Cosplay Convention Commandments

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Still on the topic of cosplays, I've laid out 10 basic rules that you may want to consider when attending these conventions we're having one too many of nowadays. Theyre called Anime conventions and are basically extended Halloween events done year-round and with a mostly adult population. If people were able to follow all these commandments, we'd have better experiences when watching and participating in the cosplay activities relating to anime conventions (also it means I have lots of readers who are gullible toads obedient and sensible).

1. Thou shalt shower before entering a convention.
Most basic of basics. You're entering a hall designed for 1000 people, packed with 2000 people. There is no reason why you should skip washing yourself and applying the proper "jutsu" to protect yourself from evil "chakra". By "jutsu" I mean deodorant and by "chakra" I mean putok/body odor. See, there's a difference between anime and real people. When real people start sweating, they don't look cool and become powerful like their anime counterparts, they just start smelling funky.

2. Thou shalt not endorse real-life yaoi.
Okay ladies (and the ladies-at-heart), this commandment's for you. I know you love man-to-man action while watching your favorite anime or reading your favorite manga. That's cool with me too, as long as you don't force me to read/watch those things too. But like a ninja wearing bright orange to sneak into places, or trying to do the sand coffin on yourself and walking away alive, there are some things that don't translate well in real life. Can you imagine walking in your house one day to find your brother being frenched by your own father? Yeah, horrible visuals right? So quit it.

3. Thou shalt not peddle magic tricks.
This commandment maybe tad bit specific, but I figured I might as well include it. To be honest, cons are those few events that make it real easy to socialize with people. The fact that you're inside a convention already means you're an anime fan, with anime fans. Use that fact, act like the normal, social animal nature has intended you to be. In other words, stop shoving magical ring tricks down other people's throats just to catch attention. Ring tricks are easy and nobody gives a shit anyway. Use your tongue. In an oral kind of way. In an oral-verbal kind of way.

4. Thou shalt not use Costumes as licenses to turn into assholes.
I remember my friend, Kris telling me before. Cosplaying lets you be famous for one day by borrowing the fame from a fictional character. She's right, but that doesn't really mean you can do what most famous people do with their fame - as a license to act like complete asstards. You don't run around the convention hall (or worse, outside) behaving like a complete circlejerk. Keep your one-line shouts to yourself. If somebody looks like they don't want your company, back off. Unlike the anime character you're portraying, we can't press stop or switch channels or just plain get rid of you without getting charged with manslaughter.

5. Thou shalt not wear Naruto forehead protectors
This is more for you than the people around you. If you're not going to cosplay, don't even bother wearing those things. Dubbed as "pussy deflectors", those things have the amazing power of warding off all potential interests people "might" have in whatever's interesting about you. Same goes for shitty anime-related accessories that are a dime a dozen sold even in flea markets in the provinces. If ever those things have any benefit for me, it'd that I'd know who not to associate with, and whose kids I should never let my future kids play with.

6. Thou shalt not try to engage underaged women into adult conversations (et al)
Cosplay has this way of bringing out all sorts of pedophiles (people who dream of having sex with underaged girls) and lolicons (pedophiles who don't want to be called pedophiles) out of the woodwork, because underaged girls are able to dress in clothing they're not supposed to dress in until they're much older, or are much more in need of money, whichever comes first. These girls just love the anime theyre imitating in an honest kind of way so we just can't say they shouldn't. So now we turn to the audience. To you. You should not patronize that sexy aspect. Not now. Not ever (or at least until they turn 18) Here's a thought. "Just because they dress up like skanky sluts doesn't mean they really are." They may look like it, talk like it, and act like it, but when shit hits the fan - they're still underaged and you're still going to jail for statutory rape.

7. Thou shalt thank people for pictures taken, for being either subject or photographer.
As with anything that entails costumes and/or controversies, photo ops are to be expected. If you think about it, there are not many instances outside anime conventions that you'd take a picture of a complete stranger without being called a freaky stalker. There aren't many instances outside cons either that you'd let a complete stranger take a picture of you in revealing clothing and be happy about it. So given that cosplay photo-ops are special situations, you best be polite about it. Before shooting pics, ask for permission. If you have a suggestion for a pose or another friend who wants to pose with the underboobs girl, ask politely, as in, "May my particularly horny friend pose beside you whislt holding your revealed C-cups? Pretty please?" Don't forget to thank her afterwards, or if in case she gets pissed off instead, have an escape plan.

8. Know what's being cosplayed before acting like you do, or if you don't, ask.
Cosplayers have this weird thing for being misidentified. Call a guy in an obscure anime cosplay any name from Naruto (repeatedly) and he'll go ballistic. To prevent awkward situations where he tries to jutsu you (i.e. kill) with fancy hand gestures that look like air masturbation (i.e. air guitar, except he's pretending to play with his penis instead), make sure you're correct in identifying the character, or if you're wrong, politely accept the fact that you're not yet truly deep into the anime-crazy coven and ask the cosplayer about the character he/she's cosplaying. I'm sure he/she'll get an erection/wetness just telling you about it. Remember, knowing is half the battle. The other half is uhh, not overdoing it and turning into an animetard (google the net for symptoms)

9. Thou shalt be courteous towards cosplayers
Don't play with their props only to break them. Don't kiss cosplayers without permission (especially if youre ugly). You can kiss but only if the cosplayer is me and you're really hot (with witnesses to prove your hotness) Don't touch boobs. Don't pinch asses. Don't grab manpackages. Think of cosplayers as regular people you come across the mall. Weird, eccentric, sweaty, regular people who love anime a bit too much. They may not look like it but they're still people that should be respected, people who can get you beaten up or jailed or both.

10. Thou shalt not steal
Cosplay events give us that chance to know what it's like to live in a real anime world, even if just for a few moments. But that feeling is just for imagining. If in case you get the urge to break the law the same way anime characters do and think you can get away with it, think again.

Remember kids, when you steal shit in real life, it's no longer just a plot point in the story - it's a friggin criminal offense!

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