Sesame Street Songs

I saw this vid on youtube the other day:



I don't really mind the song. It's catchy enough to haunt my head for almost two decades. Thanks to the song I learned what "above" and "below" meant. But now that I'm a bit older, I looked at the animation and thought: "What the hell was the artist smoking?!" I'm sure kids love colorful but this is just some surrealistic shit I can only see when I'm spiked with acid. Flying alligator in a pink dress and a spinner hat in a landscape that looks like one of picasso's lesser paintings.


Just whoah.

Bowling and Kids

So a friend of mine told me yesterday, "You should try bowling with kids sometime. It's tiring but fun." Sick bastard. I used to do find that fun too. But after a while the kids stop coming back - so we now use regular bowling balls instead.


(thanks abbe)

Nothing to Nih-Pah About

I came home drunk last night and while trying to fix my PC's disconnected hard drive, I accidentally ran a magnetic screwdriver head on my hard disks - 12 times. I don't know why either so dont ask.

So now I don't have a PC to use and I'm just mooching off my sister's laptop. Now's definitely not a high point of my week.

Expect updates to be few and far in between. Oh and yeah, I'll be in Tropezz bar later to watch the Laffapalooza finals. If you guys got time, drop by and cheer for Red. Goooo La Salle!

Slogan of the day:
"Save the whales, pork your fat girlfriend."

Keyboards and Roaches

One thing about cleaning keyboards is that you never know what's going to come out of it next. I have a keyboard at home that we got with one of our earliest PCs back in '96. And until recently I never really opened it up to clean its insides. Among the many expected things that fell out was the corpse of a small cockroach. How old it was, I'm not really sure (possibly even 11 years old) My sister saw it and me lacking anything better to say, replied "Debugging."

I bet it sucked to have been trapped in something like a keyboard, even for a cockroach. It would've tried to weave through the keys as they were being depressed by the typing fingers in an indiana jones fashion. I'd probably would've hidden in the right ALT button, because nobody ever presses that. But since he's dead, he probably didn't.

Nowadays I wouldn't really surprised anymore to find anything else inside my keyboard next time I clean it. I wouldn't be surprised, for example, if I took out the right ALT button and found Bin Laden hiding in there. He'd probably be saying "Damn motherfucker, I thought you'd never check this place out!"

Nice try, Terrorist, but my keyboard will not be harboring enemies of America. (maybe dirt, some nut shells, and "kulot na makapal" bits of hair but not terrorists.

Never terrorists.

Cobra Moment: Racist Joke

Cobra Commander: Dude, dude, you wanna hear this really good impression of Roadblock?
Cobra Commander: yeah maybe that will take his mind off the shit-coloured food he's eating.

Destro: Hmm? Okay. But only because you're the commander around here.
Destro: wait a minute, why is my chicken strangely coloured?


Destro: wait a fucking minute. how does that guy eat with a bedpan in his face anyway?
Cobra Commander: Suuup daaawg?! Nigga loves his chikuuuunz. Mh-hm.

Destro: Bahahaha! Good one! You almost sound like Roadblock!
Destro: dont think ill forget you served me raw chicken you bastard.

A couple of hours later..


Roadblock: So I heard you were saying something about me and fried chicken.
Cobra Commander: O shi -

San Diego Fire Chat (dunno what else to label this post)

friend: damn our zoo is on fire WAAAAAAA
redkinoko: you're in san diego right?
redkinoko: HOLY SHIT SEAWORLD IS ON FIRE?

friend: san diego is surrounded by 11 wild fires
friend: nakaencircled kami so halos no way out
redkinoko: and mexicans
redkinoko: have you tried Tijuana? It's nice at this time of the year.

friend: actually tiamaan indian reservation
redkinoko: damn. there goes outsourcing and 7-11s.

friend2: that reminds me that Calif is already in a state of calamity because of wildfires.
redkinoko: and scientology

If I Were To Make My Own Anime...

Title: Jack En Power

Plot:
Jack discovers his inborn talent in guessing divinating the winning form in the ancient sport of Janken. As he progresses into the wonderful world of RockPaperScissors, he encounters an evil syndicate hellbent in conquering the world using Janken and nothing else.

