Life's Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands back your ass on a silver platter, I think lemonade might be a better choice.

I once was able to convince my girlfriend into joining a threesome. I guess it was my mistake that I never told her I should be one of the other participants.

When one of my cousins had her first case of menstruation, her younger sister freaked at the sight of blood in my cousin's bed. Instead of disgust, her face was that of horror, so I just had to ask why. She told me "Somebody tried to murder my sister in her sleep!"

Sometimes it's a mistake to think that you're over a person when you're not. Last night I was driving my car and thought just that. After that I said to myself, "I knew I should have set the stunt ramp higher."

Office Bit

Your level of importance at work can be expressed by the number of people willing to pay good money to see you get devoured by a gang of rabid monkeys after you've disappeared without a proper reason for a week or two.

Converse-wise, the level of apathy people have for you at the office can be gauged by how many people actually never notice you were gone during those days.

5 People You Meet in Lan Kwai Fong

Lan Kwai Fong is a nightspot in Hong Kong. Everytime I go to Hong Kong I always end up visiting LKF at least once for one reason or another. And it's a terrific spot, with Hong Kong being a melting pot for lots of cultures, there's always at least one more interesting person you'll come across. Without further ado, here's my take on the matter.

1. The American Tourist Guy
Dignified. That's one word that you won't find anywhere near this man's description. "Rad" clothing combinations range from buttoned up long sleeves and sandals to plain khaki shorts and undershirts that make him look like a victim of apparel robbery (not that anybody would want his clothes) He's often found smoking a Cuban cigar which, might I say, FUCKING STINKS. These types are often found trying to dance up any Asian that they lay eyes on. Note that I'm using "dance" very loosely here, because ATG's dancing is no more like actual dancing than ballet like a slow version of having an epileptic seizure.

2. Chinese Business Man
Chinese Business Man is perhaps the most intense competition of American Tourist Guy for the coveted award of "Most Out-of-place Douchebag" inside the establishment. Often seen wearing a full suit - coat, tie, and corporate smug, one has to wonder what this guy is even doing in a music club instead of a boardroom. CMB is less conspicuous than the American tourist guy and often stays in the VIP lounge or the sidelines, whichever is less filled with people. Don't let his demure fool you though. He may look like an idiot just standing there bobbing his head up and down to the music like a meerkat, but a couple of drinks later, he will be heading off to the dance floor where he turns into an idiot who actually dances (or tries to, anyway).

3. Indian Raver
This guy's actually better dressed to fit inside the bar, often looking better groomed than other male stereotype counterparts - you'd actually be asking yourself why the girls aren't flocking towards his direction, shoes flying and all that shit. He dances also quite well so he's not such a bad guy - until he sweats. I guess you just can't put a good price on deodorant nowadays. And then there's this thing about Mundian to Bach Ke being played (a song that seems anthemic around Lan Kwai Fong). Once that plays, Indian Raver turns into an idiot, with a shit-eating grin appearing in his face, dancing with his hands thrown in the air in a scary shamanistic-we-dont-eat-cows manner. Yes, Indian Raver, we know the song came from your country - you don't have to fucking act like you suddenly own the goddamn bar. And no, we don't appreciate you raising your arms like that. Rexona, motherfucker. Rexona.

reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efWOPiT20Bk

4. Wild White Soccer Mom
You know I really miss inside these bars? Captain Ahab. If he were around, we'd have less white whales splish-splashing around. I just hope there's enough harpoons. Wild White Soccer Mom is your typical mother of three who's gained one kilogram too much weight after marriage - and for some reason acquired mad cow disease. Operative word here is "mad". Often found in large groups (as you would see whales) they move around the dancefloor to impart to other dancers what the iceberg felt after the Titanic "scraped" it (clue: unpleasant crushing forces). After a couple of bottles of beer, WWSM forgets the level of decorum associated with motherhood and begins to show moves that would make even bouncers cringe. This type often gives out mating calls (i.e. "I'm wasted! I'm wasted!") Of course, as with any well-thinking society, these calls will go unanswered... hopefully.

5. The South-East Asian Hooker
Finally we have somebody who dances well, dresses appropriately (from the point of view of guys anyway), is friendly, and is always game for something more than just dancing. Also, she accepts all major credit cards. Single-handedly responsible for ruining the experience for almost all Asian women who want to have a good time by in Lang Kwai Fong by strengthening the stereotype that all South-East Asian women are willing to give it all for chump cash, SEAH enchants, mesmerizes, plays to fantasies, and gives exact change with minimal service charge.

Only American Tourist Guy seems to be happy about it.

