Random Captions

Okay, so here's how it works. I got a random picture off the net and asked myself and several people to write dialogue that would make the picture uhh... LOL-worthy. Here's a list of what I was able to gather this morning:

Angel: "I guess they didn't mention about the thorns in the book of Genesis huh?"

Angel: "So you saw redkinoko naked, why are you OVERREACTING?"

Angel: "Didn't I warn you not to watch Equilibrium?"
Girl: "So that's what hell is like!"

Angel: "Just kidding. It's a gun, just my finger. Gotcha."

Angel: "OMFG! YOU REALLY WATCHED SPICEWORLD?" (by Phil)

Angel: "You know, it wouldn't be as painful if you wore Adidas(tm)." (by Kat)

Girl: "Pagkabilang ng tatlo nakatago na kayo. Isa... dalawa... " (by Kat)

Angel: "Wanna hear a spoiler? Harry Potter dies." (by Marco)

Angel: "Johnny Walker: Keep Walking." (by Marco)

Angel: "I'm here to help you-"
Girl: "Oh God, the happy! The happy! It BURNS!" (by Addy)

Angel: "Hey baby, miss me?"
Girl: "When will you get that it was just a ONE-NIGHT STAND?" (by Addy)

Angel: "What troubles you?"
Girl: "I'm pregnant with your child."
Angel: "You do realize I have no genitals?"
Girl: "Why do you think I'm so freaked out?" (by Addy)

Angel: "Global warming will get you! (lol)"

Angel: "That oughta cure you. It worked on Tobit's dad..."

Angel: "That's okay, maybe Bumblebee will turn into a Volkswagen in the sequel..."

And of course my personal favorite (NSFW):

"Bukkake bullseye, LOL."

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Thanks to everybody who contributed (well, more like got extorted for answers but thanks anyway). If you got better ideas, post them in the comments. I'm sure we'd all want to hear about it. More random picture/comments next Friday (if I remember ever writing this).

Weird Stuff

Now I don't know how much has to happen before I can say my day is weird but I think it's pretty say to say that when a guy in a motorcycle wearing face makeup, baggy clothes, a full wig, and clownshoes (i.e. in a full clownsuit!) overtakes you in traffic, that already constitutes as a clear crossing of the proverbial "weird day" line. How the hell does he even go about riding in a motorbike with shoes that big? They're like extra sidemirrors attached his feet or something.

One theory I have as to why he dressed up before riding the bike to wherever he's going and not just put on his costume when he gets there is that he's doing it to exempt himself from the law. See, he wasn't wearing a helmet. Riding without a helmet is a punishable thing in this country (and in many other countries where road accidents that cause brains to be scattered on the pavement are frowned upon)

Let's say a policeman gets over the initial shock of seeing Boyoyong speeding along without a helmet. He pulls him over. He can then ask why the clown isn't wearing any helmet. At this point Boyoyong can give the following reason:

I get shot out of cannonballs, rammed by bulls (if he happens to be spanish), smashed with steel chairs (if he happens to be named Doink), get more pies in the face than any other professional and you're asking why I'm not wearing a helmet?!

The cop can either buy the joke or give him a ticket. If he does think of giving him a ticket, he'll be forced to report back to the precinct about it. Giving a clown a ticket - for riding a bike without a helmet. He'll probably be the laughing stock of the yard after that. Chances are, he'll decline and just hit the clown in the nads for spite.

Eitherway, the clown goes free.

I'm not sure if that's the most brilliant or the most insane thing I've ever seen on the road. One thing I can safely say though, sans the attributed danger of doing that sort of thing, FUCKING AWESOME.

April O'Neil is hot.

Foreword (skip this if you like skipping stuff that begins with "fore")

I grew up in the late 80s and early 90s, a time when cableTV is still nonexistent in our hood, internet porn was yet to become available to the common man, and we only had about 7 channels to choose from (two of them were owned by the government and were therefore filled with nothing but shit). On these few channels, they were able to air some cartoons and those programs were practically the only things I watched on TV.

It is only natural kids growing up in the same setup as me, find certain characters from these shows more appealing than others. Because of this, there will be a series of Public Static articles featuring characters from Saturday Morning-type shows (type, because most of these cartoons were aired in our country at times other than saturday mornings but Americans call them that anyway so we'll use the more general term). In this first article, I'd like to focus on April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
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A lot of things we learned as kids we learned from the TV. This includes distinguishing good vs evil (good people emit blue lasers when firing guns, bad people emit red), basic life facts (living in trashcans make you grouchy and covered with green crap) etc. Of course, it is also through the TV we start finding out what we guys wanted in life (read: chicks).



Case in point: April O'Neil. That's right, the yellow-jumpsuit wearing reporter from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'll tell you now what I thought of her with my prepubescent mind from more than 15 years ago: HOT.

