Philippine Road Rules

subtitle: Rules of Engagement for Foreigners Driving in Philippine Roads

I was talking to my girlfriend last night about how shitty the conditions of our roads and motorists are, which is usually the catch-all topic every in-the-car conversation boils down to when you've been on the road for at least an hour. She mentioned that if Australians were to drive on a laneless road like what constitutes 90% of our roads, they'd freak out, like maybe shout "Crikey!" a lot or whatever the hell they find fashionable nowadays.

To prevent that sort of thing from happening, I've decided to write an article about the some what subtle (read: day and night) differences between the theoretical rules and what gets applied on the road. Foreigners can read this primer to know what's in store for them while local drivers can read this to know why they're a bunch of idiots anyway.

Lanes
On a three-lane road, theoretically, the middle lane is for the slow vehicles while the inner lane is for the fast moving vehicles. The outer lane is for exiting vehicles, or if there are no exits, it's another lane for overtaking. In actual Philippine practice, the middle lane is for the slow vehicles, along with the inner and outer lanes, which are also for overtaking, exiting, and occasionally coasting, probably to induce aneurysms on the other drivers on purpose.

Lines on the Road
Solid yellow lines mean that the outer lane is for exclusive use of exiting vehicles and public utility vehicles. Solid white lines mean that the overtaking is prohibited. Dashed white lines mean that overtaking is allowed, but should be done properly. Double lines are cautionary boundaries for merging roads, and other situations where yielding must be absolute.

Rotundas
Circular roads used for intersections with more than four exit points. Fuck Rotundas. If you can avoid these while driving, do it. Trust me on this.

Turn Signals
Turning signals are used to convey that you will be turning at the next intersection, or on a straightway, will be changing lanes. Be warned however, that Filipino drivers will consider this act as a direct challenge to the size of their penis, with the flashing light seemingly a signal form of the phrase "I am going to cut your lane, and you can't do anything about it." Of course, to the average Filipino driver, anything leaves a lot to interpretation.

Yield/No Yield Signals
In the absence of traffic lights, flashes of the headlights can be used as semaphores that tell drivers which car can get the right of way first. One flash means "I'll go first." and two flashes mean "You go first." Here in the Philippines, however, the meaning is different, in a sense that one flash means "I'll go first, you dirty faggot." and two flashes means "You go first, but you're still a dirty faggot, faggot." Expect retaliation soon afterwards.

Honking
Honking is an emergency device used to alert everyone of your presence, or any impending peril that may involve either you or the people around you. In most countries, honking indiscriminately while within city limits is already a traffic violation, while doing it outside the city is grounds for lashings or verbal abuse (depending on whether or not you live in Singapore)
Here in the Philippines, honking is a more primitive kind of communication, the same way ducks like to convey their feelings by quacking indiscriminately. Here are some possible meanings of honks in our country:

"Dude, move your fucking car"
"I want to buy cigarettes and candy from the greasy-looking kid"
"Come, ride my bus. I have a loud horn, so you should totally go inside."
"Thanks, asshole"
"I want to see your portfolio of harlots, Mr. Pimp."

I'll post more when I feel like it.

Inactivity Notice

I'll be away for the new year. Have a Bronson picture in the mean time.


Bronson: "Hey Baby"

Amazing Race Asia and North Korea

Can you imagine what would happen if there was a pair from North Korea in the Amazing Race?

It would be awesome.

First, the pair would probably have funky Korean names nobody ever uses like Boon and Koon, not their real names of course since you're not allowed to own anything in North Korea, not even names.

Instead of camera men, they'd be given "watchers" who're basically like the normal camera crew accompanying the contestants from other countries, except they're supplied by Dear Leader himself, and they're under instructions to shoot NoKor's representatives if they're being too slow, or are trying to divulge State Secrets (like how Kim Jong Il manages to fit inside his clothes)

Each episode would be a double handicap for the North Korean team because they're trying to both win the race AND become refugees to every country they're visiting. Every now and then you'd see the tip of a handgun popping out of the camera's view, with the "watcher" ensuring good behavior from the representatives and preventing any form of escape.

Of course you cant expect them to fail more than once and live through it. But since people don't have names in Korea and because of deprivation, everybody except Dear Leader pretty much looks like each other, when the contestants do get shot, they probably get replaced midway. You may want to take note of how the hair and mole positions of NoKor contestants suddenly change.

I expect them to win in food eating challenges, as back in their native country, getting food is the challenge. Eating it is the reward. Bull testicles? Fuck yeah, protein source. Any other physical challenge will be fishcake. All that manual labor in the mountains and all that wall scaling to smuggle contraband into the country will pay off.

Every time the team gets interviewed, they just go silent and a media spokesperson will tell the audience how great it is to be competing in the name of Dear Leader. Meanwhile, in the background, the team will try their best to, you know, beg for help from the outside world - because damn. That's what I would do if I were in their shoes (that and just run away)

They'll probably get shot after that scene too, but hey, Communism.

Sucks for this season. Next season perhaps? North Korea for the win! Maybe we can even include real Thai people, not over westernized class-A hookers who are anything but Thai.

Oh and yeah, mandatory warning. This article contains strong racial profiling.

Aguinaldo, Aguinaldon't

Plutarch once said, there are only so many times a man will be exposed to a force of such magnitude, the mere presence of which already lifechanging. I think he was referring to a rampaging tenwheeler. That or hivemind mobs. Speaking of mobs, I can only partially describe to you how much ruckus aguinaldo-giving on christmas day can generate when twenty peso bills are involved. All 600 of them.

Now I've participated in pamasko-giving sessions before, but this year's response was simply overwhelming. By overwhelming I mean holy-shit-resident-evit-redux overwhelming. At one point, our gate's hinges nearly broke down because of the sheer amount of people pushing to get a good position. If the gate could file for early retirement I'm pretty sure it would have, and probably lodge a complain or two in DOLE while at it.

With the help of my sister, mom, and proper crowd control in the form of Tita Arthur and the Knights of the Round Parlor, we were able to distribute more properly. Not to be a neat freak or anything (Hell, I didn't take a bath the previous day) but I showered before distributing the money, 2 hours after which I felt that I needed another one, with my hands covered in grime.

It was fun though. You can't put a price in having a kid, a complete stranger come up to you with delighted eyes that you will never see in any well-to-do kid even on christmas morning. He'll give you a warm hug saying "Salamat po, Merry Christmas." And you'd think courtesy is dead.

It's just sad to think that there are still so many people able and willing to take advantage of a system for personal gain even on Christmas morning. People pretending to have lost their claim stubs, stealing stubs from the younger kids, and just plain line cutting to get more aguinaldo. In a society that rewards ingenuity, suddenly following the rules becomes somewhat unappealing. When a kid asks me in the future, what it was that destroyed our great culture, it would be surmised with this: "Us and our value for the characteristic called 'wais'"

Merry Christmas, people.

Oh and yeah, Plutarch didn't say anything about what I mentioned earlier. I just felt that I want to mention his name in this article.

[pictures to be uploaded later]

An Open Letter To SOPAS

Dear Secret Organization of Pickpockets And Snatchers (SOPAS),

Tonight was the fifth time your members have tried to get my cellphone while riding a jeepney, and unsuccessfully. This has happened to me so many times, shit is getting cold. It's not even funny anymore. If you ride a jeep, find pickpockets onboard, get off the jeep, find another jeep and still find the same sort of assholes in your ride, you know people are having a hard time finding better things to do. Bottomline is every time I change rides because your members are trying to do something criminal retarded, I feel like I'm paying extra for other people's stupidity.

As a proud citizen of this country abhorring such ill-conceived practices, I have some suggestions that you may find useful in improving your services.

1. The Cargo Has To Go. - Did you by some chance institute a uniform for cellphone jackers? The cargo shorts may be useful, but look at the year people. It's almost 2008. The only people who are still wearing the shit you wear while doing your deeds are time travelers from the 90s who happen to suck at picking a good time, and you guys. Since time travelers are usually smart people and do not choose this century as a destination, that short pants with oversized pockets is as dead a giveaway to crime as a handgun in broad daylight. Wear jogging pants, they're not as useful, but hey, at least we know you like to workout (your way from prison).

