Massive Facebook Oneliner Roundup (Sept 2012 - July 2013)

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Let's take a moment to thank the fact that Facebook did not exist before we got our act together and started behaving like perfectly normal human adults. For the most part, anyway.

Last of Us is awesome, not just because you get to play old Gerard Butler with a young Ellen Page sidekick but because of the attention spent in the details. If some dude from the game dev team spent time making sure the direction of flowing tears shifts when a person changes the angle of his/her head, you know damn well they're pulling no stops.

Fast and the Furious IS Twilight for men. There's them cheesy lines that would pass easily as highschool pulp and instead of vampires and werewolves, there's cars and unbelievably sexy race chicks. At the middle of it all is a heavily built up guy with black hair and a sparkly white dude blasting through one ridiculous plot device after another.

Crack Nancy Binay jokes one day, defend Jessica Soho the next.

PSA: Dear froshies, avoid clumping together and blocking entrances/tight hallways/entire road lanes whenever you feel the urge to convene on where to eat. The answer is nowhere because the new school motto is Religio/Mores/Kayo Bahala. Carrion of froshies that get stuck and starve to death is a major cause of human traffic and late book returns. Upper classmen in a hurry to fail their next class do not like to get delayed. Thank you.

House Parati-yon-absent , House Lannis-terrible-job, House Targarabekaramiwork, House Greyjoybeenanamankinakinkokanina George R R Anting. #earlycornfridays

"Started from the bottom now we here." - Tetris.


The one advantage Dialup modems had is that they gave you some time to reflect on the reason why you're going online, while listening to the ponderous machine songs like "BRRRRRRT PEEP PEEP PIIIIIIIIIING. BRRRRRRRRT. Are you sure you're just going to scroll mindlessly your facebook feed? BRRRRRT. EEP EEP." And just to make sure you're pretty sure of your purpose, the modems would make you retry this 27 more times.

I sometimes wonder what it's like for the kids of Nancy Binay, with their mother recently becoming the brunt of an entire nation's jokes. I'd probably feel bad everytime I open up facebook, but then I'd forget about it later when I'm swimming in a pool filled with gold dust and russian models.

Never confuse democracy failing with democracy failing your expectations. Yes, citizen, you have a say. But having a say in matters is just half of democracy. The other half is being able to freely argue and, in consequence, influence the decision of others. If you're going to say that you did your job by just voting, you did half a job. The other half was convincing other voters why your choices are better than theirs. If you didn't get what you voted for, you probably didn't say what the rest should've voted for. That's how it's supposed to work - because there will be times that something is agreed on by many without being right , and there will be times something right will not be agreed upon by many. - Albert Einstein during the Malolos Convention of 1521 , Vienna Italy.

Erap jokes are in again, but only if you live in Manila. And only if it's still 1998.

When we have to rely on a half deranged senator, the internets, and humor to deliver us electoral justice, you just know nothing ever works anymore.

Using the MAX() function in a varchar column always ends in tears

The last season of Game of Thrones will be about Arya Stark defeating the leader of the white walkers, Frieza with the help of super saiyan Daenerys. Jon Snow finally completes the 7 magic crystal balls that summons Aegon's biggest dragon from the sky that grants him 1 wish. When the dragon god asks for a wish he says "Bran should have listened to mother and stay put instead of climbing up" and then everything in the world will be all right again.

Squatters started cropping up near the place where we play basketball. It's
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐□-□
(⌐□_□)
an Out-of-Court Settlement.

Dear Facebook, stop asking me about additional personal information. We're not on a date. :D

Globe sends me my March bill 2 months late with an amount 5x my usual charges, with my data plan switched to per kilobyte, and with oodles of WAP data charges pegged at 136 pesos PER megabyte. I didn't even know WAP still existed beyond 2003. At this rate, it wont be surprising to find charges for downloading Rico Yan operator logos and Linkin Park ringtones in my next bill.

Is it just me or are all posts that contain the prefix 'Insta' intentionally asinine? This message included

You won't know how good you are at budgeting until you're stuck in the dumper with just two squares of tissue to work on.

Thank you NAIA terminal1 for reminding everybody what it was like to fly 30 years ago.

There's a reason why 'rest of your lives' starts with 'rest'. Haha

30 minutes on the road, 2 accidents, countless traffic violators. Ain't nothing holy about driving during Holy Thursdays.

It's called Candy Crush because you play with candy in exchange for crushing your hope.

History term of the day: Aliping Namamahay: Alipin na hindi makanumber2 sa mall.

Suddenly it means so much different when you reverse "Stay hungry, stay foolish".

Playing bingo should never be a crime. Yelling "bingo!" as a passer-by is, and should be punishable by canning.

So I was thinking if you were a space rock and I were Russia, eventually I'd meteorite? #HELLYEAHCORNFRIDAYS

You know youre in love when thoughts of intentions replace thoughts of consequences.
   
Lack of religion, given enough conviction, is just another religion.

I bet if Apple comes up with a product called iPrison, the owners wouldn't be as happy with the idea of Jailbreaks.

I guess the main reason Mongolian Masterchef never took off is that every season, the judges will win.

"An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'May I join you?'" I laughed so hard, I nearly dropped my index.