Okay, so maybe the jumpsuit's a bit out of place for a reporter's outfit. I mean, when was the last time you saw a reporter in a jumpsuit, and a yellow one at that? Probably never. But that's just cool anyway because as a kid, that just made her extra "rad" (since we're talking about the early 90s here, I might as well use words that only existed at aroudn that time period).

Here's my short analysis why April O'Neil is awesome than most girls we know even today:

- She likes pizza. Okay, so maybe it's the turtles that like the pizza, but she hangs around them a lot and she never asks for anything else. You don't hear her yammering about calories and toxins and other minor stuff like carcinogens. She just eats. End of story.

- April doesn't mind hanging out in a sewer. Let's face it, cleaning is a bitch - megabitch if you're a guy. And if April can stomach hanging out in an underground lair by a river literally flowing with garbage and shit, she'll find a typical guy's room more than comfortable.

- April doesn't mind you walking around naked (or wearing a pink Kimono, whichever you think is worse). I don't know if that's a good benchmark of being a liberal girlfriend but I assure you it's one feature I'd appreciate for those particularly hot summer days...

- April O'Neil finds green-skinned bald guys with no jobs, schooling, or even a nose attractive. If that's not a standard you can pass with flying colors, you seriously need some reevaluation as to what you've become (exception is if you're a large talking brain sitting in the stomach of a white guy)

- April O'Neil can make walking around in a yellow Jumpsuit hot. Ask any of your girlfriends to wear that bananasuit and they'd probably fail at it. To sum it up: April is hot and anything she wears, she makes it hot (like, nothing)

She's hot because there's nobody out there like her. Or maybe there is, but like good parking space, she's probably taken (by a mutant turtle, assumingly) and you'd be forced to take one leagues away from her or one for the disabled.

If ever you see a hot reporter hanging out in the sewers with a bunch of deformed morons, you're probably be in heaven.

To borrow Robotman's words, Cowabunga. Cowabunga that girl in my secret lair all night long.

My Definition of A Good Day

Today is a good day. Let us speak of nothing ill or bitter.

My Definition of A Bad Day

Serious mode again.

For those of you who've been around long enough you might remember a little article about having my phone stolen. One year since that event, it almost happened again. I'm writing th is article because I know I'm bound to forget this night very soon, just like the other time, and the only way I can remember is by writing it down here. Maybe you can learn a thing or two as well if you read.

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The attempted mugging happened around 845pm. I boarded a Baclaran-bound jeepney at the corner of Pedro Gil and Taft Avenue. I always went home with my officemate Billy and tonight was no exception. Upon boarding, I sat at the left side of the Jeep with Billy to my right and we casually talked. After a few minutes, another guy boarded and sat beside me. Effectively I already had somebody to my left and my right.

After the jeepney stopped at the next corner (I can't remember the name of the street), around 6 guys started boarding. One of the guys wearing cargo pants ran to my side and pushed the guy to my left. It's important to note that I noticed that they boarded in almost military-like fashion, they knew to well where to sit. Normally when you ride a jeep you start measuring where there's still space, these guys didn't even so much as stop to look.

I began to notice that the man in front of me was eyeing me once too often. The guy to my left side on the other hand was already raising serious red flags by squeezing himself between me and the guy to his right (there was a spot on the right side of the jeepney). At this point I remember the last pickpocketing that happened to me. I remembered the feeling - he was invading my private space a few inches too much for comfort. What I did next was instinctive. I placed my left hand beside me and the guy in the cargo shorts. I started wishing I was just paranoid.

Then he noticed my hand. I noticed he looked at it and he looked at me. I turned away. He took his cellphone out of the cargopockets. Nobody places cellphones in the cargo pockets of shorts - walking around will slam with with your knees. My suspicions deepen. He unlocked the nokia and then locked it again, then he put it back on the pocket. I felt his hand brush against my protective hand when he got the phone and when he returned it. Instinct told me the moment my hand retracted, I'll lose my phone.

The guy shoved his body nearer and told me "alisin mo yang kamay mo, nakakasikip." The guy in front of me looked a bit too edgy. I retracted it a bit and placed my hand in my pocket. it no longer protruded but it effectively blocked his way of slashing or pickpocketing without me noticing.

Then, he took out coins in his pocket. I've seen this modus operandi already, not to mention my other officemate, owner of Macuha.com has already experienced it before. I almost predicted what was to happen next.

One of the coins fell, not surprisingly enough, under my legs. The seat had plywood perpendicular to the floor so it was impossible for the coin to go under my seat, nonetheless it was under my feet. The guy commanded me to retrieve the coin. I said "Asan?"

"Sa ilalim mo!" he said, very interested in how I'd react. Too interested. I didnt take my hand off from my left pocket but bent down. I knew if I got that coin with my left, my pocket would expand enough for a snatch but my right was too out of the way to be used. I said I couldnt see it. At this point even the man in front of me was persistent that I get the coin. My friend Billy shoved the coin out of the blind position so I was able to get it with my right hand.

Strangely enough, the guy to my left still persisted that I get the coin even after I already got it. Force of habit perhaps? I showed the coin to him using my right hand "Eto na nga o!"