2. Stop Making People Pick Things Up - Really. Coins. Cellphones. Keys. Bullshit. Nobody falls for it anymore, and it is anatomically possible for people to get the coin without bending completely over. Tip: what you see in Looney Tunes does not translate to a good modus operandi in real life - specially since we don't have ACME products.

3. Get A Decent Haircut. - I'm no expert in covert operations but I think looking half decent will remove at least 80% of the suspicion thrown at you. Like, you know, stop looking like a washed-out drug addict that screams "I like robbing people to get my fix."

4. Don't Scout Targets Like You're Shopping AT Target. - Last time I remembered, you're supposed to steal glances, not sensually rape fellow passengers by staring at the target from head to toe. You're not checking chicks out. You know what you're after. Focus on it and stop ogling.

5. Don't Overpopulate Jeepney Routes - You know, if you keep on adding people to the same jeepney route there will come a time when the guys from SOPAS will be pickpocketing each other because they outnumber the actual passengers who take that route. Diversify. Airplanes are pretty hot nowadays.

I have more suggestions but I'm too lazy to type. You guys tire me out. As a last suggestion, implement a frequent customer program, where previous victims can avail of the "no phone, already stolen" club perks. It may not make things easier for you, but it sure will improve your image as a group.

More power, and have a nice eternity in hell.

Cheers,
Public Static

HumpyDumpy Sucks

I loved field trips as a kid. They were awesome. Come to think of it, anything that prevented me from sitting inside the classroom for the day was awesome as a kid. This includes field trips, fairs, sports fests, firedrills, small fires. The last one happened so many times because some genius put our canteen's chimey beside the 2nd floor of our only wooden building it's actually something we looked forward to more often than sports fests. Pretty good logic you got there assholes.

Anyway, there's only one thing I hate about Field Trips, and it's not even supposed to be related. It's food that I swear, should be considered as contraband stuff. We all hate it, and you should know what I'm talking about.

Humpy Dumpy Corn chips.

There. I said it. Those things are pure evil. I bet they were originally designed as chemical warefare payload. Open a bag up and you're sure to lose companions here and there. Add the fact that buses are closely confined spaces and you got yourself a deathtrap.

When I see my seatmate open a bag of those smelly cornchips, I know our relationship as friends won't be lasting long, and trying to salvage any diplomacy will only end in tears and crushed chips being thrown out of the window.

What I don't get is why, despite all the food engineering mumbajumba they put into making those chips, did the makers of Humpy Dumpy not consider making their product not smell like fresh cowpiss.

Another thing I don't get is why people _still_ insisted in buying it. Have you seen the cover of one of these things? It's coloured purple. Unless it has something to do with UBE, purple is something you avoid. And it's not like it tastes good. Mr. Chips tastes just as interesting, but it's not packed with so much bullshit scent.

If cornchips were people, HumpyDumpy would be the equivalent of taong grasa. It stinks and hanging around it will make you unnecessarily antisocial. (people will not want to go near you)

Do they still make these chips? Are kids still suffering during field trips?

I'm not sure about the solution to global warming, but making sure no Humpydumpy packet is opened again will surely lessen the airpollution we have right now.

Crocodiles

I was watching the Discovery channel the other day and thought, what's the deal with crocodiles? And why do lots of these science people suddenly have the urge to wrestle them in front of cameras just so they can show you they have teeth? Now I'm no expert in crocodiles but I think I know enough that they have teeth. You don't have to show that to me. Can you imagine of these guys became dentists? You'd be getting your braces while agonizingly locked in a figure four, tapping out and shit.

So how come despite so many crocodile wrestlers I see on tv, I don't see any lion wrestlers? There probably are, but their taping sessions don't last very long. I wouldn't really mind if travel hosts adapted their "hands-on" approach to things though. Reporter: *wrestles passerby* Here in Rome, we can see the average Italian woman with amazingly well-formed Italian boobs - look! Very unlike the ruins around their city. Crikey!

Going back to crocodiles, don't they just remind you of slow people? These things are basically dinosaurs who kinda just got left behind. Like when all the dinosaurs were going fad after fad, these guys were just probably laying around like logs (they still do) and when extinction became the "in" thing (kinda like how suicide is to emo-tards), they missed the whole thing entirely. When the crocodiles realize they should start living life, they'd probably go "Shit, Steve, where are the others? I think we overslept again."

But you know what's going to finally end them? Crocs shoes. Those things are so ugly and disfunctional, I bet a lot of crocodiles are now planning on ending their life out of shame. "I'd slit my wrists too," says Mark the Crocodile, "if I can reach my wrists with my hand."

Nope nothing good about those animals.

Bad English

Ever encountered people who want to speak English properly but just can't? I remember one time, I was hanging at a friend's house. In that house everybody spoke fluent English - except the maid. That day my friend pointed out the maid coming in from her dayoff.

"O, inday, bakit magisa ka lang ata ngayon? Diba nililigawan ka nung sekyu sa may tapat?" The maid took a deep breath and stared at my friend. "Yis sir. But I don like him. He is a sarcasm."

"Sarcasm? Hahaha, Inday, you must be using the wrong word," my friend replied.

"No sir," replied the maid, "he's a sarcasm."

Finally my friend gave up and asked "What do you mean by 'a sarcasm'?" The maid shook her head, seemingly in disbelief that she couldn't be understood.

"He is a sarcasm. He is asar kasama."

Make Your Own Dead Man's Switch

A dead man's switch is a switch that's supposed to activate after the man who's created it has died or become incapacitated. They're usually applied for vehicles that require human participation (i.e. train operation) but they can also be used to denote methods for people to perform actions after they're dead. Since dead people are normally in no position to do stuff on their own (i.e. flip switches, eat living people) some form of automation is needed.

One example of a dead-man's switch can be seen in the novel Beyond Recall, where Rachel Lesage threatens the world using biological weapons deployed via courier service delivery that she calls every 24 hours for delaying the package. If she doesnt call the delivery (i.e. she's dead) the weapons are deployed.

This article discusses a very simple way to deliver messages post-mortem without anybody being in direct knowledge of what's going to be delivered. This design was originally concieved for usage in one of my stories. But then again I realized it could actually work in a real scenario.

Here are the steps:

1. Create a blogger account (e.g. Public Static) or an email account.

2. On that account, draft your messages. Make sure they are left in "drafts" and not actually published/sent (that would be embarassing).

3. Get at least four people. All four of them should be net savvy and active online and it will be much more secure if they do not know each other.

The first person should be very close to you. If possible a family member. He or she should be somebody who will most likely know if you're dead. If you feel that there's a chance that he or she might die with you, get another secondary close person too. These persons will be called "reporters".

The second and third persons should be specially active with their emails. They will be called "components".

The fourth person should be somebody you completely trust. He will be the only person who will know of the format the messages will be sent in. he'll also be the first to read the messages so he should be conditioned to publish no matter what it says. (it's helpful if the messages dont contain anything that would cause him to hesitate)

4. Tell the "reporter" if ever you die, he or she should send a mail to two email addresses containing a passphrase of sorts e.g. "The fat lady has sung." as a title. The two email addresses should be the addresses of the "components"

5. Give the username and password of the account to the second and third person respectively. Do not tell them what the phrases are for, just tell them that if they recieve an email containing the passphrase you told the "reporters", they should send their phrase to another email address. This email address should be the address of the fourth person.

6. Instruct the fourth person that if ever he receives two emails, he should use it to access blogger/email and publish all contents that are inside the account.

So there. Using this mechanism, you can have a message delivered after you're dead, without having to setup any fancy computer program for the function. The participants in the sequence will not be able to act independently and view or publish your messages. They wont even know your favors are for a dead man's switch.

Reliability is of course traded off with security. You can have many reporters and ask the components to not send out until every reporter has sent an email. This decreases the chance a reporter will try to become an asshole and send an email even before youre dead and succeed in publishing your entries. However, it increases the chance that one of the reporters will not send and your messages will be locked forever.

Anyway that's just the general idea. It's not 100% reliable but it might be fun to see how it turns out (spoiler: you don't). Have fun.

Get Your Trendy Shit Out Of My Net

I thought we've already settled with "embedded content" years ago. Now Friendster wants us to call them Apps (many call them widgets) Assholes, if many people call them widgets then why don't we call them WIDGETS?

And while where at it, fuck widgets. Widget is basically a shitty way of saying "program". I still don't know why we have to use that word. By definition, a widget is "A device or control that is very useful for a particular job". Right. Like "programs" arent like that?

