke is actually one of the hardest strokes to perform, as it requires a special sense of timing and ridiculously strong legs for the frog kick motion. But of course, good luck explaining that to the people who don't see what the rest of your body is doing while swimming. They probably think you're just doing the dogpaddle.

Backstroke - The back stroke is one of many types of swimming on your back, and is probably one of the only few strokes that don't make you look like you are being raped by a water nypmh (see Makes you gay; reverse breast stroke) Although the form of backstroke is very similar to that used during front crawl, the inverted position makes the swimmer use a completely different set of muscles, making backstroke the ideal compliment for front crawl users who want a fullbody workout and have a particular deathwish. The backstroke is the third leading cause of water cramps - next only to horseplay and swimming while a sexy lifeguard is on duty.

Butterfly stroke - The butterfly stroke is yet another awkwardly named stroke, since any man who can perform the stroke is anything but gay. If it were up to me, I'd have named it "If I were to do this shit out of the water, you'd be dead by now" stroke. The butterfly stroke is the newest, hardest, and most aesthetic stroke around, and in short bursts, it also is the fastest stroke around. If swimming will ever become an extreme sport, this would be the main event. With or without sharks.

If the difficulty of the stroke is not evident, just think for a moment that on the recovery phase of the stroke, you are required to have your body from the waist up to be over water. That's borderline flying over water, halfway close to what Jesus was able to do. And you have to do that while catching your breath.

The butterfly stroke is a style also used mainly to swim in choppy waters like the open ocean. Presumably because breaststroke is too slow, while freestyle requires as minimal terbulence in the water as possible.

Either that or butterfly stroke users are just badass and would not swim anywhere but the open sea, with other dangerous things like Great Whites and the Cloverfield Monster.