Climactic Scene:
In this scene Jack duels with Methusah, the 13th ranker of the evil RockRules syndicate.

























Jack: This is it, the final exchange of blows!

Methusah: I the evil overlord who plans on taking over the world using the game of paper-rock-scissors will not back down!

-------------------
Methusah: ROCK!

Jack: I saw that coming! PAPER!

Methusah: FUCKING BOXING GLOVES!

Sucks To Be: (Dumbledore Fan)

J.K. Rowling made headlines the other day for announcing that one of the main characters of her book series, Albus Dumbledore is gay

You can look at this from a lot of angles but there's no seen more tragic than from that of the nameless Harry Potter fan who, through countless roleplaying sessions with his fellow PotHeads, have made it clear to his friends that "I want to become Dumbledore".

I'm sure there's a lot of that kind of fan who, if you listen well enough, can be heard, weeping silently in front of his computer. If you can read this, sorry to hear that, Mr. Dumbledore fan. Have a "Sucks To Be You" award from Public Static.

And here's a toast to you, this week's "Sucks To Be You" winner. Your case is basically like that of the fans of Chris Benoit, except instead of batshit insane killer, you happened to worship a geriatric cocksucker.

So yeah.

More On The Makati Bombing (Conspiracy roots)

*warning, the following post is somewhat serious again. if you visit this site for humor posts only, come back tomorrow*

Right after posting yesterday, I got a lot of messages about the whole tragedy, asking whether or not it was in fact a deliberate attack. As it turns out, it was. Traces of C4 were found on the spot. After that revelation the whole issue has turned into an indecipherable act. The following aspects have not yet been resolved:

1. C4 explosives are very hard to obtain. Usually, the implements used for bombings in this country are improvised explosive devices. C4 on the other hand is something used for precision demolition. The only source of these items are the military. Either some country's military let their logistics slide to the hands of wrongdoers or they did it themselves. At this point it would be pointless to speculate which is which, but it's safe to say something went wrong on the side of the military (or another country's military if it were smuggled in)

2. Choice of Ground Zero is very strange. A restaurant's delivery bay's storeroom. If you're smart enough to acquire very rare explosive material, you should also be smart enough to know how it's used properly. Semtex is capable of demolishing Glorietta 2 if applied on the right areas (load-bearing pylons for example). Semtex is very easy to smuggle in as well, and as some experts have pointed out, is very malleable to shape into any container. I know it's already speculation at this point but the delivery bay is one of the the least populated areas of a mall during daytime. The only reason I can think of for choosing this spot is to cause the most alarm with the least amount of casualties done. Now if you are a terrorist, would you really care for minimizing the number of people lost? And no, C4 is not easy to accidentally trigger. It was designed to be that way. If it exploded, it's because somebody wanted it to.

3. Nobody has claimed the deed up until now. The trend has always been that some group lays claim at most 24 hours after the bombing. Why is there nobody calling in?

I will not state any guesses regarding the objective of this bombing as I'm not exactly a fan of conspiracy theories.

(post to be continued later)

Makati LPG/Bomb Blast - My Explanation

Update: C4 traces claimed by the local forensics are found to be negative by another group from the States, making the gas explosion angle possible yet again. Those fuckers at PNP really don't know their asses from a hole in the ground (or for this case, a crater). Too late to disclaim terrorist roots. Thanks to them, the stock market's preparing for a crash a few minutes after I post this update. Bang up job, idiots. Sure that it's not a gas explosion? With cops like these I'm just wondering why we still need fortunetellers.
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Update: It looks like semtex has been found onsite, therefore this article has been disproven. Today's a sad day for Chinese restaurants and Cellphone repair shops. If you guys're reading this, be careful ya? Now back to regular programming.
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There have been speculations as to whether or not the explosion in Luk Yuen earlier today in Makati's Glorietta was caused by a bomb. I'd say it's from LPG. I've seen what propane can do and yes it's capable of massive damage.