It's this habit of trendwhoring that keeps the dumb fucks dumb. People who still don't know that blogs are basically websites, that what they're calling BRO is actually just wireless broadband. Emoticons are just smileys with interpretive graphics.

And audibles, well, fuck audibles. They shouldn't have any name. They're useless, annoying, and a bane to the collective internet. The guy who thought of them should be shot twice, for safe measure.

That is all.

The Cat and The Bird

... The bird flew as high as she could, past her own fears of flying, with no intention to return. She realized her feline friend could be eating her next, and used the fear to spread her wings. And the cat? The cat stood beside the corpse of a bird she had found that morning. She stared on and smiled. To have her bird friend flying no matter what it takes, such was her intention from the beginning.

Manila Peninsula Mutiny Jokes

So an armored personnel carrier walks into a bar. Bartender looks at it and says, "Manila Peninsula's across the street."

So how many mutineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 200. They all latch themselves to the bulb and then allow themselves to be spun around by Trillianes.

What did Oakwood say to Manila Peninsula? "Been there, done that."

Oakwood: "You're a little late."
Manila Peninsula: "I'm already torn."
Glorietta 2: "I'm cold and I'm ashamed, and broken on ground floor."

Sinong fairytale character daw ang nagpauso ng paguwi before 12?
Si Cinderella?
HINDE!
Eh sino?
Edi si Bernardo Curfew!

-------------------

Bakit daw pumasok yung APC sa Manila Pen?
Para daw hindi kalawangin sa ulan.

Things I want to see in the next gen portable consoles.

With the recent success of the Nintendo DS's sales all over the world because of its innovative ways of making the casual gamer look even more retarded on the go (and maybe because of the sales figures too), I'll predict that the next generation of portable consoles will be an interesting one. After adding a microphone and a touch based interface to the casual handheld, the skies the limit for console designers on what to add to their next cutting edge console.

Just to review first, here are a list of "failed" innovations that have haunted/plagued the portable console market:

Monochromatic Stereoscopic vision - Maybe in the future we're finally going to get that headset that lets us really immerse ourselves into virtual reality through an eyeglass-wearable gaming console that adjusts the PoV inside a game as we turn our heads. Population problems will be solved as countless people cluelessly walk into incoming traffic because they were "Trying to run away from that monster in Doom6". In that future, we'll be laughing at the vomit and headache-inducing piece of shit that his the Virtual Boy and how it tried to make things 3d and failed at it harder than Toni Gonzaga in making music albums. Being in 3D doesnt matter if all you're seeing is RED and the promise of epileptic seizures.

Adding too much shit not related to gaming (telephones, fax, shit like that) - Remember the N-Gage? That shit was just wrong. It looked like an oven toaster attached to the side of your head when making phonecalls and it looked like a chunk of Limburger cheese as a handheld. Whenever I saw somebody using an NGage I could automatically assume we can never be friends.

Exploding consoles - Wonderswan adds realism to the gaming experience by randomly exploding while charging its batteries. Actually it's not really a feature. More of a bug, the only reason I put it here is because you could brag "you like to play dangerously" with this feature and not be too far from the truth. But do I have to point out the issues here? Imagine the lost saved games.

That said, here are some features I want on my next generation portable console:

Breathalyzer - In case you dont know what this is, it's a tool that's used by law enforcement peeps to keep track of your alcohol level in your blood. Can you imagine a portable gaming console that lets you keep track of how far you're into a drinking game? Most drinking games never get finished, because you're usually too drunk to continue. Drinking games on a gaming console that are capable of saving things will let you progress, long after you've blacked out, puked, gotten into a barfight, and blacked out again.

Pedometer - No. It's not what you're thinking. A pedometer checks the number of steps its wearer makes. What? What were you thinking? Anyway, with this feature, the next gen console can even make the gamer more ridiculous by requiring steps in a game, say an RPG. Just imagine this. While trying to level up your pokemon by walking for as many miles as possible you walk into an alley where a sexual predator sees you. He begins chasing you and then you run away, and then run away some more. Your heart's pounding with thrill, and Pikachu's finally gonna get that next attack skill. Two for one entertainment, booya.

GPS - Actually this feature's already been implemented by a gaming console, the Gizmodo. Unfortunately for us, everything else about that console was just wrong. (one look at how it looks like and you'll know, it's shit. I can't believe how many companies still get the very basic requirement of not looking like a deterrent to a good sex life wrong) Anyway, with GPS the pedometer will be much easier to use, once you find yourself lost from all that walking. Other uses include locational based strategy games with your friends, for one helluva game of hide and seek. That and it'll be easier for your parents to find your body after the sexual predator from the pedometer episode finally catches up to you.

Portable Crankshaft - I don't know if this still happens but ever experienced having your console die out on you while on a long-haul trip? If the new nextgen console has a crank of sorts that will let you manually power it with your legs (for pedals) or left hand (if hand-driven) would be pretty lolly. As an added bonus, it fits in with the goal of all portable gameconsoles: To let the players experience the awkwardness of having to hold a plastic thingie with buttons on it while on the go.

I got other ideas but my hands are too tired to type. Got any more ideas?

Manila Earthquake

God's playing with His Wii.

So I guess this is the end of the console wars.

Goodbye XBox360. Goodbye PS3.

Fuck you Nintendo, fuck you.

Working on the Go

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Performing Groups

So anyway, a friend from china told me about their Chinese trapeze circus group coming to town for a couple of performances. She asked me how come we here in the Philippines don't have anything like that. I told her, "Actually we do. We have domestic acrobatics performing groups, and they're quite famous." So she asked "What's that? how come I've never heard of them before?" "Easy," I told her, "because around here, we call them akyat-bahay gangs instead."

Beyond the Closet

So come out already. Geez.

GForce/Gatchaman Movie Moment

My officemates and I were talking about GForce being turned into a movie earlier. Apparently the guys who will be doing the special effects for the film will be from Imagi, a company based across the street, most notable for their last project Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

G-Force? What the fuck. Does anybody even remember what that was all about? All I remember was that there was a hot girl in pink there and a stupid fat guy wearing an owlsuit. And yoyos . I dont know who was using them, but there were definitely yoyo's.

I hate cartoons with yoyo's.

And people with names like "Condor Joe".

Specially if Joe actually try to look like a Condor.

So what's it going to be about? If it were up to me I'd put the series up to speed and give it a sign of the modern times:

Gatchaman/G-Force/Battle of The Planets vs. their most deadly enemy yet.

Birdflu.

Something Serious For A Change

Sorry I haven't been able to write anything in days. When this blog started, I promised myself I'll keep my throughput of articles as constant as possible, but right now it's something that's very hard for me to do. A lot has happened this week. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm exhausted.

Today's the sixth straight day that I'll be going home late from work where I'm currently juggling two projects about to launch that I'm handling alone as a developer. Both projects are running behind schedule and since they're critical to the company's image, they're loaded with twice as much pressure as the internal projects that arent seen by the public. This load does not include various requests from completed projects that I support.

I seriously have not reached so near my breaking point (i.e. since the final days of my previous work when I clocked 70-80 hour workweeks on a regular basis.) I sometimes feel my hands tremble and heartbeat double, a sure sign that I'm near the point of collapsing. My logic and responsiveness are also showing signs of wearing out. It's no longer a coincidence I'm referring to people by somebody else's name. Three times in two days says so.

My work environment is bound to have great changes in the next few weeks as well. Two very important figures in my workplace are leaving and there's definitely some reshuffling that will be anything but relaxing. The anxiety of uncertainty is getting to me, leading to sleepless nights and undue stress.

Stocks have plunged while I was gone, rendering me unable to save earnings. Goodbye, XBox360. The bleak outlook in the near future says I won't be getting that XBox money anytime soon. I bought myself a drummania controller for the PC/PS2 as a consolation. Bleh.

My NaNoWriMo entry is stuck at 7,000 words. That's seven chapters out of the required fifty at the end of the month. My sets planned post-workshop lay unpolished. My other side project that's supposed to bring in money lay in hiatus as well. Nothing's getting done anymore.

Angel Locsin still hasn't answered my emails yet. I hate it when that happens. (i.e. always) If she keeps at it, I swear I'll go back to Toni without thinking twice.

