How To Stop The Drug Mule Problem

Honestly, I still don't see how somebody could take a package from somebody for delivery in exchange for money without knowing its contents. The only time I see this happening without ending in grim tragedy is when the KFC delivery guy doesn't check if my ordered food contains gravy. But yeah, we can field about more reasons on why this keeps on happening, but at the end of the day, there's a good chance those people who got caught in the act of ferrying contraband across borders knew the risks they were facing. Anybody who's tried smuggling food into the library back in school knows this.

But now we have the government stepping in, attempting to solve the problem by going after the "syndicates", which they can't even name on public TV. They might as well have called the perpetrators "nazi aliens" and they'd still be as damn intangible. Bottom line is, our country sucks. You can probably smuggle a whole container ship made of glistening shabu here if you have enough money to drown customs officials in confiscated liquour. Trying to catch anybody making drugs in the country is like trying to catch every drug addict in congress. It's a futile attempt, and half-hearted at best.

So where do we stand? Surely we can't afford to have more people killed off by foreign governments. For every person who ends up in the hanger for walking dope, a hundred of us will be in more suspicion every time we try to bring along tawas with us for our trips. (Note: Some countries like China do not sell deodorant. This is a likelier scenario than you'd imagine) So here's some things I think would help solve the issue.

1. I remember before, in some highways, they left cars that got into accidents along the road and just put a sign there saying "THIS COULD BE YOU." That's as effective as whipping the insolent kid in front of the class as an example to be feared by all. It's tasteless but it actually works. That's what we need to do. Take the pictures and clippings of previous cases, put them on airports and then put up a HUGE PINK MMDA-LIKE SIGN that says "TANGINA, SIGE LANG, BAUNIN MO YAN."

2. Stop wasting the additional 250 (security terminal fee) that we're paying to print out the face of Noynoy on every immigration card. Having to print his shiny reflective forehead consumes a lot of ink, and is probably detrimental to our image of a people with no hair problems. We can use that money to actually train the guards to know drugs WHEN FIVE FUCKING POUNDS OF IT IS STRAPPED TO THE WAIST OF ONE OF THE PASSENGERS. How the hell do you feel that in a hand search and think it's perfectly normal to have a balikbayan beltbag masking taped to waists?

3. Plan agents in the airport who will play as dummy drug mule recruiter. If anybody accepts the offer, the agent should have full authority to backhand slap the passenger. There is only one right answer - NO. Any other answer will set you an appointment with the business end of the agent's hand. Ain't nothing more corrective than a correctly placed smacking to the face.

4. Stop sending political envoys to countries that are planning to kill drug mules. I understand that sending our country mascot/vice president can be entertaining at times because it's like E.T. all over again, but that's just sending the wrong signal, pun not intended. Send Willie Revillame instead. This won't help, but since we're pouring money into a tax blackhole anyway, we might as well make it festive and occasionally scandalous.

5. Put Pepe Smith as customs head. He'll sniff the shit out of your baggage and take care of any confiscated material on the spot. Since there's more than one airport and Old Pepe can only take in so much, have somebody from those Kapuso/Kapamilya noontime shows to sub him out. Given the nature of drug use in showbusiness, we won't be running out of manpower anytime soon.

6. If somebody does get caught locally, send them anyway and make sure they get caught on the other side by phoning them in advance. Since our country is too softhearted on these things, let other countries with the balls to take them out deal with the problem.

Problem solved.