Propane has the ability to destroy homes when it reaches it's upper limit concentration of 15% in confined space and then ignited. 15% volume of a small room is easy to fill with a single large leaking LPG tank. And while the explosive heat from a propane-fueled explosion will not be enough to melt an LPG tank. it's enough to weaken the vulnerable release tips to cause more gas to leak out.

A chain reaction would've been possible but I wouldn't be too sure of that either since the acoustic signature reported by people is just one large blast even by those nearby. Chain reactions would have had multiple explosions with seconds between.

Given that the location of the Luk Yuen's room was somewhere within the structure of Glorietta 3, the impact from that blast will have no other place to travel to but within the framework, causing maximum damage in an earthquake-like fashion.

If you check the dust accumulation sustained by the structures in the pictures, the debris came from objects that fell because of being shaken violently and not from a massive omnidirectional shockwave that C4 would have done had it been the one responsible. As for the gaping hole in the ground, earthquakes can do that too and since there's a basement under, it shouldn't take that much force to shatter the floor.

Oh and yeah, half of that I pulled out of my ass.

Laziest Gifts

Let's face it. Giving gifts can be a bitch. Since nobody ever really knows what people want, it's always a hit and miss game that nobody ever really volunteers for. I sometimes spend months planning what gift to give only to hear about the receiver bitch about how weak my gift was.

Assholes! :|

There are, however, gifts that aren't even trying - gifts that pretty much say "I like you enough to give you a gift but not enough for me to think about it." either that or "My mom gave birth to a retarded baby and it's not my siblings."

Below is my list of all-time favorite laziest gifts.

5. Flowers
Flowers can mean a lot of things. Red roses are a sign of affection. White roses, honest intent. Tulips are cherishing. Ink-dipped sampaguitas are homicidal. Usually though, they're just excuses for not being able to think of anything better.

Why do women like flowers anyway? As comedian Ellen DeGeneres once said "I like kids too but I dont cut off their heads and place them on vases filled with water" That's probably the only sensible thing she ever said on her shitty talkshow. Seriously, who would want anything that's obviously bound to die a few days later?

Good alternative to be creative:
A dying puppy. "Happy Birthday Jill. Instead of dying flowers, I send you another dying living thing. Make him happy please - he has aids."

4. Gift Cheques
Everytime I try looking for a suitable gift, I get frustrated enough to just say "Why don't I give that broad some money and have her buy whatever she wants?" In jest of course. Gift Cheques are what happens when you take that question seriously. An icon of giftgiving laziness, GC's free you from the burden of having to choose anything and place it on whoever your giving it to, ensuring you are able to continue the same level of laziness without the guilt of not giving a damn.

Good alternative to be creative:
If a kid asks for a treehouse for his birthday, give him hammer, lumber, and some nails. "Dear Junior, I couldn't decide what kind of house you want so let's go with a do-it-yourself way. Go nuts buddy."

3. Gift Cards
Even worse than gift cheques are gift cards. They're basically at the same level of laziness, added with stinginess. I can't remember the last time I received a gift card and actually felt delighted I received it. The witty lines written on the things weren't even from the sender. Now you don't have to think of the gift AND the dedication. Amazing how much technology has made our lives easier huh? Easier to sound like a jerk that is, without even trying.

Good alternative to be creative:
Hire some stranger to give the celebrant a hug and a greeting. "Dear Anna, I would have given a giftcard containing stuff written by other people but I like something more personal so I sent you a greeter instead. p.s. Enjoy his French."

2. Blue Magic Gift Shop Items
We have this saying that goes "Don't panic, there's Blue Magic!" For more than 20 years now Blue Magic has served as the saving grace for uninventive idiots who can't think of something as simple as a proper gift. Giving Blue Magic items to experienced receivers pretty much says "I was going to give you something better but I had last minute problems so I stopped by Blue Magic and picked up this insanely huge stuffed toy to compensate." The only good thing about Blue Magic is that they're generic enough to be reused. A single smiley stuffed toy can be rotated in a circle of friends without the original giver ever noticing it. (but then again friends who give friends Blue Magic stuff makes the definition of "friends" somewhat ambiguous.