Sunshine

Sometimes appreciation of the beauty of life can come from the most ephemeral of things - fleeting seconds of beauty, God's way of saying we live in a wonderful world.

Back in our home town, everyday I would watch naked sunshine appear from the small Capiz window, warmth brushing the translucent curtains.

And even for a brief moment I always found the scene different and just as interesting everytime, specially when I hear "Sunshine, namboboso nanaman yung kapitbahay!"

Godzilla

Right after Japan became the only country to ever see nuclear arms from the wrong end of the smoking barrel and just before they discovered that cartoons with large eyes and breasts would tends to work rather well with the crowd, they made films about giant monsters - the product of the combination of the horrors of nuclear warfare and the wonders of Japanese anime. Godzilla had large eyes like an anime character and radioactive breath as expected of a product of nuclear holocaust. He relied on wacky antics (e.g. destroying cities) like anime, at the same time had green skin like an a-bomb victim from Hiroshima.

In a typical monster movie, everything is easily destroyable by the monster whose name is in the film - everything, including logic and plot. I mean why do the town mayors call for plastic tanks? After 200 Godzilla movies they'd at least have learned that those tanks are no more than waste of taxpayer money that could be better spent on dental plans.

And then there's the issue of big ugly monsters falling in love with cute women. What the hell is up with that? You're a 1,000 ton radioactive death beast - and you fall in love with something that's not even the size of your snot?! If I were Godzilla the only thing I'd love is the sound of tanks crunching and buildings getting vaporized. If I can squash tanks with my feet right now, I don't think I'd have time to get loveydovey with any fleshy distractions.

Everybody in this genre does it. Big monsters falling in love with human girls. Godzilla. Gamera. King Kong. Dodot Jaworski. Maaan I fucking hate Dodot Jaworski, even until now. Because unlike all the rest of those monsters, he actually ended up marrying a then-hot chick - Mikee Cojuanco.

Mikee is pretty, talented, rich, and smart. Dodot is tall. What the fuck?

Wait, what was I talking about again? Dodot sucks.

God I hate it when I get derailed from the topic.

Bike Bombs

Two days ago, I read news about a "bike bomb" that had exploded in a public place in Iraq, killing people and injuring many more. Ah okay, a bike bomb. WAIT. WHAT?

First of all, damn. We already know for a fact that there are more carbombs in Iraq than cars. As a little experiment, count the number of passing cars that you see in newsclips shown on CNN everyday then count the number of carbomb explosions that you hear about that same day. See what I mean? You'd think after a while they'd just run out of cars to explode - and after hearing this news, I think they probably already did.

Now they're resorting to using bike bombs. At first I thought, wait, that's bike as in "motorcycle bike" right? Wrong. Not motorcycles, bicycles. I've heard of stupid terrorist ideas but this has got to take the cake (or gwalalalah or whatever they call cakes in the mideast).

It's a bike. Do you know how easy it is to find a bike suspicious? How much explosive can you strap into a mountain bike before people start thinking something's not right? I'm no expert in engineering but there's only so much you can carry on a bike. Shit, I can't even store a basket full of vegetables on mine without spilling them along the road halfway home. If you attach bombs to a bike, people WILL see it. Your failing attempt to balance on a piece of metallic shit strapped with pounds of explosive should be quite the sight as well (translation: pretty fucking stupid) so you really can't miss this sort of thing.

Many years into the future I will not be too surprised when they start running out of bikes and start using camels instead. By then I'd think of opening a shop there and start selling inline skates. Why?

Because inline skates are cool, that's all.

Combatron: The Light Ages

Forty years have passed since the final great struggle between Combatron's allied forces and Megadeath. After using up all his energy on the Galactic Phoenix, Combatron became all but a memory, remembered only by the few old enough to recall the momentous events that saved mankind from the grip of certain death. Peace settled across the galaxy because of the sacrifices made by the glorious few, but the world has long since moved on.

Fueled by the technologies brought in by the remnant population of Omicron that had been accepted by humankind after the cybernetic world's destruction, the face of the Earth changed rapidly, with nations forming and dissolving in pockets of conflict only known as ReEngineering Wars.

At the end of a bloody decade, the new Earth was split into three federations - Mu Omicronia, the Axellum Caliphate, and the Unis Federa, with each side only held back from attacking the others by an uneasy armistice.

To ensure that no federation will ever try to subvert this treaty, a special interfederation force was established, represented by all three forces - the Guardianus. This force is given the task to clean up any remnant skirmishes along the borders of each sovereignty.

