China Vs. Corona

Friday, May 11, 2012

Last Sunday we were treated to a celebrity showdown that's normally reserved for what-if debates that occur six-bottles deep into a Friday-night drinking session. I imagine the starting question would be like: If Raymart Santiago fought Mon Tulfo, how long would it take before Gloria Diaz walks in on the set and becomes bedridden so they'd be forced to make up and become friends again in the name of Filipino movie values to the tune of a knocked-off dramatic Hollywood soundtrack? 

pictured: (left) Raymart,about to haul ass. 
(right) Ass in question to be hauled

Well apparently there's Red Horse where Fate hangs out because that's just what Fate made happen at NAIA 3, minus the Gloria Diaz part (well it hasn't happened so far, but it still could so I am not completely wrong - yet)

A few hundred miles away, another showdown was happening, with our brave fishermen and coastguard playing patigasan ng itlog with our counterparts along the Scarborough Shoal. Admittedly, it's like we're the Mon Tulfo of this showdown, with our boats outnumbered fifteen to one. And I assume, on one of their boats, there's also a class-A pirated version of the pink dude that smacked Tulfo like a red-headed stepchild in his now immortalized NAIA scandal video. Bottomline? We just can't win that one with our current resources.

NAIA scandal: better than the Mahal/Mura Shower Scanadal,
infinitely worse than Hayden Kho's Absolute Mineral Water scandal.  

But then again, on a completely different field, we have another battle yet going on, which is indirectly between Chief Justice Renato Corona who could probably sink the entire Chinese fleet by the sheer weight of his dollar accounts, and President Aquino, who has enough clearing space on his forehead to have it converted into a makeshift runway for our antiquated airforce jets. There's no clear winner just yet, as Corona's proving to be the dodgiest sunnovabitch we've seen being impeached. So much so that everybody looks at the previously for-impeachment exPresident Estrada and says "We're sorry. You're not the biggest asshole around anymore. As an apology, we will let you run against Mayor Lim for Manila. If you can beat jailtime then sure as hell you can beat a walking corpse."

Pic not related: Erap's FuckyouArroyoMobile. It runs on Jueteng Money.

Going back to our Chief Justice, I say let's use his powers. We'll have Andrew Tan of Megaworld sell the entire fucking Scarborough Shoal to him at a discount like his Penthouse, for like maybe 500 bucks because of "storm damage". If he doesn't agree at once, we'll embroil him first in a scandal and then bribe him with it, because he'll only accept it if it's dirty. By next year, it'll be in his SALN, and the prosecution will report it 10x via

I don't expect China to take this sitting down of course. Realizing they have been beaten to the race for squandering by an even more nefarious squanderer, they'll take it to court, wherein Serafin Cuevas will gladly declare that the islands aren't actually Corona's but in fact it's his daughters, who happens to be a physical therapist in the US who bought the islands and apparently half of China,and paid for it with her money. And for some reason everybody will lap it up like it's true, because hey, testimony.

Caption: Cross me and I will expand your asshole to this size
so I can insult you from inside your rectum.

And the rest will be history, like literally, the proceedings will be embroiled in so much bullshit and nonsensical rantings of International Judge Miriam Santiago that it will take ten years just to get past initial pleading. A hundred years later, archeologists will dig through the fossilized bullshit and see the case never finished, the islands never turned over to China, and Judge-Senator Enrile preserved, looking not a single day older. By then China would've given up and start claiming some other island nation instead, like the Bahamas. We. Can. Win. This. 

 Tonight's closing statement: 
The fate of the world is now a race between who gets to claim ownership on everything first: China or Corona's daughter.

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