Twitter One-liner Roundup (Sept 2012 - July 2013) @redkinoko

Friday, July 12, 2013

There's something special about assknobs who've never worked a day in their lives rant about squatters being lazy and self-entitled.

1. Legalize porn 2. Set unrealistic expectations for an entire generation of boys 3. Population ↓ 4. Tissue and lotion industry ↑

My concept of a low cost 3D printer involves a wad of clay, a schematic printout, and copious amounts of whiskey.

Casper was a 2-hour long movie about what it feels like to be dead and still friendzoned.

Something's wrong with our generation if we have to go online before we can learn if somebody is a person of prayer.

Word of the day: Gallivanting. In Tagalog, "nangangahoy".

Drunk playing billiards sans a shirt at 9 in the morning. It's amazing how my ideas of being successful and being a failure are the same.

Why does Team Bon Chon Of The Game sound more of an affront than a corporate award?

New term of the day: #kiligtae as in "sa sobrang kilig... " Usage: "Dumaan si Dong kanina, walang Tshirt. Ayun, kiligtae naman si Maria."

Remember before the 2008 financial crisis, the biggest problem that we had deal with as a country was Hale's music? #wehaditgood

I wish I could rename my city Mon. Then I can skip the first day of the week on the grounds that it's Mon Day. #okaythatmadesenseinmydream

Release a bunch of plastic toys and nobody cares. Tell them it's collectible and everybody starts losing their minds.

People complaining about pictures of two hot chicks kissing in support of basic rights proves people will complain about just about anything

In other news, hell no longer requires a VISA to visit and will be issuing multiple entry passes for EDSA commuters on Friday evenings.

We're looking at the first generation of parents to raise their kids as online spectacles. We're looking at the birth of Generation #Like.

Actual happiness is what happens when we're too busy trying to capture the moment on instagram.

#insultoftheday His meter's still running but the engine's died long ago.

If the stock market were the police the biggest offense in the book would be counterflowing. That said, have a nice trading day!

The market is like the hulk and you're like Bruce Banner. The market does what the market wants and at the end of all that, you're shirtless

Sabi nila di na iniisip ng tao si Rizal. Di siguro nagcocommute at gumagamit ng barya yung nagsabi nun.

When the waters rise and the streets bog down into a quagmire of metal, mettle, and mud - the street vendors shall inherit the earth.

Why does "taba ng utak" sound more like an insult than genuine praise? haha

Sana parang siopao na lang ang mga tao. Depende sa kulay ng tuldok kung ano ung tunay na dinadala nila sa loob. #creepysaunaramifications

You'll know if a person is from the future by the current problems he is able to laugh at and the joyous, fleeting moments he cries to.

It would be so awesome if in #GoT the true king of the north would turn out to be Santa Claus. House Claus: You Better Watch Out.

Independence 'nday . She's taking a day off. From Tyranny. #pinoymovieideas

Remember. Starve your senses, feed your imagination.

And I have a good hunch that they ask you to use streetsmarts when trading so that you're practiced for when you're sleeping in the streets.

No swimming stroke in the world can save you from a raging waterfall better than avoiding being in the water in the first place. #stocktrading

Remember, you won't run out of problems but you can choose which ones to fuss over. It'd be a waste to get wrinkles over something trivial.

Zoren/Carmina may have upped the bar as far as weddings go but thanks to the Freys, you can always say "Well at least it wasn't THAT bad."

The morality of this generation can be summed in a sentence: "Help my friend by clicking like!"

Sometimes I think George RR Martin has a trim() function given how quickly he removes all those extra characters.

DUDURUGIN KITA AT WAWALISIN #randompinoyactionmovietitles

SABONG NG DUGO #randompinoyactionmovietitles

#throwbackthursday Alternatives: #trombonethursdays #trogothursdays #trololololothursdays #throwbackchato

You gotta hand it to Jimmy Santos then. Nobody's laughed at him in decades but nobody's gotten pissed for just as long.

Nothing beats the empowerment stock investment gives you by allowing you to mismanage your funds firsthand.

Now if Daniel Padilla came out as a lesbian, THAT would be surprising. It will explain a couple of things but still...

If you want a garland around your head, you gotta learn to stick your neck out some.

A good team strategy is like a shitty boy band. #1D

The thing about Candy Crush is it allows you to give life while depriving you of yours.

Heard SM Aura, thought it was a shortened nick for Sodom and Gomorrah.

Why is it that the same guys who hate Yes/Love radio tend to be the same people who keep on using "pag may time"? San kaya galing yun, aber?

#VinDieselSpotting sounds wrong. I didn't even know he had periods.