Lt. Cerra Stratbein belongs to this group as one of the delegating forces of Unis Federa. Part of a generation that never saw the horrors of Megadeath and the heroic deeds of Combatron and his allies, she grew up closely haunted the Reengineer Wars, and even at the state of peace they were enforcing, petty differences were still tearing the very peacekeeping force she is part of.

Now ,there is a bigger threat at hand. The battles that the Guardianus are trying to pacify are becoming less sporadic and more organized, and better armed, as though an invisible hand is working to start once more the gears of all-out war. With Cerra and her troops personally witnessing the changing face of battle, she investigates further - until she comes across a warrior of great power suited in an armor only spoken of in legends...

Forty years have passed since the great struggle between Combatron's allied forces and Megadeath. At the very end of the darkness came the dawn of the new age.

The Light Ages.

At the very edge of the light, darkness.

So whacha think? [Y]es or [N]o?

Skating FAQ (fa-kyu)

I was out skating earlier tonight and I realized that even with the existence of ice rinks in our country for almost 15 years now (Megamall's rink opened '92), there's still just too many noobs who are wondering about the hows and whats of Ice Skating. So, as a community service for y'all here's my short guide on the darn thing.

What is Ice Skating?
Crudely defined, it's where you wear badly designed shoes that balance on thin metal rails that look like parts of an owner-type jeep at some point in their existence. You use these shoes to skid through ice and try as hard as possible to not look like a walrus in heat. I dont know what a walrus in heat looks like but I guess they skid on ice a lot using their bodies. It's actually fun.

Where can I ice skate here in the 'Pines?
There are three public rinks, one in SM Megamall, another in SM Southmall and another in SM Mall of Asia. MoA has the biggest one, and the equipment there is the best among the three so it's the best choice. The best time for skating is at night starting from 6pm onwards, because there are fewer people and the people who remain are generally courteous. NEVER skate on Sunday mornings.

How much will it cost me?
Standard fee is 350 for a whole day of skating. 30 pesos for locker rentals - you'll need lockers to store your shoes, bags, and dentures.

What should I bring?
Actually most of these things are optional but they will be important if you intend to have fun in the rink. Trust me on this.

- Socks. I can't stress hard enough the type of socks that you should bring. You'll need thick cotton socks that have ankle support and are long enough to go up to at least your shin. Reason? Rental skates have very rough insides and since your skates will be attached to your feet and moving a lot, friction can easily create wounds in your feet without proper protection. They're high-cut too so footsocks are unacceptable.

- Extra socks. Rental skates tend to get wet after somebody uses it and it really really smells. No matter how quick your session is, the socks you used will smell like leather boots after wading through flood. You dont want to wear these socks longer than you need to. Not unless athlete's foot is now in fashion. :)

- Jacket. The temp inside the rink can swing between 9-16 degrees. If youre a beginner and you won't be sweating so much, it will feel much colder. Don't think you're cool enough to not need one. Bring a jacket - nobody ever wants to have sex with shivering purple coloured fucks. (the rink is actually an awesome place to bring out your porma jacket, if you have one)

- Pants. Of course you can't walk around naked, but that's not exactly what I'm trying to say. For the girls, wear pants on your first time. The ice can be very rough on the skin during falls and if you want your legs to stay smooth, wear jeans. Not too tight though, for very obvious reasons (i.e. you're fat)

Do I need to wear a helmet?
This is actually where people get sensitive. There are free helmets available for everybody, even adults. And no, wearing helmets is not fashionable - it's for safety. If it's your first time and you have nobody to help you with your skating, wear a helmet. Sure it looks short-bus retarded, but at least when you fall down and bonk your head, you won't actually end up retarded. Actual retards need not bother with helmets.

Any other tips?
Sure. Ice skating is fun and safe if you keep in mind the following things:

1. Do not act like an idiot. This is the primary rule of any sport that involves high speeds and metal objects. If you think you can do something you just saw from an intermediate skater, just junk that thought. You'll probably do it wrong and end up injuring yourself. Everything should be done gradually, even the basics. Speeding up is easy, control should be your focus. Which brings us to:

2. Balance. The ice is very slippery. That's why it's ice. You should make balancing your priority. Always make sure your center of gravity is in your middle. Never do any other action like speeding up or turning without you having a firm balance.

3. Learn how to fall and how to get up from a fall. Falling is inevitable. Just tonight, I fell twice. Yes it hurts, and yes my left leg feels numb right now but that's just how falling is. Apart from that, it's all fun and games, so better have that one out of the way. Have somebody teach you how to fall and how to get up (if you're learning alone, ask an instructor to teach you that, it's easy to teach so you need not pay - but if you want to, tip anyway) . Always make sure your fists are closed when you are down. Fingers tend to come off when high speed figure skates run into them.

