PitoPito Energy Drink / BARAKO Vodka

ulysses: ansama ng pakiramdam q
redkinoko: sipon, puso, o katawan?
ulysses: likod puso at lalamunan at ilong
redkinoko: kung lahat lahat yan isa lang sagot dyan.
redkinoko: PITO PITO ENERGY DRINK
ulysses: hahaha
redkinoko: ANG SIKRETO NI ANDRES BONIFACIO
redkinoko: INOMIN MO ITO AT MAGIGING KAGAYA NYA
redkinoko: (matagal nang patay)
ulysses: :))

ulysses: me nabalitaan aqng vodka salmon flavor
redkinoko: haha meron?
ulysses: waaaaaa
ulysses: uu
ulysses: meron
redkinoko: astig yun
ulysses: nilalagay sa food
redkinoko: i can market that
ulysses: hahaha
redkinoko: INUMAN NA PULUTAN PA. INUMAN. PULUTAN. INUTAN!
redkinoko: BARAKO SALMON-FLAVORED VODKA - TINAMAAN KA NA, SHET NATINIK KA PA
redkinoko: SAN KA PA?
ulysses: hahahaha
redkinoko: tequila mo me bulate? TANGINA MO. VODKA KO MAY BUHAY NA ISDA
redkinoko: see? i can totally sell that drink.
redkinoko: :)

Iunno

With heat the sun tickles the most supple of skin
and strong winds blow kisses of shiver within
Let deluge of rain wash away the unwanted
and innocence of snow leave hearts a'harkened

Any weather is good weather to the prepared.

The Episode Sixth Sense Copied

Hey, this just might even be more awesome, and in 24 minutes too.

Today's Good News

Many years from now, doubters will look back to this site and have their heads nodding. I'll gladly wait for you to say "You're right, Jet. Damn, you were right all along."

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

Seatbelts Are There For A Reason

(also, according to this kid, they make your sex organ shoot rainbows)


I really don't get why Filipinos act all smart whenever they are asked to put on their seatbelts. If they're seated upfront and and they're asked to put on a seatbelt, they'll say "Wala naman manghuhuli" (nobody will catch us), as though the main purpose of having an industry grade safety device around your waist and across your chest is to prevent cops from giving you a ticket and ruining your day. Morons. It's the other way around, actually. For when your brain is splattered across the dashboard, the cop who'll have to file a report and scrape off your misplaced greymatter will have his day ruined - unless of course there's not much to splatter in the first place.



And then there are them smartasses who sit in the back who even ask "Why do I have to?" as though their knowledge of physics has bested years of crash testing by people who spent years studying unfortunate fuckers who had to exit the vehicle via the windshield in the most violent ways possible. Listen: A car is a metric ton of metal and composite material that runs on a hundred horsepowers that can hurl it to ridiculous speeds - and occasionally, ridiculous collisions. A person seating at the back is no less likely to get thrown around (or out) than the guy sitting five inches in front of him. There is no fancy magical barrier between the driver seat and the back seats that tells the 4800lbs worth of force to spare the stupid fuckers at the back.

If the engineers thought we'd be prim and proper at the back even in the event of a crash, they would not have to bother putting belts at the back now, would they?

You know what? Maybe we should go back to the glorious 80s. Back then, seatbelts were still optional in cars, and it wasn't against the law to not wear one. The safety-conscious people can go buy seatbelts and wear them because they know they want to be walking out of an accident instead of being carted off in a black trash bag humpty-dumpty style. Meanwhile, the stupid people who think "it's all good" can go let the law of natural selection pick them off the roads.

And considering the ratio of smart and smartarded drivers we have here in the Philippines, that ought to solve our traffic congestion too.

MMDA, if you can read this, you can just send the consultancy cheque to my business address.

Things a Nintendo 3DS Can Do

During the recently concluded and unsurprisingly lackluster E3, Nintendo managed to salvage the lackluster show by unveiling the Playboy Mansion of portable consoles (i.e. it contains pretty much everything you've ever wanted) The Nintendo 3DS The following list include both confirmed and (partially) speculative features that the new Nintendo DS is capable of. This list is by no means exhaustive or comprehensive.

- Play 3D-enabled games
- Take 3D pictures
- Shoot 3D videos
- Play 3D movies
- Download games from the internet
- Chat with other DS users via WiFi or the Nintendo network
- Enable GPS-based gameplay (more after the cut)
- Behave like a wiimote with tilt, acceleration, and vibration detection
- Provide Dual multi-touch interface screens
- Surf the internet
- store data organizer details synchronizable with your computer
- balance taxes
- Pleasure your woman
- Make Crème brûlée better than your mother.
- do standup comedy
- run for office of the president
- run for office of the vice president sucessfully
- summon akmodan, lord of the nubian underworld
- accept quarters and dimes
- vend coffee
- mate with your girlfriend (accessories required)
- reproduce asexually

With these features in store, it's safe to say that the 3DS is going to be the SHIT.

In other news, Sony unveiled their Sony MOVE, which is the tech world's equivalent of a shoddily copied homework submitted four days late. What happened, Sony?

Noy you don't.

Yesterday, Inquirer ran an article about a displaced bum "political analyst" saying that Noynoy will come up with his own decisions on the cabinet members, and that's a good thing. I'm sure with GMA's "acting on her own" antics for 9 years, and the irrersible damages she's done, everybody else shares the same sentiment.

Two wrongs, however, don't make a right.


