An Open Letter To SOPAS

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Dear Secret Organization of Pickpockets And Snatchers (SOPAS),

Tonight was the fifth time your members have tried to get my cellphone while riding a jeepney, and unsuccessfully. This has happened to me so many times, shit is getting cold. It's not even funny anymore. If you ride a jeep, find pickpockets onboard, get off the jeep, find another jeep and still find the same sort of assholes in your ride, you know people are having a hard time finding better things to do. Bottomline is every time I change rides because your members are trying to do something criminal retarded, I feel like I'm paying extra for other people's stupidity.

As a proud citizen of this country abhorring such ill-conceived practices, I have some suggestions that you may find useful in improving your services.

1. The Cargo Has To Go. - Did you by some chance institute a uniform for cellphone jackers? The cargo shorts may be useful, but look at the year people. It's almost 2008. The only people who are still wearing the shit you wear while doing your deeds are time travelers from the 90s who happen to suck at picking a good time, and you guys. Since time travelers are usually smart people and do not choose this century as a destination, that short pants with oversized pockets is as dead a giveaway to crime as a handgun in broad daylight. Wear jogging pants, they're not as useful, but hey, at least we know you like to workout (your way from prison).

2. Stop Making People Pick Things Up - Really. Coins. Cellphones. Keys. Bullshit. Nobody falls for it anymore, and it is anatomically possible for people to get the coin without bending completely over. Tip: what you see in Looney Tunes does not translate to a good modus operandi in real life - specially since we don't have ACME products.

3. Get A Decent Haircut. - I'm no expert in covert operations but I think looking half decent will remove at least 80% of the suspicion thrown at you. Like, you know, stop looking like a washed-out drug addict that screams "I like robbing people to get my fix."

4. Don't Scout Targets Like You're Shopping AT Target. - Last time I remembered, you're supposed to steal glances, not sensually rape fellow passengers by staring at the target from head to toe. You're not checking chicks out. You know what you're after. Focus on it and stop ogling.

5. Don't Overpopulate Jeepney Routes - You know, if you keep on adding people to the same jeepney route there will come a time when the guys from SOPAS will be pickpocketing each other because they outnumber the actual passengers who take that route. Diversify. Airplanes are pretty hot nowadays.

I have more suggestions but I'm too lazy to type. You guys tire me out. As a last suggestion, implement a frequent customer program, where previous victims can avail of the "no phone, already stolen" club perks. It may not make things easier for you, but it sure will improve your image as a group.

More power, and have a nice eternity in hell.

Public Static


Aeneid said...

Well said.


gracey said...

haha i can relate! those idiots do not know how to target point which is which among the first timers and "no phone, already stolen" club members pack. darn retards.

happy (SOPAS-free) holidays!



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