Good alternative to be creative:
GiftGate? Nah. It's time we picked another shop to become the default shop, like maybe a drug store. Over-the-counters are always useful, if not to the receiver, to his or her loved ones. "Have some Viagra.You may not be able to use it as a girl, but think of your husband 30 years from now. Best Wishes."

1. Coffee mugs.
Well, well, well, it's almost Christmas time. I don't think anything can scream out "LAZY" louder than coffee mugs. They're so freely distributed in our society we might as well make them currency. And for so long as we're celebrating Christmas, this currency will outlive any government-based currencies around. Many years into the future people will not have wallets with them. The future will be bought and sold in portable cupboards. Make sure you live long enough to see this so I can gloat about my prediction.

I actually have written a separate article just for coffee mugs.

Good alternative to be creative:
There is no alternative. Just thinking of giving a mug for a gift should be punishable by law already. If it weren't so unrequested, mug-giving might've been considered a human rights violation. We have a right. A right to get decent gift that's not in the form of a coffee holding piece of porcelain (or plastic, if the guy's stingy) There's a reason why they call mugging mugging. Mugs suck.

(p.s. If you recieved any of those from me, I wasn't being lazy. There's probably some special reason why I gave that gift. If you can't figure it out, think some more. There has to be a reason. There has to.)

Random One-Liners

A departed man will often be remembered for two things:
what he leaves behind. and what he takes with him to the grave.
But what I really think will make people remember,
is if the departed man leaves his grave behind.

Sabi ni lolo, "pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay." Akala ko dati walang kwenta ang kanyang payo. Huli na ng malaman ko na iba pala ang ibig sabihin kung may alaga ang lolo mo na higanteng bibe na mahilig sa tinapay.

A real christian will turn the other cheek. A ninja christian will turn the cheek of the other guy just fast enough to snap his neck.

Daily Prayer: Lord, grant me the strength to restrain myself, or the perseverance to drag the body all the way to the swamp.

It's sometimes humbling to see a brave man who's seen a lot of hardships be reduced to tears by something as simple as a direct application of teargas.

Alexan The Brave

Alexan the brave stood on top of the hill with me, dust-worn eyes raging with the fires of battle. His sword was unsheathed, gleaming as the rising sun kissed it with the bright iren fire of the gods. I stood along with him and felt the rumble of the earth - sweet prelude to the battle. I clasped my warhammer hard and felt its weight. I was itching for the fighting. Alexan knew that much as well. He turned to me and asked, "What are our odds, General Baltrin?"

"Ten men against ten thousand," I replied. He grinned and tightened his chest plate. He pounded its bronze surface with his gauntlet and guffawed. "I like the odds," he said to me, "What do you think?"

I smiled. "I'd say those enemies over there are the ten craziest motherfuckers I've ever seen."

Quick Review of Upcoming Movies I Haven't Watched

I've Fallen For You

Touted (read: plugged shamelessly) by its producers as a love story with lots of Filipino values, here we see a Chinese girl and an American expat who can barely speak Tagalog without choking himself to death display the state of Pinoy culture (read:dying to nonexistent)

Ah well, it's still Kim Chiu anyway, whose fans are mostly composed of 40 year old married men and 20-something virgins so it'll still sell. I sometimes wonder why screenwriters even bother thinking of plot for these things. We can have the two standing there, not acting at all and they'd still rake money in. Oh wait...





The 11th Hour

Leo Di Caprio. Acting. Garbage. Nothing we haven't seen bundled together before so we might as well make this quick. 11th Hour can be referred to the sequel to "The Inconvenient Truth", and is just technically along the lines of hollywood sequels that you're not even sure why they're around (e.g. Resident Evil Extinction, Dr. Doolittle 3)

I'm still pretty clueless as to what makes producers think that something boring on Discovery Channel would become exciting when you project it into a large screen.



Kung Fu Fighter

Now I'm not really expert in marketing but I think we can say for sure, the title has quite an impact on a movie's overall initial impact on the audience. That said, the only initial impact this movie makes from its title is the sound of turd hitting the toilet water. I thought we were over and done with shitty oversimplified titles after we got tired of the Nintendo Family Computer. Can you imagine Matrix retitled as "Shooting Guns Slow" or something as epic as Rambo as "Blow Shit Up"?

