Top 5 Dick Moves You Can Do In An Anime Convention

Friday, October 17, 2008

Top 5 Dick Moves You Can Do In An Anime Convention

Dick Move (N.) - Any action which causes the doer to turn into a huge walking dick; To go against the social norm and cause unnecessary inconvenience to others; To perform a series of actions that ultimately lead the doer to become the object of hatred of those around him; Anything a natural dick would do.

That said, here are the 5 dick moves that can be seen in Anime Conventions.

#5 Misidentifying cosplayed characters, and sticking to it.

So you're an announcer for a con, and you're not really into the whole fad of going crazy over some weird looking cartoons from Japan called Ah-Neee-May. We understand that, but you're not standing on top of the stage just for kicks. If you were just a casual retard pulling people in for pictures, we can take it and let it slip. But you're getting paid to do what you're supposed to do. Because of this, it means you're a professional, and one good way to ensure that you're being professional and a dick at the same time is to not go over the list of the cosplay characters you're about to announce and just jumble shit up and mispronounce as many names as you can - because that's what absolute dicks would do.

If you manage to misplace characters at least twice in less than 10 names in a row, and read Naruto as Nahroooohtow, congratulations, you have successfully pulled a great dick move. I'm sure the people who labored hard for days on their cosplays to look like somebody, only to be called somebody completely unrelated will appreciate it - the same way they appreciate your corpse being dragged backstage.

#4 Walking to the anime dvd seller's booth and talking about piracy

You're looking at the amazing roster of titles in the DVD stand. You know these are pirated too, as with everybody who has a pulse and an internet connection. We're sure you're eager to tell everybody about how these are readily available in the internet for FREE. Nevermind that we already know that, and that we too may have the ability to do what you can do - push buttons and read english text. And I'm sure you're just as eager to explain the economics of never having to pay anything if you download or torrent instead, John Adams. We'd love to hear that too, except we're browsing at these titles specifically because we don't want to go through the hassle, and that your preaching will fall to deaf ears. I'm sure the merchants will appreciate it too if you talk about something else, but you don't. You'd love nothing more than to be the standard bearer of everything obvious and awkward. DICK MOVE.

#3 Copping a feel while having your picture taken with a girl

So here's the thing. You know as well as I do that there aren't many situations in this country that will allow you to, without paying for it, just walk up to a perfect stranger who happens to be scantily clad, ask your picture to be taken with her, and then walk away so you can furiously masturbate to the resulting image come night time. And as long as the masturbating part remains hidden from whoever that poor exploited person is, it's cool.

But of course, you're a purveyor of dick moves and wouldn't just let it rest as that. Moments before your picture is taken, your hands travel the distance, not just the normal distance - the Marco Polo distance, past the big desert called "social norm" and into her precious land of China, if you know what I mean.

Nevermind that she's a stranger, underaged, and waaaay out of your league. No, this is your opportunity and nobody will bar you from grabbing it with your bare hands. Way to go, Dick Move man. We'll try to visit you in jail after you get lucky and find a girl who knows an even better Dick Move - calling the cops and screaming rape.

#2 Standing in the middle of a busy thoroughfare.

You're a man of your own walk, and halls are made for walking around in. No problem right? Maybe. Maybe not. Convention halls aren't really normal halls. Like fresh air, there's very little moving space to go stand in, walk on, and shoot pictures in. Of course that doesn't apply to you, because the world is your walkway, and God bless everybody standing in your way. Or conversewise, those whose ways are going towards where you stand.

See, when walkways are barely two people wide, and you stand in the middle, you're the king of the fucking road. Dick Avenue, McAsshole Boulevard. People will love it when you become the center of attention, blockage, and directed murderous intent at the same time. I'm sure these people whose ways are being blocked by your enormous greatness will be glad you took some time off from their busy life, just to admire your greatness, and your great oversized backpack you don't even bother to remove from your back. That sexy backpack, you dick you.

#1 Attempting to hit on women who happen to be cosplaying

Being honest here, every man has his own fetish, and most of us probably have the term "young" and "dressed like strangely erotic drawings for the entertainment of kids". Okay, so maybe not many of us. Maybe very rarely, but not you, you sly you. All this dressing up and underaging has gotten you raging, and hormonally. Maybe they aren't, but fuck them, you know you are. You walk up to some random girl, try to feel them up with idle talk about how you're a fan of the same cartoon or how she looks so nice, maybe you'll even lie a bit and not admit you're telling her she looks nice, and even better in the nakedness of your imaginary sex scene. In your mind, if you deal your cards right, you're going to be doing take-home dinner tonight. Nevermind the thought that maybe these people don't exactly dress the way they do so they can get picked up the creepy nerds like you, that maybe they're just there for fun. In your mind, you're Hottie McHottie. Nevermind that maybe these girls even don't know the meaning of half of the words going through your head right now, because they don't teach that in gradeschool.

The moment comes, you spill the magic beans. The godmove of all dickmoves you can muster. Her eyes widen, yours too, along with that obscure bulge below your groin. And just when you think you've pulled it off, a big burly man comes running towards you with a big intimidating wooden stick filled with hurt - and you just know he's not holding it for cosplaying purposes. You start backing away, but it's too late. And on top of his catholic lungs he screams:

"What the hell are you doing to my son?!"

You've done it. The big kahuna of Dick Moves.

Congratulations man, you've just made it to the top 1 list of our Anime Convention Dick Moves.

1 comment:

Owen said...

Hehehe....nice writing


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