Java Programming Glossary

Monday, May 04, 2009

To those not in the know, Public Static is actually a couple of reserved words for a programming language known as Java.Every other week, there's at least one guy who stumbles upon my website looking for clues on Java and ends up reading crappy attempts at web humor. So as to not (totally) disappoint, here's a glossary of comparisons for the elements of the world of Java.

Java - an object oriented programming language named after coffee, because programming in Java will be dark and bitter no matter how much you try to sweeten the experience - and it will render you sleepless and jittery long after you're done. It is a masochist's programming language so when your date tells you he/she's a java programmer, feel free to bring out the whips and candles.

(more after the jump)

Object-Oriented Programming - The concept of creating virtual objects to simulate behavior of realworld objects like tax and hookers. Object Oriented Programming's hobbies are gloating and taking a shit on Procedural Programming's front lawn. The difference of the two are as follows: Faced with the problem of faeces lying on the pavement, a procedural programmer will create a procedure that goes "get pan, pick shit, throw shit, take away pan" whereas the object oriented programmer will design an automated pooper scooping mechanism with 20,000 moving parts, including a pooperscooper testing device, but will take 2 months to finish and will only be used once (since teh dog is probably dead already from being unfed)

Java 2 SDK - The main torture device of any Java Programmer. He never leaves home without it. The name of the java platform is about as unstable as the people who use it, changing over the years from JDK to Java 2 SDK (even though there's no Java 1) and then going back to JDK. Version numbers are equally as bitching, with each iteration having two equivalents, 1.5 = 5.0, which is kinda like Final Fantasy's numbering problem.

Java Virtual Machine (JVM) - The proud core of the Java infrastructure, the JVM ensures that your Program will act like a social outcast on ANY computer regardless of the operating system. JVM encapsulates your programs so it doesn't have to talk to the other interfaces of the computer - promoting security and isolationism unrivaled since the last North Korean regime. It's possible for java to extend outside the JVM, but like North Korea, it's almost always a risky procedure that can end in tears.

Spring - Some people like programming in XML. It seems people over the years have grown scared of having to compile anything, and developed Spring so they'll just have to slave away modifying "configurable" XML for hours so they can save a couple of minutes of time if they actually just recompiled.

Hibernate - Hibernate is an application that allows the developer to let go of traditional (therefore "uncool") methods of retrieving data using (pfft) SQL. Hibernate encapsulates this process for you - like a pair of plastic gloves you can use for dealing with dog poop. Of course, unlike plastic gloves, hibernate has a bad tendency of being unremovable, thereby forcing continual use for other purposes which may lead to very very undesirable situations. (dinner etc)

Java 2 Enterprise Java Beans (EJB) - A nightmare which happened earlier this decade that all Java programmers are slowly trying to forget every night by continually rubbing the tummy of their SPRING dolls, with tears in their eyes. EJB is the classic example of overengineering as a form of Freudan compensation.

Java Programmers - Java programmers are undoubtedly one of the best types of programmers out there, and are also often the most detached to reality (or maybe next to the LISP programmers, but I dunno). Java programmers always have contingency plans woven into their development plans, ranging from "leave interfaces in case the program expands in the future" to "make sure the program self replicates so in case our country gets wiped out by nuclear holocaust, we can still tell the time using our java clock program" Java programmers love challenges, and often make sub challenges halfway through finishing the original problem. With the massive amount of code frameworks that appear online every month, solving a single problem can be done using an infinite number of solutions.

If programming languages were videogames, Java would have the maximum playability lifespan.

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