I love where I am right now, doing what I do, having what I have. But sometimes it just doesn't feel good anymore. Is this what you wanted to tell me, Alex? I guess even back then you already knew more than I do now.

I know myself. I can make the best jokes when I'm under the most pressure. It actually relaxes me to write humor and other bullshit you find here. But you know the feeling during nights that your body is so tired that you can't even make yourself go to sleep? My brain feels like that right now.

But to what limit must a man push himself against, before he breaks or decides to call it quits? To what extent must he test his own, before he calls it a day with no regrets? And if ever there was a measure to what can be achieved in a lifetime, will sheer mettle hold up to its standards? A man is defined not by what he entirely does with his lifetime, but what he does to the lives of others that he touches. A man learns not by what he only remembers but by what he is able to apply with success. To die a man or to live as something less, is but a question we all must eventually answer.

Post Workshop Babble

Okay, I just got back from the standup comedy workshop. Here's stuff that I learned that I shouldn't really be forgetting soon.

- Standup comedy is not similar to written comedy.

- In written comedy, the reader dictates the pace so even if the reader is a bit slow, the joke adjusts to his rate of comprehension. Standup comedy puts the pace burden on the comic so timing is everything.

- Jokes are look short on paper are often still too long for the stage. Example:

Written: "I was able to convince my girlfriend to go to a threesome. During the action though, I realized I should at least be participating too."

Too long.

I revised it to this: "My girfriend told me how wonderful the threesome last night was. Heh, wait till I join in!"

Better.

- Being onstage is fucking scary, specially when you're facing a russo-korean, a mainland chinese girl, a chino-indian guy, a chino-american guy, and a bunch of white people from town.

- Shitting on your pants because of nervousness never helps.

- Domestic Helper jokes will always get the big "OOOOO", and yes, even if you're Filipino.

- When you go onstage, you better have a set you know by heart. Nobody enters races and assembles their cars on the spot. Doing something like that in standup comedy is tragedy.

- Spacing out because of silence is never a good thing. Doing ummms to maintain pace is shit stupid.

- Imagining a naked audience never helps, specially when you get hardons from such ideas.

- The mic stand does not conceal hardons very well.

- Or the mic for that matter. It's a sort of thing that's frowned upon in many civilized countries (except Japan, where anything weird is acceptable)

- I need to do more of standup comedy. Much more.

The more you learn, the more you realize how much more you need to learn.

I gotta work on my act.

Dead Humorists

I bet it would be really tough when comedians die. You don't really know if they're there to send condolences or if they're just making sure that the death wasnt a prank. If it's a real death, more people will be disappointed than grevious, saying "Maaan, what a chip. And I thought I was going to see a good joke." And we all know disappointing people through death is never a good thing.

As for me, I was thinking back to all the funerals I've attended and I realized one thing. I saw the people coming and going in the funerals and now I think "Shit, I can't die yet. I don't have enough friends to visit me!"I mean, who'd eat the sandwiches? It'd be worse if people would feel that they're wasting the sandwiches and then secretly pack them into my casket so nobody will ever notice that they were unconsumed. Because then I wouldn't know if I'm going to hell, heaven, or a picnic.

What would be awesome though is if we can get customized caskets. Like, for me, it would be cool if people used caskets that look like coke vending machines. If a passerby looked at a burial that uses a casket like that, they'd go "Why are they burying a perfectly good vending machine?" They'd feel real righteous about it too but later on they'd feel bad when they realize that it can really be buried because there's nothing to vend inside. There's advertisment opportunities somewhere there too, if you think really hard.

A good epitaph would be something tough-sounding like "So, you finally got dirt on me. You happy?", but I'd rather write my own epitaph when I already need it.

Slow Brain Mornings

There will come a time when saying "it must be my adenosine triphosphate levels acting up again" gets by as an acceptable excuse for forgetting to put on pants before coming to the office. It looks like today's still not part of that "time". Stupid cavemen.

Imperial Order #26

http://z7.invisionfree.com/Predator_Turned_Prey/index.php?showtopic=362

Register and then vote for KRIS(#4). As a man of arts I'd encourage you to check the competition out, but then again, you'd just be wasting time. Register and then vote, and you'll get free PS Gift Packs consisting of Personalized Seedless Butong Pakwan and Dr. Wong's soap courtesy of Dr. Wong. (To claim prizes, click "Next Blog" on the link bar above and contact the blog owner. If he says he doesnt know anything about the promo, he's lying and you have to fight for what you've won. Because life's like that. )

Boarding Borderline Retards

I'm a geek. I admit it. Stuff that I brood over are usually stuff that most people won't really care about even if it were a matter of life and death. One good example occurs during boarding time of any international flight. Boarding of airplane passengers is usually carried out in this order:

1. First-class Passengers
2. Travelers with children, elderly, disabled.
3. People from the back economy-class rows.
2. People from the middle economy-class rows.
1. People from the front economy-class row.

But now here's the real puzzle: Whenever I get assigned at the back row and I finally enter the plane, I notice that there are already people (sometimes lots of them) sitting in the front row economy class. Mind you that row numbers are checked while in line and doublechecked upon entrance.

Judging from how most of these people look, I can make the following statements:

- They do not have kids.
- They are not sitting in first class.
- They are not part of the air/ground crew.
- They are not elderly and are not accompanying any elderly people.
- The fact that they got there fast means they're far from cripple.

Because of that I can only think of a couple of theories as to how they got there:

- They've always been there. I.e., people from the previous flight who refused to leave (the same way we watch movies when we arrive with the film halfway done already)
- They entered by the cargo hold.
- They're mentally retarded.

The first two sound a bit farfetched, so long story short, my quick answer to this problem is that I'm riding with a lot of mentally-defective people. Somehow that doesn't make me comfortable in any way. Remember Goonies?

Sometimes I think I'm putting waay too much thought on these things, but then again, maybe someday all this information might come in handy. Like when a plane is dangerously overweight and running out of fuel, and we need to determine which people can be thrown off the plane first.

Maybe, anyway.

HK Leave

I'll be leaving for HK for two weeks starting today. Stop leaving hookers at my doorstep while I'm gone. As much as I appreciate gifts, I don't think my family will be able to appreciate them as much. I'll be attending one of Jami Gong's standup comedy workshops while I'm there. The sooner I can try my luck in doing real standup comedy, the faster I can remove the "aspiring" word in my profile description. (and replace it with some other word like vapid or lecherous)

Anyway, toodles.

An 80% Done Joke

A Filipino met up with an old friend who happens to be Korean. They go to Malate and eat at a Korean restaurant. "You know," the Korean said, "We Koreans are very patriotic. Watch and learn." The Korean ordered food in the crowded restaurant and said to the waiter "serve us first before the Filipinos." Lo and behold, they were served before everybody else. "Because Koreans work in this place," the Korean said, "I can do any damn thing I please."

Next they went to a Korean grocery and the korean wanted to prove his point again. The korean got two cans of beer and cut the line to the cashier"Because Koreans work in this place," the korean said, " i can do any damn thing I please. See how we're patriotic?"

The Filipino nodded his head and after a few more hours, they finally separated.The Korean then went home to his house and then surprised, he saw the gate open. He went inside and saw his bedroom open as well.

Inside he peered and saw the Filipino guy making sweet love to the Korean's wife. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" screamed the Korean A filipina maid and a filipino security guard walked into the room and said at the same time, "Boss, pitriyotik din kami!"

CamPhones + Concerts = Douchebaggery

Here's one thing I really hate about watching live band performances: ASSHOLES WHO STAND IN FRONT OF YOU AND RAISE THEIR CAMERAPHONES UP TO VIDEO THE ENTIRE THING, effectively blocking your good view of the stage.

I guess it's okay if it's something that's very rarely seen like performances of good startup bands that don't appear on music tv channels or if there's a good chance the vocalist will get shot before the performance ends. Shot with a with a gun, if you're asking, and not drugs, the latter is more than expected.

That I can understand.

But to watch the performance on a 2inchx1inch screen just so you can cover a performance that you went all the way to the venue for (and pay tickets, if you're not the cheapskate I think you are)?

FUCKTHAT.

And what do you get for it? A shitty copy of something that you can download off the net in crisp quality 1028i HDTV quality minus the loud coughing of the moron beside you who has apparently never seen a handkerchief before.

Good f'ing luck bragging to your friends that you saw that blurred pieces of shit in the center of screen you'd like to call "the vocalist" live onstage.

