5 People You Meet in Lan Kwai Fong

Lan Kwai Fong is a nightspot in Hong Kong. Everytime I go to Hong Kong I always end up visiting LKF at least once for one reason or another. And it's a terrific spot, with Hong Kong being a melting pot for lots of cultures, there's always at least one more interesting person you'll come across. Without further ado, here's my take on the matter.

1. The American Tourist Guy
Dignified. That's one word that you won't find anywhere near this man's description. "Rad" clothing combinations range from buttoned up long sleeves and sandals to plain khaki shorts and undershirts that make him look like a victim of apparel robbery (not that anybody would want his clothes) He's often found smoking a Cuban cigar which, might I say, FUCKING STINKS. These types are often found trying to dance up any Asian that they lay eyes on. Note that I'm using "dance" very loosely here, because ATG's dancing is no more like actual dancing than ballet like a slow version of having an epileptic seizure.

2. Chinese Business Man
Chinese Business Man is perhaps the most intense competition of American Tourist Guy for the coveted award of "Most Out-of-place Douchebag" inside the establishment. Often seen wearing a full suit - coat, tie, and corporate smug, one has to wonder what this guy is even doing in a music club instead of a boardroom. CMB is less conspicuous than the American tourist guy and often stays in the VIP lounge or the sidelines, whichever is less filled with people. Don't let his demure fool you though. He may look like an idiot just standing there bobbing his head up and down to the music like a meerkat, but a couple of drinks later, he will be heading off to the dance floor where he turns into an idiot who actually dances (or tries to, anyway).

3. Indian Raver
This guy's actually better dressed to fit inside the bar, often looking better groomed than other male stereotype counterparts - you'd actually be asking yourself why the girls aren't flocking towards his direction, shoes flying and all that shit. He dances also quite well so he's not such a bad guy - until he sweats. I guess you just can't put a good price on deodorant nowadays. And then there's this thing about Mundian to Bach Ke being played (a song that seems anthemic around Lan Kwai Fong). Once that plays, Indian Raver turns into an idiot, with a shit-eating grin appearing in his face, dancing with his hands thrown in the air in a scary shamanistic-we-dont-eat-cows manner. Yes, Indian Raver, we know the song came from your country - you don't have to fucking act like you suddenly own the goddamn bar. And no, we don't appreciate you raising your arms like that. Rexona, motherfucker. Rexona.

reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efWOPiT20Bk

4. Wild White Soccer Mom
You know I really miss inside these bars? Captain Ahab. If he were around, we'd have less white whales splish-splashing around. I just hope there's enough harpoons. Wild White Soccer Mom is your typical mother of three who's gained one kilogram too much weight after marriage - and for some reason acquired mad cow disease. Operative word here is "mad". Often found in large groups (as you would see whales) they move around the dancefloor to impart to other dancers what the iceberg felt after the Titanic "scraped" it (clue: unpleasant crushing forces). After a couple of bottles of beer, WWSM forgets the level of decorum associated with motherhood and begins to show moves that would make even bouncers cringe. This type often gives out mating calls (i.e. "I'm wasted! I'm wasted!") Of course, as with any well-thinking society, these calls will go unanswered... hopefully.

5. The South-East Asian Hooker
Finally we have somebody who dances well, dresses appropriately (from the point of view of guys anyway), is friendly, and is always game for something more than just dancing. Also, she accepts all major credit cards. Single-handedly responsible for ruining the experience for almost all Asian women who want to have a good time by in Lang Kwai Fong by strengthening the stereotype that all South-East Asian women are willing to give it all for chump cash, SEAH enchants, mesmerizes, plays to fantasies, and gives exact change with minimal service charge.

Only American Tourist Guy seems to be happy about it.