Just no.


Highlander V: The Source

Just when I thought Hollywood was already finished raping the corpse of the first Highlander, they chuck this fifth installment at us without even giving a thought that this movie would have only been cool if it were shown TEN YEARS EARLIER.

Featuring a cast of nobodies and bad CGI's, The Source comes with fully loaded cheesy taglines like "GOOD VS. EVIL" and "THE ULTIMATE STRUGGLE" which makes you want to watch more - more other movies.

Picture of the Day

Quote for the day:

You cannot change what people think of you but it will always be up to you to decide whether they're wrong or right.

Success, Friends, Wisdom (or not)

Winners never quit. Losers never win, because then they'd be winners.

A loser will always have an excuse at hand. A winner will always have a hack at hand.

Napoleon said the greatest danger lies at the moment of victory. How true, those popping wine corks just get more and more deadly everytime.

If success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, why don't I see more successful people in sweatshops?

I once cried because I had no shoes. Then I saw a man with no shirt. "Nice day at the beach huh?" he said. It's so easy to forget sometimes.

True courage is knowing what danger lies ahead and still going for what you have set out to do. Knowing that, I sometimes feel stopping at a red light makes me gay.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear - something like cowering, retreating, and crawling while crying like a baby to find a safer location before starting to fear again.

Love doesn't make the world go round, but it'd be interesting if humans would all start humping in the same fluid motion.

The Finer Points: Resident Evil 3 - Extinction

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

I actually thought I was already done with this Resident Evil shit. I enjoyed part one. Any movie with Michelle Rodriguez holding a gun is scary (see SWAT) so because of that and the rocking OST, part one passed. Then came Resident Evil Part Two. Oh ho, part two was a disaster that turned the franchise into less of a zombie flick and more of a Mortal Kombat sequel (the Nemesis-Alice rivalry subplot was dogshit stupid) More zombies were seen in Shake Rattle and Roll IV than Resident Evil Apocalypse.

After watching that movie I thought, wow they screwed that one up. Game over, I guess.

I guessed wrong.

Now we have Extinction, a homage to the realization if you place the set in a patch of desert near Tijuana, you can actually save a lot of money in production costs and actually revive a dead franchise like a zombie. If you haven't seen the movie yet, prepare to see sand. Lots of it. (you'd half expect Aladdin to come flying across)

One noticeable thing here is that apparently the production crew had learned from their previous mistake in making Apocalypse. Now they've chosen to let go completely of character development and cohesive plot and just start patching one awesome scene after another. The result? A movie that will make you go "AWESOME!" and "WHAT." alternatingly throughout the film and then start wondering as the credits roll "Where's the ending?"

Yes, much like the strangely acclaimed Pirates of the Carribean 2, this shit has the last 10 minutes missing again. After the heroes split up into two groups, the other group just disappears, inducing a "what the fuck" to anybody who actually tries to make sense of the madness.

Now without further ado, here are some of the notes that I was able to make while watching the movie.

- At some point, Alice shows a tracking device that could pinpoint the whereabouts of the Umbrella Satellite. It's high tech as fuck but oh I don't know, despite that, it just couldn't tell the time and she had to ask Crocodile Dundee the time. Nice.

- I'm not sure why but after the movie I wanted to drink Pepsi and buy a new Sony Viao laptop and go to the states to visit a K-Mart. Oh wait, I know. BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Let's just say if a character ends up being named after a product a movie is advertising, like say a girl name KMART, it's a good sign that plugging may have gone TOO FAR.

- The schoolbus plow with metal screens on it was obviously from Romero's "of the Dead" movies. Whether on not this is homage or just ripping shit off, I'm not sure. And is it just me or is the bus driver a lot like Auto the bus driver from The Simpsons?

- Token black guy got killed as expected. Like Jazz from the Transformers. And that dude from Doom. And that guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer. Aliens 4? Anyway at least they're following that standard.