I wouldn't surprised if one day I'll read in the news that one of the casualties of a recent big concert will be some asshole who ruined the experience of other concertgoers by raising their hands so their camphones can get a better view than their owners.

Those camphones probably don't even like what theyre recording. If they did, they probably would've done a better job than the shitty videos you see on youtube.

Bring back the concerts where people raised lighters and potentially killed themselves in the dumbest way possible: by setting their hair on fire.

Long story short: DON'T BE A DICK. KEEP YOUR PHONE WHERE THE ONLY THING IT CAN RUIN IS YOUR POTENCY.

Some Random Travel Pictures

Okay, Sherlock. Which of the two check-in counters is more likely to mix up your baggage with someone else's and send it all the way to Cancun, Mexico?

There aren't many things I don't want to see just before taking off. One of them is malfunctioning scheduling software.


On a slab of ruined ancient Roman walling: FORNICUS ITALUS PLUMERIA (Fuck Super Mario)


Is it just me or does this Peter Pan look less like a child and more like a child molester? And why does he oddly look like Chris Hansen?


Not shown in the pics:
Vacation photos that actually tell you how nice it is to be traveling in other countries.

Sesame Street Songs

I saw this vid on youtube the other day:



I don't really mind the song. It's catchy enough to haunt my head for almost two decades. Thanks to the song I learned what "above" and "below" meant. But now that I'm a bit older, I looked at the animation and thought: "What the hell was the artist smoking?!" I'm sure kids love colorful but this is just some surrealistic shit I can only see when I'm spiked with acid. Flying alligator in a pink dress and a spinner hat in a landscape that looks like one of picasso's lesser paintings.


Just whoah.

Bowling and Kids

So a friend of mine told me yesterday, "You should try bowling with kids sometime. It's tiring but fun." Sick bastard. I used to do find that fun too. But after a while the kids stop coming back - so we now use regular bowling balls instead.


(thanks abbe)

Nothing to Nih-Pah About

I came home drunk last night and while trying to fix my PC's disconnected hard drive, I accidentally ran a magnetic screwdriver head on my hard disks - 12 times. I don't know why either so dont ask.

So now I don't have a PC to use and I'm just mooching off my sister's laptop. Now's definitely not a high point of my week.

Expect updates to be few and far in between. Oh and yeah, I'll be in Tropezz bar later to watch the Laffapalooza finals. If you guys got time, drop by and cheer for Red. Goooo La Salle!

Slogan of the day:
"Save the whales, pork your fat girlfriend."

Keyboards and Roaches

One thing about cleaning keyboards is that you never know what's going to come out of it next. I have a keyboard at home that we got with one of our earliest PCs back in '96. And until recently I never really opened it up to clean its insides. Among the many expected things that fell out was the corpse of a small cockroach. How old it was, I'm not really sure (possibly even 11 years old) My sister saw it and me lacking anything better to say, replied "Debugging."

I bet it sucked to have been trapped in something like a keyboard, even for a cockroach. It would've tried to weave through the keys as they were being depressed by the typing fingers in an indiana jones fashion. I'd probably would've hidden in the right ALT button, because nobody ever presses that. But since he's dead, he probably didn't.

Nowadays I wouldn't really surprised anymore to find anything else inside my keyboard next time I clean it. I wouldn't be surprised, for example, if I took out the right ALT button and found Bin Laden hiding in there. He'd probably be saying "Damn motherfucker, I thought you'd never check this place out!"

Nice try, Terrorist, but my keyboard will not be harboring enemies of America. (maybe dirt, some nut shells, and "kulot na makapal" bits of hair but not terrorists.

Never terrorists.

Cobra Moment: Racist Joke

Cobra Commander: Dude, dude, you wanna hear this really good impression of Roadblock?
Cobra Commander: yeah maybe that will take his mind off the shit-coloured food he's eating.

Destro: Hmm? Okay. But only because you're the commander around here.
Destro: wait a minute, why is my chicken strangely coloured?


Destro: wait a fucking minute. how does that guy eat with a bedpan in his face anyway?
Cobra Commander: Suuup daaawg?! Nigga loves his chikuuuunz. Mh-hm.

Destro: Bahahaha! Good one! You almost sound like Roadblock!
Destro: dont think ill forget you served me raw chicken you bastard.

A couple of hours later..


Roadblock: So I heard you were saying something about me and fried chicken.
Cobra Commander: O shi -

San Diego Fire Chat (dunno what else to label this post)

friend: damn our zoo is on fire WAAAAAAA
redkinoko: you're in san diego right?
redkinoko: HOLY SHIT SEAWORLD IS ON FIRE?

friend: san diego is surrounded by 11 wild fires
friend: nakaencircled kami so halos no way out
redkinoko: and mexicans
redkinoko: have you tried Tijuana? It's nice at this time of the year.

friend: actually tiamaan indian reservation
redkinoko: damn. there goes outsourcing and 7-11s.

friend2: that reminds me that Calif is already in a state of calamity because of wildfires.
redkinoko: and scientology

If I Were To Make My Own Anime...

Title: Jack En Power

Plot:
Jack discovers his inborn talent in guessing divinating the winning form in the ancient sport of Janken. As he progresses into the wonderful world of RockPaperScissors, he encounters an evil syndicate hellbent in conquering the world using Janken and nothing else.

Climactic Scene:
In this scene Jack duels with Methusah, the 13th ranker of the evil RockRules syndicate.

























Jack: This is it, the final exchange of blows!

Methusah: I the evil overlord who plans on taking over the world using the game of paper-rock-scissors will not back down!

-------------------
Methusah: ROCK!

Jack: I saw that coming! PAPER!

Methusah: FUCKING BOXING GLOVES!

Sucks To Be: (Dumbledore Fan)

J.K. Rowling made headlines the other day for announcing that one of the main characters of her book series, Albus Dumbledore is gay

You can look at this from a lot of angles but there's no seen more tragic than from that of the nameless Harry Potter fan who, through countless roleplaying sessions with his fellow PotHeads, have made it clear to his friends that "I want to become Dumbledore".

I'm sure there's a lot of that kind of fan who, if you listen well enough, can be heard, weeping silently in front of his computer. If you can read this, sorry to hear that, Mr. Dumbledore fan. Have a "Sucks To Be You" award from Public Static.

And here's a toast to you, this week's "Sucks To Be You" winner. Your case is basically like that of the fans of Chris Benoit, except instead of batshit insane killer, you happened to worship a geriatric cocksucker.

So yeah.

More On The Makati Bombing (Conspiracy roots)

*warning, the following post is somewhat serious again. if you visit this site for humor posts only, come back tomorrow*

Right after posting yesterday, I got a lot of messages about the whole tragedy, asking whether or not it was in fact a deliberate attack. As it turns out, it was. Traces of C4 were found on the spot. After that revelation the whole issue has turned into an indecipherable act. The following aspects have not yet been resolved:

1. C4 explosives are very hard to obtain. Usually, the implements used for bombings in this country are improvised explosive devices. C4 on the other hand is something used for precision demolition. The only source of these items are the military. Either some country's military let their logistics slide to the hands of wrongdoers or they did it themselves. At this point it would be pointless to speculate which is which, but it's safe to say something went wrong on the side of the military (or another country's military if it were smuggled in)

2. Choice of Ground Zero is very strange. A restaurant's delivery bay's storeroom. If you're smart enough to acquire very rare explosive material, you should also be smart enough to know how it's used properly. Semtex is capable of demolishing Glorietta 2 if applied on the right areas (load-bearing pylons for example). Semtex is very easy to smuggle in as well, and as some experts have pointed out, is very malleable to shape into any container. I know it's already speculation at this point but the delivery bay is one of the the least populated areas of a mall during daytime. The only reason I can think of for choosing this spot is to cause the most alarm with the least amount of casualties done. Now if you are a terrorist, would you really care for minimizing the number of people lost? And no, C4 is not easy to accidentally trigger. It was designed to be that way. If it exploded, it's because somebody wanted it to.

3. Nobody has claimed the deed up until now. The trend has always been that some group lays claim at most 24 hours after the bombing. Why is there nobody calling in?

I will not state any guesses regarding the objective of this bombing as I'm not exactly a fan of conspiracy theories.

