Splash Island Review

Splash Island is a water park. Like other waterparks, it offers activities such as floating on a lazy river, riding water slides, swimming in a wave pool, and partaking in collective urination into barely chlorinated water.

The park first opened in 1997 and a lot of changes have been introduced since then. The water, for one, has been changed as many as three times already over the course of the park's history. The park's been around for more than 10 years, and in some slides, you can see aging setting in. There are parts of the slides where water constantly leaks, occasionally plugged by the unwary customer who "went over too far". But isn't that what we all need? A bit of rush from narrow brushes with highly embarrassing deaths, which will make us Pariah inside any bar in heaven.


The park is located alongside South Super Highway, through the Southwoods exit. If somebody insists along the way that it's the Biñan exit, put your foot down or risk having to turn around at additional tollway fee costs. Its strategic location ensures that you're getting wet by the attractions and being dried by the hot exhaust of passing vehicles at the same time.
Splash Island
Lockers are available near the shower area where you can deposit valuables that you don't want lost or wet, such as cellphones, wallets, and dignity. There are actually two shower areas, but the second shower area is nestled so close to the exit, people hardly go there. So come closing time, if you don't want rinsing off with some guy soaping his ass approximately 1.5 inches away from you, try to go to the second shower area instead.

The park opens at 8am, which is arguably the best time to enjoy the park, while the water is still generally colorless. Come afternoon, the water tends to become turbid and generally unsafe for accidental human consumption. The park closes at 5pm, but it is advised to leave a bit earlier to beat the swath of people lining up to shower.

In an interesting development, Splash Island has implemented a run schedule for the attractions during regular operating days, with the exception of public holidays where heavy volumes of park goers are expected. Slides, for example are scheduled to be only open after 12pm, right about the time you are already hungry. Expect lines to be long. If the lines were long before, expect it to be worse, as in by the time you've gotten to the front of the line, you'd be dry and you'd forget what you've lined up for already, or why you are wearing nothing but board shorts in the first place. There are times that you'll feel like you're in a refugee camp, lining up for everything that you need.

Here are some of the rides that you can partake in:

Rio Montanosa - The only slide where up to four people can ride a single raft. The best part of this ride is you don't have to haul the gigantic raft up the stairs as with other rides. The worst part is that you have to line up long enough to call whoever you're riding with "life partners". The queue is so long, it's not surprising to see Japanese occupation soldiers sliding down every now and then.

Balsa River - A long canal filled with water with a balsa to user ratio of 1:100. Chances are, you'd end up wading there, simulating commuting during storm season, with the only difference being a lower risk of incurring Leptospirosis. (note: lower not zero). It is highly recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors that you thoroughly rinse you're nether regions after using this attraction for prolonged periods of time. The lone dissenting doctor died of leptospirosis, just so you know. (Pro tip: the water amazingly changes in color throughout the day from immaculately transparent, to nestea brown. It's a wonder of nature)

Isla Pawikan - a playground partially filled with water and designed for younger children. There are fountains all over the area that respray the water coming from the small pools, ensuring that the kids are filled with joy, excitement, and unhealthy doses of second hand urine.

Agos Grande - The wave pool is likewise scheduled. Speaking of scheduled, it's also known as Tagos Grande. Because apparently, not all women are all about hygiene. I'm just saying. Anyhoo, when waves aren't present, the lifeguards bring out a large inflatable glacier for wallclimbing that rises up 18 ft in the air. You climb it with zero harness, and if you fall, you fall on either other swimmers or about 2 ft of water - just enough to dilute blood coming out of the crack in your skull. Lovely.

Magellan's Drop - A high-speed slide where you go down a straight path with only a slice of flimsy foam seperating your ass from a very uncomfortable visit to the proctologist. Why they called this attraction Magellan's Drop is beyond me. But if in any case this was the way Magellan tried to conquer Mactan, Lapulapu's win would've been cakewalk.

Speaking of which.

Dos Supremos - This is not really about the ride. It's more of why in the world would Splash Island have to name its attractions after the national heroes. I don't really know a lot about respect, but it's one thing to erect a monument for a fallen here, it's another to name a water fun slide after the leader of the Katipunan. Here's the description from the site:

The Katipuneros who shed blood for our freedom from Spain, looked to one Supremo or supreme leader. At Splash Island, we have two! The Dos Supremos are giant twisters that revolutionize the definition of blood-pumping.

What better way to celebrate martyrs than by sliding down half naked in what is essentially giant plumbing. Hurrah for nationalism

Other slides such as the King Pilipit have been permanently closed down to the general public but remain open to thrillseekers who laugh at the face of danger. These waterless slides require users to bring up their own bucket of water, which will be used to lubricate the descent into the plastic tubing. Inherent danger mostly centers on having your skin roasted when gravity persuades water to go on ahead and leave your ass at the mercy of momentum and friction.

Splash Island is a place where I left a lot of childhood memories in, among other things. For all its flaws, and I did not stress the other part enough, it's still actually fun to go to, specially with friends. Specially with friends who have no allergies to putrid water. One of these days when you drop by, leave me a message.

Chances are, I'd probably be still in line on one of the rides with some Japanese occupation soldiers.