5 Types of Drivers You Meet At the Parking Lot

Thursday, January 06, 2011

1. Man in the middle
Remember back in preschool there was always that one particularly handicapped kid in EVERY class who just couldn't keep color with crayons within the lines no matter how hard he tried? Remember how he messed up every coloring book in the playarea with his shitty muscle control? Well, that kid has grown up and has apparently managed to save enough to buy a car. Now he's messing shit up in the parking lot instead, parking in middle of TWO parking slots whereas ONE slot would have SUFFICED. This guy doesn't understand the concept of parking lines - yet somehow, miraculously, manages to not choke to death when breathing through his stupid gaping mouth.

2. The waiter
Okay, so not all parking lots are as vast and accomodating as McKinley Hill (Where the ratio of parking lots to actual cars interested in visiting the borefesta that is the Piazza is 50 to 1). At some point in our lives, we have to wait for a free slot because the parking area is full. For The Waiter however, "some point" might as well be "always and forever". Any parking slot farther from the mall entrance than by at least six meters is already equivalent to a 25km endurance run for this lazy bastard, and might as well be nonexistent. Nevermind the fact that the 1 minute additional walk is paltry compared to the half an hour spent waiting for a slot near enough for this sloth-of-a-driver. To make things really retarded, this is the same bastard who was driving like the world is ending behind him earlier, presumably going by the logic "the sooner he gets to the parking lot, the sooner he can waste time waiting for shit" .

3. That guy with a deathwish
As early as 1846, mankind already knew the deadly effects of Carbon Monoxide on people. That's a good 164 years ago. You'd think by this time, people would already know better to not stay inside vehicles that tend to produce assloads of this gas when idling. Apparently, stupidity is more persistent when horsepower is involved. No, that guy with a deathwish will have none of that monoxide poisoning nonsense. He will sleep inside his mini-suite, crank up the airconditioning, and rest the good rest - possbily for good. He goes by the defense that if car companies did not wish for drivers to sleep inside their cars with the engine running, why did they make the driver's seat reclinable and the aircon only available when the car is started?

Throughout the animal kingdom, various species go into rituals of mating calls to attract potential partners in procreation. FLOWIN BEATZ mimics this by playing RnB, house, and sometimes unforgiveably novelty music loud inside his parked car with the windows rolled all the way down, hoping that his god given talent in pushing the volume button would be enough to attract fertile women across the savannah. Unfortunately for this guy, he achieves the exact opposite, warding off any potential copulation from a two hundred meter radius. Sometimes I still wonder why these types exist. I assume they're not getting sex, but somehow they still manage to increase in number - which brings up the theory that sound waves from shitty songs induce male asexual reproduction. Doctorate candidates take note - this is one for the books.

5. The Sadist
The sadist is the top predator of the parkinglot ecosystem. He knows how to push all your buttons and by god he's going to push harder than a mother who's giving birth to a fully furnished luxury SUV. The Sadist has a lot of moves, but nothing better exhibits his characteristics than when he's about to leave an obviously crowded parking lot. When a lot of people are waiting for freed up slots, you'd see him go to his vehicle and spend half an hour preparing to depart, occasionaly stealing glances at the ever growing impatient you with a tacit message "fuck you bro. You want this slot? You wait for it". He'd take his time checking tire pressure, arranging the groceries, and learning some new trade skill like organic farming, all at the expense of your time. And just when you've had it, he walks out of the vehicle and LEAVES. Because he wasn't really GOING ANYWHERE. He just knows you want his slot so bad. And he wants you to writhe in pain for it. In another instance, the SADIST drives up to a payparking exit seemingly without any idea of what people do in payparkings (they park and then they PAY). The sadist will pull up at the cashier who asks for a parking ticket, and look at her as though she's asking for his first born as payment. Nonetheless, the sadist will look for the ticket as though it were the holy grail, and would only find it THREE DAYS LATER when the line behind him would already have accumulated to about half of EDSA's rush hour population. He will then gladly proceed to pay with either the highest possible denomination (if a 100,000 peso bill exists, the Sadist will keep it just for this occassion) or in the lowest possible increments (forty pesos in one centavo coins is 4,000 pieces of useless shit) and count them one by one like a Shakespearean Jew and then proceed to haggle, not because he's cheap, but because he knows YOU are behind HIM and YOU HATE what he's doing. Avoid this type at all costs, even if it means you have to turn your car over to the towing company for parking somewhere illegal. Trust me, a towing fee and a traffic violation is a lot cheaper than hiring a top criminal lawyer to absolve you of righteous manslaughter.


Anonymous said...

Still hard for you. Don't get depressed.

jayjohnraien said...

You know Sir"? i admire's all your writings on your blog, and i really hope that i can be good as you someday and i can have my own perspective that i could post, but isa lang nabatid ko parang wala pa yata kayong naipo post all about the wicked porn and its industry, or about sa cybercrimes?.. Sana mabasa ko naman and iyong perspective abouth this things, so i can gain a knowledge about it from you sir..


Porn? Yeah we can do that. I'm running out of topics anyway. Let's do it this week.


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