4. When your feet hurt, stop skating and check why. Continuing while in pain might lead to bruises and wounds. Either your skates' shoesize is wrong, your socks are too thin or your lacing is not tight enough.

5. Lastly, be friendly. If you need to ask somebody for help, just do so in the most polite manner you can. Skating is a social activity and you should treat it that way. Nobody wants to skate around an antisocial asshole (more like skate over them) so at the very least, smile :D

So there. I offer free basic skating tutorials upon request to friends as long as friends don't equate to guy/group of guys, again, for very obvious reasons. If you're not my friend, become one first. (proverbial foreplay before sex) Just drop a message on my YM if you're interested.

Riddle me this, riddle me that, what's gayer than Elton John's pink hat?
Two guys ice skating.

Diplomas

Many people think that getting a college diploma is supposed to make things easier for you. They're wrong. Life won't be any easier on you just because you have a piece of paper with your name on it. Life is hard and it will forever be hard. In this world, the only easy day is yesterday. That diploma isn't a ticket to easyville - instead, it's a way of saying to the world that through the fires of college, you're now better equipped to weather out the harshness of the real world. It says "Here I am, I'm somebody you can't fuck around with."

So what are you waiting for? Enroll now in our special Public Static Online education program where you'll learn how to read, write, and surf for porn undetected! (and we all know the last part alone is already worth the time)

Lazy Reporters

This is why we can't have nice things.

Is it just me or are reporters getting lazier and lazier? After INQ7.net broke up, Inquirer.net converted itself into a poor excuse of a news site with credibility dipping to an all-time low. Add to that the fact that half of the entries there are half-assed blogs from the who's-who of who cares and it makes me wonder why we even bother visit this shitty site.

And now we have an article that's about as long and as informative as a public toilet cubicle door vandalism.

This is why we can't have nice things.

First Jokes

So what's the oldest joke you can remember? The oldest joke ever told to me that I can still remember comes from my sister. I was around three when she told this to me and she probably learned it from school (a resource I didn't have access to back then).

Sister: Gusto mo ng sampaloc?
Me: YESH!
Sister: *slaps* Sampal! *points up* Look!
Sister: Sige, pakwan na lang! Gusto mo?
Me: YESH!
Sister: *slaps* Pak! *lifts index finger* One!

Even then I found the joke corny, but for some reason I remembered it. The first joke I found funny and actually remembered came from my dad. Here's a rough translation of it:

A poor man got caught stealing a whole fried chicken by a security guard in a restaurant. Half-moved by pity, the guard decided to play a game with the poor man. "Okay," he said "you can eat the chicken on one condition - whatever you do to that chicken, I will do to you."

So the guy didn't do anything with the chicken first. But hunger got the best of him so he pinch the chicken's breast. The guard then promptly pinched him in the chest. The poor man flinched and could not eat the chicken.

Moved by hunger once more, he bit one of the chicken legs. The guard, surprisingly bit him as well. He winced from the pain and let go of the chicken leg.

The poor man thought long and hard and the security guard thought he finally dissuaded the poor man from eating the chicken.

Then, the poor man put the chicken's buttocks in his mouth.

I think I was already in Saudi when I first heard this joke, so I was probably four to five years old already.

So what's the oldest joke in your book? (tip: if it's a green joke, you may want to consider psychiatric help)

Article Recommendation

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2370

I rarely recommend articles outside this site, but This one I gotta make an exception.

It's an article by David Wong entitled 7 Reasons The 21st Century is Making You Miserable. If you're going to be reading only one net article this week, read this one. It might even have an impact on you.

Public Static the Book (foreword)

(If ever a book comes out, this'll probably the first thing that you'll read. Apart from the title anyway)

WARNING:

The articles you are about to read contains vulgarisms, bigotry, and precepts that are unaccepted by the standards of most traditional institutions (e.g. your mom). It is advised that discretion, an open mind, and the mythical Filipino trait of being sport be exercised while reading this book.

If you are in any way uncomfortable with the brand of humor present in this book, feel free to go to the children's section of the bookstore and go read books there instead - unless you are a pedophile, in which case you shouldn't go there and you should just go play in traffic for a while.

If in case you are reading this because a friend of yours recommended it, you can politely return it to him or her. At this point I would like to mention that if your friend owns this book, that means he or she has taste, class, and a profound sense of humor and as a basic tenet of evolution, you should try to make babies with the owner of this book at once. We need more of those kind of people.