- During the scene leading to the final showdown, Alice goes down to the HIVE complex for the first time and sees lots of dead bodies, blood on the walls etc. Red Queen's sister (the computer) tells her the Nemesis dude is locked downstairs. Alice in theory is the first person to walk on that floor. Question is, who killed those scientists? If the Nemesis was able to go there and kill the scientists, why did he have to go back down to get locked?

- During the final showdown, Nemesis makes several barely noticeable passes at her, like a cat of sorts, scaring the audience and shit and makes Alice edgy. Now realize that if you're a two ton abomination, running around unnoticed in a pretty large room is hard - not to mention unnecessary. You're a two ton monster, not a goddamn ninja. ACT LIKE ONE.

- Apparently the T-Virus antidote makes you shit stupid. Just before Nemesis died, he acted like he's never seen the laser-cuts-you-to-shit room, even if he's been watching experiments run through it at least 87 times (see specimen count).

- Ali Larter is fucking hot, be it in Heroes or in this movie. It's obvious that the reason she didn't die is not because she's fucking leet like Alice. It's because the zombies want to hump her, not eat her.

- The superhuman powers of Alice kinda takes away the thrill of wondering if she can actually be killed (kinda answers the question what if Superman were in a zombie movie).


- Why is Eminem head of the Umbrella Corp?

Anyway with all those said, I still think this movie is worth the watch, if only because the wanton killing of zombie fodder is always something to enjoy.

This movie is actually somewhat a preview of what next year's Devil May Cry movie will be like - filled with awesome scenes, devoid of plot, and has kick ass soundtracks by the man, Marilyn Manson.

And yes, there will be Resident Evil 4. Will I watch again? Ali Larter pretty much answers that question. :)

Random Stuff You'd Rather Not Hear (pt. 1)

Location: Inflight a budget airline.

10. "Are you sure we should have turned left 30 minutes ago?"

9. "Does anybody have Indonesian currency so we can pay for the parking fees at the airport?"

8. "What do you mean they're cutting back on the fuel supply again?!"

7. "I became a pilot here because nobody else would accept my application in other airliners."

6. "Pfft. The glue included in model plane kits nowadays are so substandard. Can you hand me a spare so we can reattach our wing?"

5. "We'll be cruising at 30,000 feet in a few minutes, but since we're on budget, we would like you to help conserve the limited oxygen we've brought with us by holding your breath for as long as you can."

4. "Kindly empty your vomit bags after use and neatly fold it back into the front pocket of your seat. Thank you for your cooperation."

3. "Barya lang po sa umaga."

2. "This plane has a bit of a history, first flying with on Pearl Harbor during the outbreak of WW2..."

1. "Welcome to Sarimanok Airline."

Today's One-Liners

Last night I brought my girlfriend to her parents house. As I was about to leave, her mother told me "Stay safe on the road." "Don't worry," I replied, "I always wear condoms when having sex with hitchhikers." She was frowning as I left. Pfft. Some people just don't appreciate contraception.

While I'm not exactly sure what Australians meant about living "down under", I'd like to think they're in a position where they can take enough candid upskirt shots to earn a living.

Back then we thought that a million monkeys banging away at typewriters nonstop would eventually reproduce Shakespeare's works. Nowadays, it's common fact that they can only go so far as making very long Wikipedia entries about the plays.

I will not claim to be a staunch scholar of the Gospels, but a quick look at today's front page raises some very good points why dining with goverment officials and tax collectors isnt such a bad idea afterall.

I never let any sort of rejection bother me. I mean, why did they assume I'd accept?

When you need a friend,
that you can depend.
You can count on me
coz your my best crystal meth customer

Whenever you're in trouble, think of the banana fruit. While it won't solve your problems, hey, a banana.

I still don't have enough time to make full-blown articles so you just have to settle with these one-liners I can think of at the moment. Oh and yeah, just a short request, I don't really mind people messaging me on YM. Just don't act like a dick by nuking my account the moment you find out I'm not as I appear to be in this blog. Next person to do that will have his dog run over by a runabout golfcart.

No Bacon