(post to be continued later)

Makati LPG/Bomb Blast - My Explanation

Update: C4 traces claimed by the local forensics are found to be negative by another group from the States, making the gas explosion angle possible yet again. Those fuckers at PNP really don't know their asses from a hole in the ground (or for this case, a crater). Too late to disclaim terrorist roots. Thanks to them, the stock market's preparing for a crash a few minutes after I post this update. Bang up job, idiots. Sure that it's not a gas explosion? With cops like these I'm just wondering why we still need fortunetellers.
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Update: It looks like semtex has been found onsite, therefore this article has been disproven. Today's a sad day for Chinese restaurants and Cellphone repair shops. If you guys're reading this, be careful ya? Now back to regular programming.
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There have been speculations as to whether or not the explosion in Luk Yuen earlier today in Makati's Glorietta was caused by a bomb. I'd say it's from LPG. I've seen what propane can do and yes it's capable of massive damage.

Propane has the ability to destroy homes when it reaches it's upper limit concentration of 15% in confined space and then ignited. 15% volume of a small room is easy to fill with a single large leaking LPG tank. And while the explosive heat from a propane-fueled explosion will not be enough to melt an LPG tank. it's enough to weaken the vulnerable release tips to cause more gas to leak out.

A chain reaction would've been possible but I wouldn't be too sure of that either since the acoustic signature reported by people is just one large blast even by those nearby. Chain reactions would have had multiple explosions with seconds between.

Given that the location of the Luk Yuen's room was somewhere within the structure of Glorietta 3, the impact from that blast will have no other place to travel to but within the framework, causing maximum damage in an earthquake-like fashion.

If you check the dust accumulation sustained by the structures in the pictures, the debris came from objects that fell because of being shaken violently and not from a massive omnidirectional shockwave that C4 would have done had it been the one responsible. As for the gaping hole in the ground, earthquakes can do that too and since there's a basement under, it shouldn't take that much force to shatter the floor.

Oh and yeah, half of that I pulled out of my ass.

Laziest Gifts

Let's face it. Giving gifts can be a bitch. Since nobody ever really knows what people want, it's always a hit and miss game that nobody ever really volunteers for. I sometimes spend months planning what gift to give only to hear about the receiver bitch about how weak my gift was.

Assholes! :|

There are, however, gifts that aren't even trying - gifts that pretty much say "I like you enough to give you a gift but not enough for me to think about it." either that or "My mom gave birth to a retarded baby and it's not my siblings."

Below is my list of all-time favorite laziest gifts.

5. Flowers
Flowers can mean a lot of things. Red roses are a sign of affection. White roses, honest intent. Tulips are cherishing. Ink-dipped sampaguitas are homicidal. Usually though, they're just excuses for not being able to think of anything better.

Why do women like flowers anyway? As comedian Ellen DeGeneres once said "I like kids too but I dont cut off their heads and place them on vases filled with water" That's probably the only sensible thing she ever said on her shitty talkshow. Seriously, who would want anything that's obviously bound to die a few days later?

Good alternative to be creative:
A dying puppy. "Happy Birthday Jill. Instead of dying flowers, I send you another dying living thing. Make him happy please - he has aids."

4. Gift Cheques
Everytime I try looking for a suitable gift, I get frustrated enough to just say "Why don't I give that broad some money and have her buy whatever she wants?" In jest of course. Gift Cheques are what happens when you take that question seriously. An icon of giftgiving laziness, GC's free you from the burden of having to choose anything and place it on whoever your giving it to, ensuring you are able to continue the same level of laziness without the guilt of not giving a damn.

Good alternative to be creative:
If a kid asks for a treehouse for his birthday, give him hammer, lumber, and some nails. "Dear Junior, I couldn't decide what kind of house you want so let's go with a do-it-yourself way. Go nuts buddy."

3. Gift Cards
Even worse than gift cheques are gift cards. They're basically at the same level of laziness, added with stinginess. I can't remember the last time I received a gift card and actually felt delighted I received it. The witty lines written on the things weren't even from the sender. Now you don't have to think of the gift AND the dedication. Amazing how much technology has made our lives easier huh? Easier to sound like a jerk that is, without even trying.

Good alternative to be creative:
Hire some stranger to give the celebrant a hug and a greeting. "Dear Anna, I would have given a giftcard containing stuff written by other people but I like something more personal so I sent you a greeter instead. p.s. Enjoy his French."

2. Blue Magic Gift Shop Items
We have this saying that goes "Don't panic, there's Blue Magic!" For more than 20 years now Blue Magic has served as the saving grace for uninventive idiots who can't think of something as simple as a proper gift. Giving Blue Magic items to experienced receivers pretty much says "I was going to give you something better but I had last minute problems so I stopped by Blue Magic and picked up this insanely huge stuffed toy to compensate." The only good thing about Blue Magic is that they're generic enough to be reused. A single smiley stuffed toy can be rotated in a circle of friends without the original giver ever noticing it. (but then again friends who give friends Blue Magic stuff makes the definition of "friends" somewhat ambiguous.

Good alternative to be creative:
GiftGate? Nah. It's time we picked another shop to become the default shop, like maybe a drug store. Over-the-counters are always useful, if not to the receiver, to his or her loved ones. "Have some Viagra.You may not be able to use it as a girl, but think of your husband 30 years from now. Best Wishes."

1. Coffee mugs.
Well, well, well, it's almost Christmas time. I don't think anything can scream out "LAZY" louder than coffee mugs. They're so freely distributed in our society we might as well make them currency. And for so long as we're celebrating Christmas, this currency will outlive any government-based currencies around. Many years into the future people will not have wallets with them. The future will be bought and sold in portable cupboards. Make sure you live long enough to see this so I can gloat about my prediction.

I actually have written a separate article just for coffee mugs.

Good alternative to be creative:
There is no alternative. Just thinking of giving a mug for a gift should be punishable by law already. If it weren't so unrequested, mug-giving might've been considered a human rights violation. We have a right. A right to get decent gift that's not in the form of a coffee holding piece of porcelain (or plastic, if the guy's stingy) There's a reason why they call mugging mugging. Mugs suck.

(p.s. If you recieved any of those from me, I wasn't being lazy. There's probably some special reason why I gave that gift. If you can't figure it out, think some more. There has to be a reason. There has to.)

Random One-Liners

A departed man will often be remembered for two things:
what he leaves behind. and what he takes with him to the grave.
But what I really think will make people remember,
is if the departed man leaves his grave behind.

Sabi ni lolo, "pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay." Akala ko dati walang kwenta ang kanyang payo. Huli na ng malaman ko na iba pala ang ibig sabihin kung may alaga ang lolo mo na higanteng bibe na mahilig sa tinapay.

A real christian will turn the other cheek. A ninja christian will turn the cheek of the other guy just fast enough to snap his neck.

Daily Prayer: Lord, grant me the strength to restrain myself, or the perseverance to drag the body all the way to the swamp.

It's sometimes humbling to see a brave man who's seen a lot of hardships be reduced to tears by something as simple as a direct application of teargas.

Alexan The Brave

Alexan the brave stood on top of the hill with me, dust-worn eyes raging with the fires of battle. His sword was unsheathed, gleaming as the rising sun kissed it with the bright iren fire of the gods. I stood along with him and felt the rumble of the earth - sweet prelude to the battle. I clasped my warhammer hard and felt its weight. I was itching for the fighting. Alexan knew that much as well. He turned to me and asked, "What are our odds, General Baltrin?"

"Ten men against ten thousand," I replied. He grinned and tightened his chest plate. He pounded its bronze surface with his gauntlet and guffawed. "I like the odds," he said to me, "What do you think?"

I smiled. "I'd say those enemies over there are the ten craziest motherfuckers I've ever seen."

Quick Review of Upcoming Movies I Haven't Watched

I've Fallen For You

Touted (read: plugged shamelessly) by its producers as a love story with lots of Filipino values, here we see a Chinese girl and an American expat who can barely speak Tagalog without choking himself to death display the state of Pinoy culture (read:dying to nonexistent)

Ah well, it's still Kim Chiu anyway, whose fans are mostly composed of 40 year old married men and 20-something virgins so it'll still sell. I sometimes wonder why screenwriters even bother thinking of plot for these things. We can have the two standing there, not acting at all and they'd still rake money in. Oh wait...