Now if you are reading this in a library...

Maan, fuck libraries. And fuck you for being a cheapskate.

Go buy a copy so I, in turn, can buy myself a PS3.

Do it.

That said, I hope you enjoy the rest of this book as I enjoyed enjoying the enjoyment I supposedly enjoyed while writing this enjoying book.

And no, I'm not fixated with the word enjoy.

-------

Offtopic, if you've been wondering where I've been, I was out getting myself a life. What a waste of time.

Red the Wedding Planner

The following logs are excerpts from a conversation last night.

guest: hay...
guest: i still have plenty of time to think about it
nefasturis: its just a wedding
nefasturis: jebus
guest: i kno
nefasturis: you hear mass, eat cake, and smile a lot
guest: i know
nefasturis: if you're lucky some carpenter multiplies wine for you
nefasturis: if you're unlucky, somebody gets into fistfights over a piece of garter.

nefasturis: all im saying is how important can an event be if the best man is always sidetracked?

guest: is a 70K gown unreasonable?
nefasturis: lets just say if i get a 70k gown, the model wearing it better come with the goddamn package
nefasturis: here's a suggestion
nefasturis: MOVE YOUR WEDDING TO A BEACH
nefasturis: A NUDE BEACH
nefasturis: CHEAP. EFFECTIVE.
guest: haha
guest: how do we get people there eh?
nefasturis: TELL THEM ITS A NUDE BEACH WEDDING. people will go, you don't even have to do convincing.
guest: i would have loved a bora wedding but Catholic Church won't allow that
guest: haha
nefasturis: hmm how much does it cost to get baptized? 4k? 8k for you and vince.
nefasturis: 1. change religions
nefasturis: 2. nude beach wedding
nefasturis: 3. get baptized again
nefasturis: total price = 8k helluva cheaper than church+gown+wedding


guest: will you get a 70K gown for your bride?
nefasturis: There better be blowjobs in that package.
guest: ewww...
nefasturis: Depende sa stocks. If MERB goes up, sure. If MERB goes down, NUDE BEACH AHOY
guest: i don't know if it will be worth it since i will just wear it once
nefasturis: wear it to work
nefasturis: it'd be awesome
guest: haha
guest: no.
nefasturis: cosplay, caveman. do you know it?
nefasturis: if anybody asks, tell them you have a costume party to attend later
guest: no
nefasturis: party pooper. nobody goes to costume parties without a costume.


guest: i have tried on two gowns and i thought they looked nice
nefasturis: in case that fails, there's always photoshop
nefasturis: get 2 gowns.
guest: i can only march once
nefasturis: it'd be like wrestling.
nefasturis: rip your clothes open ala hulk hogan midway
guest: haha
guest: good concept
nefasturis: that'd be like BOOM! MOTHAFUCKA DIDNT EXPECT THAT DINCHA
nefasturis: then go play rap music
nefasturis: because you want your march to be bad ass

guest: one big cake or 100 pcs of small cakes? all edible?
guest: haha
nefasturis: Cake with girl inside, preferrably loli.
guest: i really like your concept hehe
guest: maybe you should be a weddin planner
nefasturis: Thanks. Go with the cake.
guest: grrr...
nefasturis: Do it.
guest: no girls in the cake!
nefasturis: Okay, kahit hindi loli.
guest: haha
guest: still no.
nefasturis: look, the cake doesnt have to be really big.
nefasturis: just enough for the girl to fit in.
guest: haha
guest: see... you want it loli
nefasturis: it helps if she's a contortionist
guest: i can't believe you
guest: haha
guest: yuck
nefasturis: im just thinking itd be cheaper for you
guest: ok no more cake questions
nefasturis: i mean, i cant really get what i want at your expense (much)

guest: we don't have gowns yet, barongs and invitations
guest: and rings
guest: and flowers
guest: and cake
guest: but i think that's about it
guest: oh yeah the list of ninongs and ninangs
guest: haha
nefasturis: and people consenting to having creatures like you mulitplying and populating our world.
nefasturis: you gotta have permits for that too.

Something from the friends

I logged on to YM a couple of days ago and I was surprised to see my normally asshole-to-each-other friends Phil and Kat sporting very strange messages. "Kat is the sexiest, foxiest creature on the planet" says Phil's status. "Phil has a seven inch penis" says Kat's. Every few minutes, they changed their stats into something that would praise the other. Curious, I messaged Kat about their new found fondness of each other (to some degree), to which she casually replied: "We're playing Christian Roulette. We utter blasphemies in turns and see who God strikes down first."

*names were changed to real ones in order to protect their online aliases