First, we should stop acting like first time parents every time Noynoy insists he will not listen to anybody and do his own thing. We aren't his parents so we shouldn't go "Awww, look at him, he's doing is own thing!" Noynoy may look like an overgrown retarded kid but let's not treat him like one because he's not a kid.

"Let him do what he wants" only applies if he knows what he's doing. Letting a kid do his "thing" so he can learn is different from letting a president do his "thing", because ramifications for both cases are as different as night and day. Our president is not a two year old kid and we cannot afford to make him learn by experience at our expense. Advices may sound bad, but they're better than just guessing shit.

Bare in mind that prior to 2010, this guy's greatest political achievement is to get elected three times in a row. That's basically like a student whose biggest bragging rights is being able to enroll himself, or even worse, convince others to enroll for him.

If he will keep on treating every advice coming his way as some sort of STD, we're bound to get screwed again, albeit this time it's less deliberate and more retarded.

We picked the guy, the least we can do is try to see the guy for what we voted him for - somebody who doesn't know the evils of politics - and at the same time somebody who doesn't know pretty much anything else, period.

Too long; Didn't Read (everything)

It's amazing how much an article's meaning can change when you read the title and then skip right over to the last paragraph.



The entire article can be read HERE.

Interview with the guy who invented the Essence of Chicken

In case you've been wondering what the ESSENCE OF CHICKEN is, it's a kind of a super health drink made of chicken and other herbs and spices designed to enhance your virility (the ability to satisfy a woman sexually) and strength (the ability to knock her unconscious in case you fail). With great power however comes great responsibility, as in the responsibility of having to gulp down one of the most vile substances on the planet. It's basically like acquiring one of the Infinity Gems of the Marvel Universe, but it's shaped like a dildo and you have to insert it all the way up your ass to get its full power.

Yes, I am aware I could have made better analogies. No pun intended.

Anyway, as a service to our readers, we invited for an interview the inventor of ESSENCE OF CHICKEN, who used to be some guy (and we shit you not) who wishes to be nameless for the duration of the interview probably to avoid being hounded by children whose lives were damaged irrevocably by its horrible taste.


So I understand you are British?

Yes. Are you trying to imply something about my nationality?

Nothing, nothing. I'm just surprised it's not made by the Chinese, who have dominated the realm of horrible-tasting product supplements for the last 2500 years.

Okay, one - essence of chicken does not taste as horrible as your saying and two, the stereotype of bad English food is just a lie.

Just like the Jewish Holocaust.

The Jewish Holocaust is true.

Right, and is continually being unacknowledged by denialists. Same thing.

...

Anyway, enough about that. Let's talk about your product. Essence of Chicken. Why is it called that?

Because it contains the essence of chicken.

And what exactly is the essence part of the chicken?

All of it.

All of it?

All of it. The whole thing. The whole chicken.

So you mean to tell me that inside each jar of that drink you are holding is a whole chicken.

Yes, after we're done preparing it of course.

Okay, what kind of preparation turns a chicken, birds beaks and all into a liquid substance as black as sin?

That's a secret. A state secret.

Is black magic involved? Because I swear I can't -

No. Not anymore for the last 500 years.

Wait did you just -

No. I am in fact a normal 50 year old man. You will continue with other questions now.

... Okay.

Well?

So is Essence of Chicken as healthy as people claim? Does it really make people stronger despite its ass-horrible aftertaste?

Haha. In Britain we have a saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

And how does essence of chicken do it?

Because it's made of whole chickens.

And?

So there! Very simple, aye?

No. I don't really get it. How does grinding chicken into liquid make it healthier?

The chickens are very healthy and fresh.

Well I don't see how that helps. I can't even believe anybody would want to drink this.

Do you eat eggs, Mr. Redkinoko?

I do.

Well an egg is a whole chicken. An unborn one, so it's fresh too. It's not very healhty too, but I don't see you complaining about that.

But it's an egg!

Well Essence of Chicken is also an egg, after it's hatched, grown a healthy life in the country side and magically turned into a liquid form using our patented secret technique.

Oh god. You make it sound so horrible.

Not really. When I die I want to be turned into liquid also, like how did it in Dune. Like how my friend and co-invented Bert was treated after he died. He's always wanted to give a lot more to the customers.

Wait are you saying that -

Let's leave it at that, the man wants to rest in peace.

Okay. Do you have plans on actually making your drink at least palatable? Make it taste like something that didn't come from the netherworld's sewage line?

I must admit the drink is not for everybody, so we're actually trying to roll out new variations to the brand everybody's loved for the last 1000 years.

...

...

...

Are you going to ask me what it is?

I'm afraid already to do so, but what the heck. Go shit yourself silly.

Strawberry, Lemon, and Banana flavoring. I'm sure you'll love it.

Probably, but only when I'm unconscious.

Did I mention Essence of Chicken also does wonders on your dreams?

...

Google Suggests

Google has finally accepted that Redkinoko is something people actually search for in the internet, legitimizing the pseudoname's existence on cyberspace. Now that a search engine has given its blessing, the next step would be to have UN accept it as a sovereign entity and give it the right to place embargoes on other countries.

To be fair, people search for a lot of ridiculous things on the internet - like April O Neil porn (which unfortunately leads many of those tortured souls accidentally into one of my posts about the same character - which does not have porn, in case you're already looking into it).

So I guess in terms of significance of the Google search suggestion, I'm more significant than, say, searching for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sidekick porn, and less significant than searching for Jesus online.

Somewhere in between is always nice.