The 11th Hour

Leo Di Caprio. Acting. Garbage. Nothing we haven't seen bundled together before so we might as well make this quick. 11th Hour can be referred to the sequel to "The Inconvenient Truth", and is just technically along the lines of hollywood sequels that you're not even sure why they're around (e.g. Resident Evil Extinction, Dr. Doolittle 3)

I'm still pretty clueless as to what makes producers think that something boring on Discovery Channel would become exciting when you project it into a large screen.



Kung Fu Fighter

Now I'm not really expert in marketing but I think we can say for sure, the title has quite an impact on a movie's overall initial impact on the audience. That said, the only initial impact this movie makes from its title is the sound of turd hitting the toilet water. I thought we were over and done with shitty oversimplified titles after we got tired of the Nintendo Family Computer. Can you imagine Matrix retitled as "Shooting Guns Slow" or something as epic as Rambo as "Blow Shit Up"?

Just no.


Highlander V: The Source

Just when I thought Hollywood was already finished raping the corpse of the first Highlander, they chuck this fifth installment at us without even giving a thought that this movie would have only been cool if it were shown TEN YEARS EARLIER.

Featuring a cast of nobodies and bad CGI's, The Source comes with fully loaded cheesy taglines like "GOOD VS. EVIL" and "THE ULTIMATE STRUGGLE" which makes you want to watch more - more other movies.

Picture of the Day

Quote for the day:

You cannot change what people think of you but it will always be up to you to decide whether they're wrong or right.

Success, Friends, Wisdom (or not)

Winners never quit. Losers never win, because then they'd be winners.

A loser will always have an excuse at hand. A winner will always have a hack at hand.

Napoleon said the greatest danger lies at the moment of victory. How true, those popping wine corks just get more and more deadly everytime.

If success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, why don't I see more successful people in sweatshops?

I once cried because I had no shoes. Then I saw a man with no shirt. "Nice day at the beach huh?" he said. It's so easy to forget sometimes.

True courage is knowing what danger lies ahead and still going for what you have set out to do. Knowing that, I sometimes feel stopping at a red light makes me gay.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear - something like cowering, retreating, and crawling while crying like a baby to find a safer location before starting to fear again.

Love doesn't make the world go round, but it'd be interesting if humans would all start humping in the same fluid motion.

The Finer Points: Resident Evil 3 - Extinction

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

I actually thought I was already done with this Resident Evil shit. I enjoyed part one. Any movie with Michelle Rodriguez holding a gun is scary (see SWAT) so because of that and the rocking OST, part one passed. Then came Resident Evil Part Two. Oh ho, part two was a disaster that turned the franchise into less of a zombie flick and more of a Mortal Kombat sequel (the Nemesis-Alice rivalry subplot was dogshit stupid) More zombies were seen in Shake Rattle and Roll IV than Resident Evil Apocalypse.

After watching that movie I thought, wow they screwed that one up. Game over, I guess.

I guessed wrong.

Now we have Extinction, a homage to the realization if you place the set in a patch of desert near Tijuana, you can actually save a lot of money in production costs and actually revive a dead franchise like a zombie. If you haven't seen the movie yet, prepare to see sand. Lots of it. (you'd half expect Aladdin to come flying across)

One noticeable thing here is that apparently the production crew had learned from their previous mistake in making Apocalypse. Now they've chosen to let go completely of character development and cohesive plot and just start patching one awesome scene after another. The result? A movie that will make you go "AWESOME!" and "WHAT." alternatingly throughout the film and then start wondering as the credits roll "Where's the ending?"

Yes, much like the strangely acclaimed Pirates of the Carribean 2, this shit has the last 10 minutes missing again. After the heroes split up into two groups, the other group just disappears, inducing a "what the fuck" to anybody who actually tries to make sense of the madness.

Now without further ado, here are some of the notes that I was able to make while watching the movie.

- At some point, Alice shows a tracking device that could pinpoint the whereabouts of the Umbrella Satellite. It's high tech as fuck but oh I don't know, despite that, it just couldn't tell the time and she had to ask Crocodile Dundee the time. Nice.

- I'm not sure why but after the movie I wanted to drink Pepsi and buy a new Sony Viao laptop and go to the states to visit a K-Mart. Oh wait, I know. BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Let's just say if a character ends up being named after a product a movie is advertising, like say a girl name KMART, it's a good sign that plugging may have gone TOO FAR.

- The schoolbus plow with metal screens on it was obviously from Romero's "of the Dead" movies. Whether on not this is homage or just ripping shit off, I'm not sure. And is it just me or is the bus driver a lot like Auto the bus driver from The Simpsons?

- Token black guy got killed as expected. Like Jazz from the Transformers. And that dude from Doom. And that guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer. Aliens 4? Anyway at least they're following that standard.

- During the scene leading to the final showdown, Alice goes down to the HIVE complex for the first time and sees lots of dead bodies, blood on the walls etc. Red Queen's sister (the computer) tells her the Nemesis dude is locked downstairs. Alice in theory is the first person to walk on that floor. Question is, who killed those scientists? If the Nemesis was able to go there and kill the scientists, why did he have to go back down to get locked?

- During the final showdown, Nemesis makes several barely noticeable passes at her, like a cat of sorts, scaring the audience and shit and makes Alice edgy. Now realize that if you're a two ton abomination, running around unnoticed in a pretty large room is hard - not to mention unnecessary. You're a two ton monster, not a goddamn ninja. ACT LIKE ONE.

- Apparently the T-Virus antidote makes you shit stupid. Just before Nemesis died, he acted like he's never seen the laser-cuts-you-to-shit room, even if he's been watching experiments run through it at least 87 times (see specimen count).

- Ali Larter is fucking hot, be it in Heroes or in this movie. It's obvious that the reason she didn't die is not because she's fucking leet like Alice. It's because the zombies want to hump her, not eat her.

- The superhuman powers of Alice kinda takes away the thrill of wondering if she can actually be killed (kinda answers the question what if Superman were in a zombie movie).


- Why is Eminem head of the Umbrella Corp?

Anyway with all those said, I still think this movie is worth the watch, if only because the wanton killing of zombie fodder is always something to enjoy.

This movie is actually somewhat a preview of what next year's Devil May Cry movie will be like - filled with awesome scenes, devoid of plot, and has kick ass soundtracks by the man, Marilyn Manson.

And yes, there will be Resident Evil 4. Will I watch again? Ali Larter pretty much answers that question. :)

Random Stuff You'd Rather Not Hear (pt. 1)

Location: Inflight a budget airline.

10. "Are you sure we should have turned left 30 minutes ago?"

9. "Does anybody have Indonesian currency so we can pay for the parking fees at the airport?"

8. "What do you mean they're cutting back on the fuel supply again?!"

7. "I became a pilot here because nobody else would accept my application in other airliners."

6. "Pfft. The glue included in model plane kits nowadays are so substandard. Can you hand me a spare so we can reattach our wing?"

5. "We'll be cruising at 30,000 feet in a few minutes, but since we're on budget, we would like you to help conserve the limited oxygen we've brought with us by holding your breath for as long as you can."

4. "Kindly empty your vomit bags after use and neatly fold it back into the front pocket of your seat. Thank you for your cooperation."

3. "Barya lang po sa umaga."

2. "This plane has a bit of a history, first flying with on Pearl Harbor during the outbreak of WW2..."

1. "Welcome to Sarimanok Airline."

Today's One-Liners

Last night I brought my girlfriend to her parents house. As I was about to leave, her mother told me "Stay safe on the road." "Don't worry," I replied, "I always wear condoms when having sex with hitchhikers." She was frowning as I left. Pfft. Some people just don't appreciate contraception.

While I'm not exactly sure what Australians meant about living "down under", I'd like to think they're in a position where they can take enough candid upskirt shots to earn a living.

Back then we thought that a million monkeys banging away at typewriters nonstop would eventually reproduce Shakespeare's works. Nowadays, it's common fact that they can only go so far as making very long Wikipedia entries about the plays.

I will not claim to be a staunch scholar of the Gospels, but a quick look at today's front page raises some very good points why dining with goverment officials and tax collectors isnt such a bad idea afterall.

I never let any sort of rejection bother me. I mean, why did they assume I'd accept?

When you need a friend,
that you can depend.
You can count on me
coz your my best crystal meth customer

Whenever you're in trouble, think of the banana fruit. While it won't solve your problems, hey, a banana.

