Milo Is NOT An Energy Drink

Ever since I was a kid, I've always wondered why Milo and Ovaltine were marketed as energy drinks. If I were to believe what the commercials say they're supposed to be, Milo and Ovaltine would be sold along the lines of Red Bull, Extra Joss, and Barako - just chocolatier, and for children. For Milo's case, they even upped the ante and called it the "Olympic" energy drink, as though drinking it would make you a chiseled Olympian athlete, one tryout short of winning gold. In the commercial, you'd see a kid go from "that kid who sits on the bench and will eventually die a virgin" to "that badass motherfucker who swims like a goddamn nuclear submarine on steroids".

Speaking of which, if ever this is the case, can we consider Milo as a performance enhancing substance that should be tested during competitions? I can almost imagine SWAT raiding the locker rooms of 12-yo taekwondo competitors and opening up everybody's bags in search for "powdery brown substances or liquids" and I can imagine the kids and the cops having the following converstation:

Cop: "Well well well, look what we have here?" *dangles waterbottle with brown contents*
Athlete: "It's just Magnolia Chocolait I swear."
Cop: "hen how come we found brown powder residue near your locker area?
Athlete: You can't pin that on me. It might be Nesquick or something.
Cop: Then you wouldn't mind us tearing up these Milo Olympic Action Trading Cards - free with every large pack of Milo, that we found in your locker right?
Athlete: Japoy! Noooooooo

Now that's just wrong. Here we are telling everybody that using steriods is bad while encouraging the very same ideas to our kids. This, given that Milo and Ovaltine ARE in fact energy drinks.

Well that's just bullshit. Milo is not an energy drink. It's chocolate water, and anybody who says it's something an athlete should be drinking is spouting complete BS. If Milo is as vital as it is, why is it that nobody in the Olympics can be seen chugging it just before their sport? You don't see Usain Bolt drinking Milo just before he breaks a couple of world records along with the sound barrier with his abnormally fast legs. That's just a fact.

It's amazing that we've come to accept that Milo = energy with years of inculcation and consistent commercial association of these products with sports like those Milo sports clinics that we have every summer, where nobody ever recommends drinking Milo during sessions.

You know what I want? I want Milo and Ovaltine to stop peddling their products for what they aren't and just come out with a more straightforward marketing. I have therefore created the following more "honest" slogans for the two products:

Milo: It don't do nothing to make you a better athlete, but it goes well with pretty much any breakfast.

Ovaltine: Maaaan, it's fucking ovaltine. Like Milo, but with an orange packaging. What more do you want?

Yeah, I'd like that better in my drink. Honest to goodness chocolate.