Laziest Gifts

Let's face it. Giving gifts can be a bitch. Since nobody ever really knows what people want, it's always a hit and miss game that nobody ever really volunteers for. I sometimes spend months planning what gift to give only to hear about the receiver bitch about how weak my gift was.

Assholes! :|

There are, however, gifts that aren't even trying - gifts that pretty much say "I like you enough to give you a gift but not enough for me to think about it." either that or "My mom gave birth to a retarded baby and it's not my siblings."

Below is my list of all-time favorite laziest gifts.

5. Flowers
Flowers can mean a lot of things. Red roses are a sign of affection. White roses, honest intent. Tulips are cherishing. Ink-dipped sampaguitas are homicidal. Usually though, they're just excuses for not being able to think of anything better.

Why do women like flowers anyway? As comedian Ellen DeGeneres once said "I like kids too but I dont cut off their heads and place them on vases filled with water" That's probably the only sensible thing she ever said on her shitty talkshow. Seriously, who would want anything that's obviously bound to die a few days later?

Good alternative to be creative:
A dying puppy. "Happy Birthday Jill. Instead of dying flowers, I send you another dying living thing. Make him happy please - he has aids."

4. Gift Cheques
Everytime I try looking for a suitable gift, I get frustrated enough to just say "Why don't I give that broad some money and have her buy whatever she wants?" In jest of course. Gift Cheques are what happens when you take that question seriously. An icon of giftgiving laziness, GC's free you from the burden of having to choose anything and place it on whoever your giving it to, ensuring you are able to continue the same level of laziness without the guilt of not giving a damn.

Good alternative to be creative:
If a kid asks for a treehouse for his birthday, give him hammer, lumber, and some nails. "Dear Junior, I couldn't decide what kind of house you want so let's go with a do-it-yourself way. Go nuts buddy."

3. Gift Cards
Even worse than gift cheques are gift cards. They're basically at the same level of laziness, added with stinginess. I can't remember the last time I received a gift card and actually felt delighted I received it. The witty lines written on the things weren't even from the sender. Now you don't have to think of the gift AND the dedication. Amazing how much technology has made our lives easier huh? Easier to sound like a jerk that is, without even trying.

Good alternative to be creative:
Hire some stranger to give the celebrant a hug and a greeting. "Dear Anna, I would have given a giftcard containing stuff written by other people but I like something more personal so I sent you a greeter instead. p.s. Enjoy his French."

2. Blue Magic Gift Shop Items
We have this saying that goes "Don't panic, there's Blue Magic!" For more than 20 years now Blue Magic has served as the saving grace for uninventive idiots who can't think of something as simple as a proper gift. Giving Blue Magic items to experienced receivers pretty much says "I was going to give you something better but I had last minute problems so I stopped by Blue Magic and picked up this insanely huge stuffed toy to compensate." The only good thing about Blue Magic is that they're generic enough to be reused. A single smiley stuffed toy can be rotated in a circle of friends without the original giver ever noticing it. (but then again friends who give friends Blue Magic stuff makes the definition of "friends" somewhat ambiguous.

Good alternative to be creative:
GiftGate? Nah. It's time we picked another shop to become the default shop, like maybe a drug store. Over-the-counters are always useful, if not to the receiver, to his or her loved ones. "Have some Viagra.You may not be able to use it as a girl, but think of your husband 30 years from now. Best Wishes."

1. Coffee mugs.
Well, well, well, it's almost Christmas time. I don't think anything can scream out "LAZY" louder than coffee mugs. They're so freely distributed in our society we might as well make them currency. And for so long as we're celebrating Christmas, this currency will outlive any government-based currencies around. Many years into the future people will not have wallets with them. The future will be bought and sold in portable cupboards. Make sure you live long enough to see this so I can gloat about my prediction.

I actually have written a separate article just for coffee mugs.

Good alternative to be creative:
There is no alternative. Just thinking of giving a mug for a gift should be punishable by law already. If it weren't so unrequested, mug-giving might've been considered a human rights violation. We have a right. A right to get decent gift that's not in the form of a coffee holding piece of porcelain (or plastic, if the guy's stingy) There's a reason why they call mugging mugging. Mugs suck.

(p.s. If you recieved any of those from me, I wasn't being lazy. There's probably some special reason why I gave that gift. If you can't figure it out, think some more. There has to be a reason. There has to.)