Smart As Shit

Friday, November 28, 2008

I like reading books, but admittedly, I don't love doing that enough that I'd prioritize it over other things like, well, pretty much everything. I can't really find the time to read books, so I try to squeeze that nice activity in together with something else that requires sitting down - taking a shit.


The rate of how fast I can finish a book is directly related to my diet. More roughage equals more pages per day. I can't remember how many indian mangoes and turnips I had to eat to finish V.Hugo's Les Miserables in two weeks.

And I learn a lot from books too. Like just last night, while making shitpudding in the toilet, I learned about the State of Fear and how it's relevant to the hyperboles associated with Global Warming. Not bad. You lose some, you win some. By lose some, I mean corn-dotted chocologs, and by win some, I mean information that will not help me get laid, or become an accepted member or society.

So here's my little theory. The more I shit, the more intelligent I become. Like if I probably survive an ordeal with a bad case of LBM for an entire week, I'd easily surpass Dustin Hoffman in the movie RainMan. Fuck those vitamins, immodium all the way.

I think this is also related to why I tend to get picky when buying second hand books. See, the pages of the books that I read on the porcelain throne tend to turn yellowish brown. So everytime I see books that are a bit too yellowish brown, I think, somebody must've taken this book to the dukers, and its pages are coated with the sticky musk that comes from shit.

No way I'm buying/touching those.

Nobody in the family borrows any of my books for that same reason.

But that's probably why I'm easily the smartest offspring in the family.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to put your opinion to the test. Think that the relationship between the increasing intellectual capacity and bowel movement is funny? Come out take a dump in our portable toilet while reading an oh so typical Bob Ong book! Call 518-523-1842.

Anonymous said...

OMG! You lent me your mythology book back then and I'm damn sure it was nearly a mulatto. Damn you and your shit!


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