Why I Don't Own An iDevice (iPhone, iTouch, iPad, iDontCare)

A lot of people keep on asking me why I'm still not interested in buying an iDevice despite the facts that:

1. iDevices are the new hot gaming platforms
2. The multitouch controls are the shit
3. More people use it than common sense
4. Non-users are not part of the coven and shall be purged in the Great Reckoning

My reasons are simple. iDevices are cool because they combine a lot of things we want in one convenient gadget, and because it's trendier with the young crowd than venereal disease is with clubgoers in Malate. I need neither. I like my gadgets separate, and I don't like things because they're trendy. But because this is suppose to be a full-length article and there's nothing to be gained in settling an argument in a couple of sentences, here are my point-by-point rebuttals to the usual reasons:

1. The iPhone sucks as a phone. Ergonomically speaking, a wide screen is good for touch control, but it's shit when you have to hold it for more than 5 minutes near your ear when you have to use it for what it really is, like, you know, make phone calls. 10 years ago Nokia figured out that making phones that have curves and aren't as wide as a soapdish are easier to hold. Why do we have to uninvent this? That'd be like having some guy change the shape of the wheel back to square 100 years after everybody agreed circle is best, for the reason that a square wheel can also be used as a window frame. You can argue that a bluetooth phonepiece will solve this issue, but I can argue that bluetooth phonepieces make you look like an retarded jackass who likes talking to inanimate objects when people see you making phonecalls.

2. The iPhone/iTouch sucks as an MP3 player. Now don't get me wrong on this. In this day and age, almost all Mp3 players are practically the same, having the same features, playing the same low-bitrate bullshit being sold online. When I say it sucks, I mean it in a "I used to have an Mp3 player the size of a wrist watch back in 2001 why is this shit still as large as a brick ten years later" kind of way. I like my music player small because it makes it more convenient to carry around. As far as convenience goes, a device a few inches larger than my palm just to play music might as well be a 70s era jukebox.

3. The iPhone's multitouch controls aren't as awesome as you'd think.
The idea of a screen capable of multitouch is nothing short of astounding. Even now, I still find it amazing that they were able to pull it off. However, if you try and think of how you control of your phone, most of the time you're not really using the "multitouch" function. You have a finger, and you're using it to manipulate the interface. Like a stylus. Except unlike the stylus, the finger on a capacitive screen isn't the most accurate thing in the world. We grow up working with pens and sharp pencils because we know those big fat crayons aren't of much use when you run out of big coloring books to work on. This is just like that, specially in gaming. The controls are almost often either inaccurate or shakey. "But Jet, you just get used to it LOL." No. There are better alternatives out there, why put up with something less?

To make matters worse, the controls are always on the screen, making games that require more complex button press sequences visually awkward, with your fingers blocking out portions of the screen. The only iPhone games that I really enjoy are those that rely on the six-axis sensors, but even then, it's too gimmicky for my taste, and my hands are too shaky.

4. The games.
The games are casual. And I admit a lot of them are entertaining, but most of these games are just rehashes of what I've been playing for years elsewhere online. Angry Birds, for example, is nothing but a rehash of Crush the Castle - a game that's been free online since 2007. There aren't many games out there that haven't been done and outdone before somewhere in the annals of Flash-dom. The only difference is that this time the platform is portable, which brings me to my next half point.

I love gaming, and the idea of being able to bring games wherever I go is awesome, specially when I know I'm going to be alone somewhere without anything to do or anybody to talk to for a very long time. Masturbation is an alternative, but good luck getting away with it in a public commuter train. But then again, that sort of instance just doesn't happen often enough for me to think of having something to play on all the time. Whipping your game console out when you are with other people is just likewise so antisocial, unless they also have the same gadget and you'll be playing co-op. DS and PSP had this feature and exploited it well. On the other hand, most iPhone games are just single player. That means when somebody's playing, there's always one less person interacting with the group. It kills the group dynamic, so unless that's your intention in the first place, portable gaming isn't the way to go. We can say that it's also possible that everybody can get their own iGadgets and go play a game of who gets the highest score... but that's just tantamount to playing Patintero with five people belonging to the same team. :|

Next.