The absolute craziness of the last 2 Matrix movies made me forgot how awesome the first one was. The action movies were fluid and stylish. The plot was barely solid and full of holes, but maan was it fun. I remember that for the better part of the 2000s, every other action movie tried to be the matrix, the matrix screensaver was THE screensaver, and there are about a hundred parodies for every iconic scene in the movie. We got tired of it all, but that don't make the move any less awesome.

"Oo nga no? Once upon a time, Youtube was a person and had a name. We called him Bob Saget."

The feeling you get when you see a friend appear in another friend's wall-posted pic and you didn't know beforehand that they actually knew each other is the same feeling you got when you saw Nick Fury appear at the end of a Marvel movie for the first time.

Super Mario jumps up and down with coins in his pockets and when he gets home at the end of level 1-1 he sets off fireworks. Pinoy si Super Mario, tanggapin na natin.

If you want to know what thinking ahead is all about, ask the Spaniards who decided to shoot Rizal one day before New Year's eve. Happy Rizal Day, everyone.

   
If speed kills does that mean traffic jams will lengthen your life?

FYI, the new Syntax Bill penalizes you for poorly written code.

If you live your life on day at a time, you'll realize everything's the opportunity of a lifetime.

Siguro yun yung problema sating mga pilipino. Di tayo marunong sumuko. Mabuti madalas, masama naman minsan. Pag natalo sa eleksyon, nadaya at magaapila. Pag nasesante sa gobyerno, TRO tapos apela sa CA. Pag di nakuha yung gustong mangyari sa bill, ilalaban pa rin. Imbes na umamin na "Tama, iba pala ang gusto ng sambayanan" at pagtulungan na kung ano yung napasa, napili, at napagbotohan, laban pa rin kung laban.

   
Nagising. Nagtaka na hindi nagalaram yung telephono. Hanap usual spot. Wala. Hanap sa bag. Wala. Hanap sa iba pang lugar. Wala. Inisip kung saan huling ginamit ang telepono. Sa taxi, kagabi. Panic mode. Palit password sa lahat ng account. Facebook. Twitter. Google. Linkedin. Inisip plaka ng taxi. Inisip pano malalaglag yung telepono. Tawag kay Anna. Paring phone. Nagring sa tabi. Nadaganan lang pala ng face towel. Nganga na lang.

The only real reason a congressman should ever have is that "my constituents will it". His job is to be the crier that echoes the voice of the populace. It is not for him to judge what is best on everybody's behalf. It is for him to listen to the voters that put him to office. He is not a leader. He is not a king. He is a representative.

The main difference between caroling here and abroad is that in addition to the spirit of Xmas and festivity,we have the spirit of extortion A group of caroling adults would sometimes go around in a vehicle blasting prerecorded songs from their speakers stopping only long enough to get the aguinaldo. That's not caroling, dawg. That's a drive-by!

After using the net for a while you learn that you can answer pretty much every question in your head with a few clicks. What takes a while longer to comprehend is that for some questions, it's far more fulfilling to learn things by asking another person.

lan kaya ang miyembro ng "Samahan ng Malamig Ang Pasko" sa Alaska?

I cannot accept "Christmas Season" as a valid reason for traffic unless I meet somebody who actually only uses his vehicle during -ber months, Santa not included. Do people hand out cans of gasoline to caroling kids?

Internet justice isn't.

Casper was a 2-hour long movie about what it feels like to be dead and still friendzoned.

First they moved the terminal away from majority of office goers, then they started issuing tickets, then they raised the prices of tickets, then now they're saying the tickets will no longer be honored when you're riding the commissioned colorum fx/vans. I have good reason to believe there's a special department in McKinley Hill whose sole purpose of existence is to make commuter life miserable.

It looks like Domaindlx and Bravehost are also gone now. Geocities is long gone as well, and I can't really care about what happens to Tripod. Once upon a time, these sites seemed like they were going to be around forever. Seemed, anyway. I learned the hard truth at the price of countless lost files. Moral lesson? Back your files up. Don't rely on any online website just because they seem like they'll still be around tomorrow.

   
The eternal optimist in me is saying that my crappy handwriting is to serve as a human CAPTCHA for when robots start infiltrating our society. Good luck reading my name, terminator sir.

When people ask me how long on the internet I've been I reply to them that when I got a 56k dialup modem for the first time, I considered it an upgrade.

See the problem is that every time I see a post decrying possible trespasses in freedom of speech, I scroll down and see freedom of speech in the form of paraphrased Vice Ganda quotes on top of stolen images from the net. Hoy haaaaaaaah. Yun lang.

Happy Teachers Day to all the teachers. Thank you for imparting us, through those countless exams, random recitations, and report cards, our first real practical application of prayer.

The best part about going to a school of colloids is that classes are always suspended. (yes, it's a chemistry joke. what are you going to do about it?)

I just saw and bought the freshest looking T-Bone steaks at the market. This is probably the closest I'll ever get to experiencing the thrill of the hunt, but what the hey.

We should treat life the way we treat camera film and make colorful, beautiful memories from negatives. (Obsolete quotes)

There's a sense of irony in seeing a witty quip about Sotto's stolen speech being reposted anonymously all over Facebook. Let's not kid ourselves. Sotto isn't the root of the problem. He's just the most blatant, most expensive manifestation of it.

"Todays child grow up with the internet. By the time a child born in 2000 hits the age of 10, they have seen more dicks than a proctologist born in 1946 did in their whole career. "

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