Smart As Shit

Friday, November 28, 2008

I like reading books, but admittedly, I don't love doing that enough that I'd prioritize it over other things like, well, pretty much everything. I can't really find the time to read books, so I try to squeeze that nice activity in together with something else that requires sitting down - taking a shit.

(cont.)


The rate of how fast I can finish a book is directly related to my diet. More roughage equals more pages per day. I can't remember how many indian mangoes and turnips I had to eat to finish V.Hugo's Les Miserables in two weeks.

And I learn a lot from books too. Like just last night, while making shitpudding in the toilet, I learned about the State of Fear and how it's relevant to the hyperboles associated with Global Warming. Not bad. You lose some, you win some. By lose some, I mean corn-dotted chocologs, and by win some, I mean information that will not help me get laid, or become an accepted member or society.

So here's my little theory. The more I shit, the more intelligent I become. Like if I probably survive an ordeal with a bad case of LBM for an entire week, I'd easily surpass Dustin Hoffman in the movie RainMan. Fuck those vitamins, immodium all the way.

I think this is also related to why I tend to get picky when buying second hand books. See, the pages of the books that I read on the porcelain throne tend to turn yellowish brown. So everytime I see books that are a bit too yellowish brown, I think, somebody must've taken this book to the dukers, and its pages are coated with the sticky musk that comes from shit.

No way I'm buying/touching those.

Nobody in the family borrows any of my books for that same reason.

But that's probably why I'm easily the smartest offspring in the family.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'd like to put your opinion to the test. Think that the relationship between the increasing intellectual capacity and bowel movement is funny? Come out take a dump in our portable toilet while reading an oh so typical Bob Ong book! Call 518-523-1842.

Anonymous said...

OMG! You lent me your mythology book back then and I'm damn sure it was nearly a mulatto. Damn you and your shit!

 

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