Eksena sa gas station: Gasboy: "Boss anong ikakarga natin ?" Drayber: "Diesel." #VinDieselSpotting

I don't see how it's treasure when we call it seafood. Gold is treasure too but you don't see me eating that for pulutan.

Overheard at the elevator this morning : "Isa lang sa binoto ko di pumasok. Sayang si Jack Enrile." That's democracy at work for you.

I'm just saying if these casinos really want Filipino customers, they'd have Jueteng, bidyo karera, and sabong ng gagamba at the tables.

A waffle is just a pancake that goes to the gym.

Jetlag is the fine you pay for violating nature's law against travelling faster than the Earth's revolution.

What can you say of a society that blesses using Instagram and prays using Facebook?

Kaya mahirap business dito eh. Once a month,nasa BIR ka na,pagdating ng tax season, babalik ka pa ulit. Daig pa ang babae sa dami ng dalaw.

Other franchises Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should be inserted in: Enteng Kabisote, Shake Rattle & Roll, all John Lloyd-tries-to-cry movies.

Google should call a localized version of Google Streetview as Google 'Skinita.

With the kind of justice that gets handed out for highprofile cases in our country, it's still amazing we're not resorting to vigilantism

A normal human being has to do the Number 2 at least once a day. Why in the world we have to hide it is beyond me. Shouldn't we be proud?

A stupid idea does not go as far as a stupid idea and cooperative friends.

Sa mga nagiisip magmadre, "Dont start nun wont be nun."

London now has automated urinals that come out at night for drunk people. Cool, but when I'm drunk, everything's automatically a urinal.

"May distinction ba kung pang patay pang wedding or pang office yung barong?" "Wedding -pag nakatayo ka.Funeral pag nakahiga ka" @patpating

That footnote in the map will never be worth the split blood it will be written with.

Machete. The original fertility statue.

If they do build that Titanic II ship, they better make sure all the cars in the cargo hold are double locked.

Nagpatugtog ng "It's Raining Men" sa loob ng car pag all-boys gimik. #FriendshipOver

Nagbukas ng Humpy Dumpy (yung violet) habang katabi ka sa loob ng Field Trip bus. #FriendshipOver

The one line you don't want to hear from the surgeon: "Wala pang three seconds.."

Pulled-out-of-my-ass trivia: Pope Gregory XIII shortened February to help out guys who overspent their salaries during Valentines.

At the very least can we get a choice of downvotes and upvotes in a computerized election? I don't know who to vote,but I do know who NOT to

I kind of wish our local elections were like the Oscars.We'd speculate for months on the nominees and then at the end,Anne Hathaway wins

After a while you end up making more comments about your craft than actual output. That, ladies and gents, is where all the drama comes from

What were my teachers thinking when they made us do valentine's day cards? In an all-boys school?

Plot fridays: A boy wakes up to find the ghosts of Rizal, Bonifacio, and Lapulapu helping him with everyday life. Hilarity ensues.

When will we ever get The Apprentice, Star Wars edition?

Osaka Irridology is far from useless. It gives you a license to stare at a girl's eyes without coming off as a creep.

Back then you didn't need a cause to run. And you didn't need to run to help a cause.

Kung gusto mo malaman ang tunay na pananaw ng tao sa relihiyon, utangan mo ng malupit.

Pg nakakakita ako ng kalbo na makapal ang balbas,iniimagin ko nagbakasyon yung buhok sa leeg tapos naging permanent resident na sa katagalan

Lahat naman ng coke bumubula pag bagong bukas. Balikan mo ako pag sumingaw na at kaya mo pa rin yang inumin.#loveadvise

The robbers aimed for a shop on the third floor inside a crowded mall surrounded by perpetual traffic. That's about as crazy as it gets.

It's possible that those haters you call are just normal people who have good reason to hate you because you're a complete ass. #sadtruths

Can we have a Lea Salonga rule wherein odds of Lea being mentioned in any conversation about theater music increases exponentially overtime?

They were playing the Zoren/Carmina nuptial vid at the entrance of a Weding expo, just to remind the guys how high the bar is right now.

You gotta embrace the pleasant random moments of life. They aren't likely to happen again if you miss them the first time around.

The best writing is the one that you do when you are supposed to be doing something else more important.

It's a bit f'ed up that one day when we have kids, we're going to tell a fairytale and we have to clarify that it's not one of the reboots.

Tandaan. Kahit si Juan Tamad na naghahantay na lang malaglagan ng prutas ay nag-effort maghanap ng lugar kung san may malalaglag na prutas.

Ang tunay na kayamanan, yung hindi madaling manakaw. Tulad ng megayatch, eroplano, at building.

