Worst Named Production Cars Ever Sold In The Philippines

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Car design is admittedly no easy task, specially if you're just a programmer who happens to enjoy wasting time writing silly articles on the internet. Just one model takes many years of labor, conceptualizing, and engineering. What I don't get is how you can get a team of professionals to get so many things right in car production, from the design of the pistons down to the drag coefficient of the paint - and still screw up the market label of your car. Here are the five worst named cars ever sold in the Philippines.

Suzuki Jimny - We start off our list with the Suzuki Jimny, probably the only car in this world named after a Disney character. I'm not really sure what our guys at Suzuki was thinking when they named a distinctly masculine car after a cricket from Pinocchio, but I am sure the result sucked ass. To make things worse, Jimny isn't even the original name for the Jimny automotive lineage. A few years before Jimny appeared on the market, everybody called Suzuki's 4x4s the Samurai. 10 out of 10 people I never asked nonetheless agreed, Samurai is pretty badass for a name, if you can overlook the fact that real samurais have a bad habit of killing themselves when they can't do what they're told to do. Still, between Samurai and Jimny, fuck Jimny.

Isuzu Crosswind - Our next car is an AUV from Isuzu. The Crosswind. The name itself sounds pretty awesome at first hearing, until you realize that you have a vehicle named after wind that makes airplanes very dangerous things to be on during landing sequences. That's right. Our guys at Isuzu thought it was cool to name your vehicle after crosswind, a dangerous impediment to airborne travel. If that's not a case of being tasteless, I don't know what is. Next thing you know we'll be having a new line of disposable cars. The Isuzu Terrorist: "We'll blow you out of the road!"

Daewoo Racer/Kia Pride - We have a tie here in second place: two cars that I largely suspect were named such for the value of irony the names will have on the cars. The Daewoo Racer is a sub-compact that has 97 horsepower. I'm not a man who's got passion in racing but 97 horsepower is too high for kart racing and too low for decent car racing. Daewoo has a lot of cars with higher HP ratings but they just had to stick the label of "Racer" to their slowest car. You gotta love their audacity in being able to do that. The Kia Pride is in just the same position for.. well.. just think about it. When was the last time you rode a Kia Pride and was especially proud about it?

Everest - Our last car is rather common. If you take a look at Ford's naming convention, they have this thing for names starting with E, not all cars, just most of them. And like the amazing retarded kid that they are, they named their SUV after Mount Everest, defying every possible explanation one could possible come up with. To my knowledge a good vehicle is mobile, fast, safe, and comfortable. The Mount Everest is immobile. A few million years ago it tried to cross Tibetan borders to get a cup of coffee from Nepal. It's still crossing that border. This is because Mt. Everest is slow, moving at about a few inches a year. Yeah, sure, name a car after that. As for safety, Mt. Everest is not exactly the epitome of safety. It likes to kill people who think their penises will be big if they climb it. Nobody fucks with Everest. Need I go on? Yeah, I thought so too. Fuck Ford Everest.

1 comment:

1948-1949 Buick Shop Manuals said...

OMG Isuzu Crosswind, that one of my favorites car....having it read it is like riding on a accidental car, nice review about the cars...

1948-1949 Buick Shop Manuals


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