More Dangerous Food

(foreword: Don't ask why I keep on posting about food and the dangers that are associated with it. I'm not sure either.)

Genetically modified food products are supposedly dangerous, so they get regulated. Milk with melamine is supposed to be dangerous so it got regulated too. Remember White Rabbit with formalin? Regulated. We didn't even know we were being slowly preserved while we were still alive. But why is it that one of the most dangerous types of food on the planet are being freely exchanged by the developed countries?

What food you ask?

Dangerous food. Serious food that will fuck up your system so hard, and so often, people have developed a certain level of blind acceptance for it the same way they've accepted that Boy Abunda is qualified to endorse hair shampoo. You know what I'm talking about.

SPICY FOODS.

(continued)

So last night, I decided that I was getting a bit tired of the usual instant noodles that save me from starvation whenever I go home and realize there's no food waiting for me. (God bless you instant noodle inventor). So instead of buying the usual poor man's dinner, I bought the poor Korean man's dinner - Korean instant noodles (which is interestingly 3 times more expensive than the local version).

Koreans, like Mexicans, Thais, Indians and our very own native Bicolanos, apparently hate their rectums a lot too. They're like Italians who prefer their dishes bright red, except when the Italians do it, they use tomatoes. The Koreans prefer to paint their dishes red with weaponized chili. Have you seen their Kimchi? I actually thought the red bits were tomatoes when I ate kimchi for the first time. Three hours later, I was stuck in the CR, shitting the burning realization that it was not tomato they added, but Satan sauce. Seriously, those things burn their way into your system, and symmetrically burn their way out.

I've encountered it before, and my colon didn't like the experience, so I decided to try and avoid the same burning-while-passing-shit sensation by looking for something less spicy. I picked the "mild" flavor noodles. Admittedly, I'm not really that much into spicy foods, because I sweat a lot. I avoid ordering these in situations where sweating might be interpreted as something I'd rather not be accused of. This applies for dates, lunch job interviews, business deals, and prison.

So anyway this morning, I decided to try to noodles out. I put in a bit more water than usual to help dilute the flavor, on the ready assumption that the "mild" was actually moderately spicy.

That was how I gravely underestimated my enemy.

Apparently, "mild" in Korea is "nuclear fusion-grade fuel" in this country. I downed several glasses of water for the first few mouthfuls alone. Suddenly the spicy salsa I had eaten a week before tasted more bland than what I was eating. The noodle soup wasn't fucking around, and I was thinking the powder mix included in the package is actually residue from the center of the Sun.

Well, I survived. But of course that's just the first part - the entering part. Remember what I said earlier? Burn in, burn out? Yeah, that part's still pending.

But I'm not taking this sitting down. I'll be on a constipation run for the next few weeks. No way I'd let my anus take another beating so soon.

Maaaan, fuck spicy foods.