Mahirap tumulong ng tunay sa kapwa kung yung kanang kamay mo nasa mouse at nagcclick ng "like" at "share". #ponderisms

Madalas kasi, mas takot pa tayo sa solusyon kesa sa problema.

And then the angel said "But my Lord, all that you said will make the Programmer the easiest occupation of all." God winked. "Legacy code."

In love with the idea of making something that far outlasts my lifetime.

The greatest tragedy of our generation is in thinking that the ability to spend money for stuff is pretty impressive.

Being an adult means some values that you held on to as a kid has to be compromised sometimes for the greater good of everybody around you.

Happy New Year, unless you're following the Chinese calendar, or from a country west of our time zone, or a Martian.

What's worse than a hipster? A hipster with an internet connection.

I believe in a destiny that courses through possibilities that you carve for yourself

He said he wanted an occupation that allowed him to travel a lot. I guess now that he's homeless...

Syet, para kang procedural programming. Wala kahit kaunting class. #insultoftheday

Always act in a manner that would not disappoint fans, real AND imaginary.

If you don't want the world to end, just keep running faster than the earth spins and it will always be today.

"You know what'd be a pimping way to celebrate my birthday? Red round cheese balls and pear-shaped cured pork meat. That'd be bangin' yo."

Jai alai is the only sport that genuinely scares me, even as a spectator. A ball travelling that fast hits you in the nuts, you're gone brah

Having facebook/google+/twitter buttons on porn sites is a lot like having souvenir photo booths inside strip clubs.

I guess people stop using "Lolo mo" as an interjection when they stop having lolos around. : (

The main difference between caroling here and abroad is that in addition to the spirit of Xmas and festivity,we have the spirit of extortion

You know it's possible that the other reindeers hated rudolph in the same way drivers hate people who always drive with high beam lights.

Masakit lang yan sa gilagid pag yun ang ginagamit mo sa pagiisip.

Whenever somebody says "Unang tagay sa demonyo" do you think he really drinks it?I wouldn't drink from the ground. Or from the GD bottlecap.

Doing christmas hit songs remixes should automatically disqualify you from Santa's nice list.

Awesome stories are formed when extraordinary things happen to ordinary people.

Please don't mistake emotion for motion.

Bakit artista at pornstar lang ang may screen name? Hindi ba pwedeng pati mga programmer din? Mga karpintero? Mga habalhabal driver?

If your sandcastle keeps getting swamped by waves, don't blame the builder for not making it tough enough. Move the fucking castle.

Being the leader isn't just about making big decisions. It also means overseeing the run-up prior to the part where you have to make one. :|

It might be that for gift wrappers, Christmas is that one time of the year that they have to deal with more red tape than usual.

Frosty The Snowman should be the president of Samahan ng Malamig ang Pasko.

Imagine how much more productive the senate would be if there were loaded revolvers just lying around for anybody who'd want to use them.

Whenever foreigners say Asians can't drive,I just imagine inviting them over to take a crack at driving anywhere in Metro Manila for an hour

In the US it's called Thanksgiving. In Manila it's called "Hurray, they're celebrating Thanksgiving over there so we don't have to work" day

Nothing makes you reevaluate your future faster than getting clocked real bad in the nuts.

It's amazing how what we do for a living and what we do to get a life are almost always completely opposite things.

Never ask me to hold the elevator door by saying "Up?" because my programmer mind will just say "true" and move on to the next thought.

The real sideeffect of not dying by old age is an exponentially increased fear of dying from everything else.

Why can't we have sports categories for people who juice? I bet competitions there would be pretty intense.

#datingtips When your date says "kadiri"/"kadire" instead of "yuck",you know you're on a whole new level of grossing her out.

Online protesters are the best.They make zero difference like the offline kind ,but they don't block the roads I have to use going to work.

Always appear one notch dumber than your mark. Unless, of course, you already are.

It's amazing how much the things that we fear eventually shape our personalities.

Pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay. Tapos habang pinupulot nya, stone cold stunner mo. Kwits, g*go.

Whenever I ride the MRT,I pick a random person and try to build a story based on features I can observe.That's speculative fic in a nutshell

It's a lot easier to motivate yourself when you realize your pace right now is enough to warrant getting shot in the head in other countries

When I'm dead people should bring food to my grave not flowers.In the off chance that I do come alive, I don't want to eat petals.

Pag nagkaanak ka, pangalanan mo ng "Ulam" para pwede nya gamitin pickup "Pangalan pa lang, ulam na."

It's those little compliments from people you'd least expect to appreciate that just blow you away.

Management term of the day: "Paralysis through analysis."

I want to become an orthopedic for the sole purpose of saying "ayos na ang butubuto" and mean it.