I still don't have enough time to make full-blown articles so you just have to settle with these one-liners I can think of at the moment. Oh and yeah, just a short request, I don't really mind people messaging me on YM. Just don't act like a dick by nuking my account the moment you find out I'm not as I appear to be in this blog. Next person to do that will have his dog run over by a runabout golfcart.

No Bacon

Life's Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands back your ass on a silver platter, I think lemonade might be a better choice.

I once was able to convince my girlfriend into joining a threesome. I guess it was my mistake that I never told her I should be one of the other participants.

When one of my cousins had her first case of menstruation, her younger sister freaked at the sight of blood in my cousin's bed. Instead of disgust, her face was that of horror, so I just had to ask why. She told me "Somebody tried to murder my sister in her sleep!"

Sometimes it's a mistake to think that you're over a person when you're not. Last night I was driving my car and thought just that. After that I said to myself, "I knew I should have set the stunt ramp higher."

Office Bit

Your level of importance at work can be expressed by the number of people willing to pay good money to see you get devoured by a gang of rabid monkeys after you've disappeared without a proper reason for a week or two.

Converse-wise, the level of apathy people have for you at the office can be gauged by how many people actually never notice you were gone during those days.

5 People You Meet in Lan Kwai Fong

Lan Kwai Fong is a nightspot in Hong Kong. Everytime I go to Hong Kong I always end up visiting LKF at least once for one reason or another. And it's a terrific spot, with Hong Kong being a melting pot for lots of cultures, there's always at least one more interesting person you'll come across. Without further ado, here's my take on the matter.

1. The American Tourist Guy
Dignified. That's one word that you won't find anywhere near this man's description. "Rad" clothing combinations range from buttoned up long sleeves and sandals to plain khaki shorts and undershirts that make him look like a victim of apparel robbery (not that anybody would want his clothes) He's often found smoking a Cuban cigar which, might I say, FUCKING STINKS. These types are often found trying to dance up any Asian that they lay eyes on. Note that I'm using "dance" very loosely here, because ATG's dancing is no more like actual dancing than ballet like a slow version of having an epileptic seizure.

2. Chinese Business Man
Chinese Business Man is perhaps the most intense competition of American Tourist Guy for the coveted award of "Most Out-of-place Douchebag" inside the establishment. Often seen wearing a full suit - coat, tie, and corporate smug, one has to wonder what this guy is even doing in a music club instead of a boardroom. CMB is less conspicuous than the American tourist guy and often stays in the VIP lounge or the sidelines, whichever is less filled with people. Don't let his demure fool you though. He may look like an idiot just standing there bobbing his head up and down to the music like a meerkat, but a couple of drinks later, he will be heading off to the dance floor where he turns into an idiot who actually dances (or tries to, anyway).

3. Indian Raver
This guy's actually better dressed to fit inside the bar, often looking better groomed than other male stereotype counterparts - you'd actually be asking yourself why the girls aren't flocking towards his direction, shoes flying and all that shit. He dances also quite well so he's not such a bad guy - until he sweats. I guess you just can't put a good price on deodorant nowadays. And then there's this thing about Mundian to Bach Ke being played (a song that seems anthemic around Lan Kwai Fong). Once that plays, Indian Raver turns into an idiot, with a shit-eating grin appearing in his face, dancing with his hands thrown in the air in a scary shamanistic-we-dont-eat-cows manner. Yes, Indian Raver, we know the song came from your country - you don't have to fucking act like you suddenly own the goddamn bar. And no, we don't appreciate you raising your arms like that. Rexona, motherfucker. Rexona.

reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efWOPiT20Bk

4. Wild White Soccer Mom
You know I really miss inside these bars? Captain Ahab. If he were around, we'd have less white whales splish-splashing around. I just hope there's enough harpoons. Wild White Soccer Mom is your typical mother of three who's gained one kilogram too much weight after marriage - and for some reason acquired mad cow disease. Operative word here is "mad". Often found in large groups (as you would see whales) they move around the dancefloor to impart to other dancers what the iceberg felt after the Titanic "scraped" it (clue: unpleasant crushing forces). After a couple of bottles of beer, WWSM forgets the level of decorum associated with motherhood and begins to show moves that would make even bouncers cringe. This type often gives out mating calls (i.e. "I'm wasted! I'm wasted!") Of course, as with any well-thinking society, these calls will go unanswered... hopefully.

5. The South-East Asian Hooker
Finally we have somebody who dances well, dresses appropriately (from the point of view of guys anyway), is friendly, and is always game for something more than just dancing. Also, she accepts all major credit cards. Single-handedly responsible for ruining the experience for almost all Asian women who want to have a good time by in Lang Kwai Fong by strengthening the stereotype that all South-East Asian women are willing to give it all for chump cash, SEAH enchants, mesmerizes, plays to fantasies, and gives exact change with minimal service charge.

Only American Tourist Guy seems to be happy about it.

Sunshine

Sometimes appreciation of the beauty of life can come from the most ephemeral of things - fleeting seconds of beauty, God's way of saying we live in a wonderful world.

Back in our home town, everyday I would watch naked sunshine appear from the small Capiz window, warmth brushing the translucent curtains.

And even for a brief moment I always found the scene different and just as interesting everytime, specially when I hear "Sunshine, namboboso nanaman yung kapitbahay!"

Godzilla

Right after Japan became the only country to ever see nuclear arms from the wrong end of the smoking barrel and just before they discovered that cartoons with large eyes and breasts would tends to work rather well with the crowd, they made films about giant monsters - the product of the combination of the horrors of nuclear warfare and the wonders of Japanese anime. Godzilla had large eyes like an anime character and radioactive breath as expected of a product of nuclear holocaust. He relied on wacky antics (e.g. destroying cities) like anime, at the same time had green skin like an a-bomb victim from Hiroshima.

In a typical monster movie, everything is easily destroyable by the monster whose name is in the film - everything, including logic and plot. I mean why do the town mayors call for plastic tanks? After 200 Godzilla movies they'd at least have learned that those tanks are no more than waste of taxpayer money that could be better spent on dental plans.

And then there's the issue of big ugly monsters falling in love with cute women. What the hell is up with that? You're a 1,000 ton radioactive death beast - and you fall in love with something that's not even the size of your snot?! If I were Godzilla the only thing I'd love is the sound of tanks crunching and buildings getting vaporized. If I can squash tanks with my feet right now, I don't think I'd have time to get loveydovey with any fleshy distractions.

Everybody in this genre does it. Big monsters falling in love with human girls. Godzilla. Gamera. King Kong. Dodot Jaworski. Maaan I fucking hate Dodot Jaworski, even until now. Because unlike all the rest of those monsters, he actually ended up marrying a then-hot chick - Mikee Cojuanco.

Mikee is pretty, talented, rich, and smart. Dodot is tall. What the fuck?

Wait, what was I talking about again? Dodot sucks.

God I hate it when I get derailed from the topic.

Bike Bombs

Two days ago, I read news about a "bike bomb" that had exploded in a public place in Iraq, killing people and injuring many more. Ah okay, a bike bomb. WAIT. WHAT?

First of all, damn. We already know for a fact that there are more carbombs in Iraq than cars. As a little experiment, count the number of passing cars that you see in newsclips shown on CNN everyday then count the number of carbomb explosions that you hear about that same day. See what I mean? You'd think after a while they'd just run out of cars to explode - and after hearing this news, I think they probably already did.

Now they're resorting to using bike bombs. At first I thought, wait, that's bike as in "motorcycle bike" right? Wrong. Not motorcycles, bicycles. I've heard of stupid terrorist ideas but this has got to take the cake (or gwalalalah or whatever they call cakes in the mideast).

It's a bike. Do you know how easy it is to find a bike suspicious? How much explosive can you strap into a mountain bike before people start thinking something's not right? I'm no expert in engineering but there's only so much you can carry on a bike. Shit, I can't even store a basket full of vegetables on mine without spilling them along the road halfway home. If you attach bombs to a bike, people WILL see it. Your failing attempt to balance on a piece of metallic shit strapped with pounds of explosive should be quite the sight as well (translation: pretty fucking stupid) so you really can't miss this sort of thing.

Many years into the future I will not be too surprised when they start running out of bikes and start using camels instead. By then I'd think of opening a shop there and start selling inline skates. Why?

Because inline skates are cool, that's all.