I'm guessing all the workers at the mug factory are doing overtime already in preparation for supplying about 80% of all gifts this Xmas.

Yung amoy sinehan yung office area dahil sa popcorn at wiwi. (not sure kung san galing yung wiwi)

"She's so full of herself!" shouted the girl. And then the mortician came in. #shortstories

Please don't say "He's so full of himself!" because I get scared at the thought that a person can be filled with something else.

Since we're going to have tons of money from the Sin Tax bill, can we like, spend some to bring back Yosi Kadiri?That guy was hella trippy.

Simple lang naman ang pangarap ko. Gusto kong magmodel para sa mga videoke music vids.Magaling akong maglakad at magpanggap na nagmumunimuni

See, the best stories are the ones that are so riveting you can't even pay attention to how it was delivered.

The best relationships are based on mutual agreements, like "I'll stop calling you, if you stop calling the cops."

#stratos #livejump If you want to recreate the feeling of being in the balloon, go to Google Maps,then zoom out very slowly for two hours.

Sleepy but still waiting for #redbullstratos jump. After 2000 years somebody will go faster than an enraged mother holding a chinelas.

People will believe anything you whisper to them, especially at gunpoint.

The scary part of death is not the idea of the end. It's the idea that life will go on for everybody else but not for you.

School Pride: For when there's lack of individual merit, one has to find distinction by association.

Editorials. Feh. When people agree with you, you say you have the pulse of the people and when they don't, you say you make them think.

A Catholic University should always be a University before it is a Catholic institution, the same way the boat bow comes before the rudder.

Sore throat. It sucks that i have to speak at work sounding like the ghost of Christmas hangover.

Pag naging mayor ako, pag maglalagay ako ng EPAL sa mga signage ng projects, mukha ng mga artista gaya ni Jeric Raval at Gestoni Alarcon.

I sometimes think Santa elves are running my mucous glands. The slightest sign of cold and they start producing like crazy.

If Noah was born in Manila, nobody would've jeered him while building the Ark. "Ah, that's just genius," his neighbors would say.

For as long as there's somebody seeding porn out there, camaraderie amongst perfect strangers will never die.

If it's true love then there's no need to say "once upon a time".

If Professor X taught highschool, he'd have been bombarded with pubescent thoughts and he cant even complain. "No, Omega Red! Oh god no!"

Being Professor X is like following each and every twitter account in existence. And there's no unsubscribe. Nakakakalbo yun.

You can choose to be sophisticated alone or you can choose to be happy with the rest of us.

I can never understand why laser sounds have to be included in any cheerdance music.

As kids when we played jeepney, everybody wanted to be the driver. Riding an elevator with adults prove that few people ever go beyond that.

First military to weaponize mold wins everything.

Does anybody still use "Putris" as a bad word, or has it gone down the path of retirement along with "linsyak"?

Don't peg your IQ to the gas price. If you're late, you're late. Speeding in the fucking parking lot won't save your irresponsible ass.

Once upon a time I thought the "rebels" who stood by the sidelines on any issue and said "meh" were cool. Then I turned sixteen.

If ever Forever 21 ventures into casino, well, fuck Blackjack.

What Would Bernardo Carpio Do? Be perpetually angry, that's what. I'd be angry too if I were a badass giant and somebody names me Bernardo.

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. Mind controllers make you discuss stuff you shouldn't.

A mountain given the lifespan of a tree,a tree the lifespan of a fruit,a man given the lifespan of a fleeting- they are still what they are

".. like she took a dive on the ugly pool and scored a perfect 10" #insultoftheday

Ang pride ng mga nagaaway, parang party line. Kung walang magbababa, walang magkakaintindihan.

If I wanted to hang with somebody whose personality is defined by the newest gadgets he has, I'll befriend a product catalog #insultoftheday

Crossing the street in Manila is on a need to know basis. You'll know it's safe to cross once you've made it across.

Tip: Philippine sidewalks are inhabited by super dangerous killer invisible ninjas. Commuters will risk walking along the road to avoid them

"They call jeeps Kings of the Road because cross them and they can literally send your heads rolling - along with the rest of your body."

The Many Hairstyles of President Aquino #reallyshortbooks

Romance of The Three Kingdoms wouldn't have fit Twitter because it definitely has more than 140 characters. #tsaotsaosaidso

Friends are like dahon ng bayabas. They don't always necessarily make the situation better, but they do help in easing the pain #tuliquotes

I don't know if ever they'll need one, but tell Sodom and Gomorrah I've found their perfect poster child. #insultoftheday

I bet fewer people would pay as much attention if they changed the Facebook "like" into "lick". Fewer, mind you.

1 comment:

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