At that point he knew I knew what he was up to and he was pissed. "Tangina ang gulo mo, sapakin kita eh!" he said. I waited for his next move. At this point he was almost kicking me out of the seat.

Then, Billy stepped in "Tara na baba na tayo," he said. I couldn't agree more. Hell, even the guy to my left was agreeing "Onga bumaba na kayo!" He knew with us around he'd risk compromising his gig - but there were six of them, so we just got off at the next stop.

The jeep stayed for a while after we got off. I'm more than sure the driver is aware of what was happening and was waiting for the six to get off, but they didn't so he had no choice to move on. After seeing the jeep move on, I inspected my belongings - all intact.

HOLY SHIT, I told myself. I just saved myself 15k and two months of rebuilding my contacts.

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I'm not saying I handled things very well but this could happen to anybody. I'm writing this so I can remember and you can get a clue. Be alert. Be paranoid.

Welcome to the Philippines, the only Christian Country in Asia.
Beware of pickpockets.

Game of The Week: Pokemon Pearl

alternative title: A game with a really ridiculous premise that's eating my time.

I remember the very first time I played Pokemon. It was 1998. Erap was in Malacañang. I was in highschool. I think the real reason why I got around to playing this game was that at some point in my life as a student, I was so bored out of my wits I'd try anything that didn't end me up dead or in jail. I got an emulator from the internet, the accompanying roms, and used my 0.1GHZ computer to load up "Pokemon Red".

Basic premise of the story of Pokemon Red is that you're a kid tasked by a professor to adventure around a world populated by animals called pokemon, making friends with some of these magnificent creatures and entirely grow with them by learning all about this new world while at the same time being the best in training your very own pokemon.

Okay. That's the sanitized version of it.

Here's the lowdown: You're a prepubsecent youth who one day encounters a strange old man who calls himself "Professor Pokemon" (a name that should already send serious red flags when given a realworld context) and he gives you a strange animal called a pokemon in exchange for running away from home to collect more "pokemon" by imprisoning them in small capsules called pokeballs that can be anything but comfortable to stay in. There are roughly 150 types to capture, assuming you have that much balls.

You will use these pokemon you captured to fight your way through hoards of wild pokemon who probably want you dead more than anything (clue: it's because they hate being imprisoned in your pokeballs). Think using cockfighting to save your life. From wild cocks. Hordes of them hiding in the grass, waiting for you to pass by.

Throughout your journey, "poketrainers" will challenge you with money at stake. If you win, you get to rob them of money (and quite possibly dignity, citation needed) and vice versa. Again, think using cockfights to save yourself from highway robbers.

To prove you are a really amazing "poketrainer" you have to go to gyms, which are basically fraternities of poketrainers that you have to beat up with your enslaved animals. Once you beat everybody inside their base including the leader, you get a badge reminiscent of a boyscout badge. Kinda like certifications for cockfighting. "Senior Sabongero Expert" etc.

Towards the end you get to save the world from an evil organization who is hell bent in ruling the word by, wait for it -

...

...

...

using Pokemons!

I'm not sure how. I'm not really into finding out, but you have to defeat these bad dudes by winning cockfights erm pokebattles against them. I'm not sure how that'll stop somebody though but I never really got that far in the game.

That's the long and short of it. To sum up the premise it's basically a cockfighter roleplaying game for kids.

2,213,342,123.24 sequels later comes Pokemon Pearl. A quick glance at the game tells you it's still the same game with slightly different factors (like names and there are now 400++ pokemon types to enslave) and you'd think it probably took a programmer 5 minutes to create this latest incarnation of Pokemon (3 minutes to think of the title)

I'm not sure why this is a kid's game. I'm not even sure why I have it loaded in my DS. Maybe it's the badges. Maybe it's the fixation to "catch 'em all".

Or maybe I'm just bored of my fucking wits.

Yeah, that.

Transformers The Movie

alternate title: Mighty Morphing Power Robots From Outerspace (And Mars)

Okay. So this article is a bit late. I was on vacation. Deal with it. Actually, I was prepared to not watch the whole thing on cinema anymore but then again, having to live my life with every other person I talk to opens or end conversations with "have you seen Transformers?" and not have a clue what to say other than "Yeah, cool" doesn't sound very appealing on a conversational point of view.

So there I was, in the Cinema. My actions for the duration of the movie can be summarised into two bullet points:

- Screaming "HOLY SHIT! That was AWESOME"
- Waiting for more moments to scream "HOLY SHIT! That was AWESOME!"

The sensation was inexplicable, at least, for the duration of the movie. Only after watching did I realize what gave me that effect (along with nausea I last experienced after watching SpyKids 3d, regrettably, in the big screen - but that's for anther tale.)

Two things made this flick three times cooler than it is:

- Very very loud sound effects. (see: Saving Private Ryan soundfx)
- Cameramen who shoot like they're in continous orgasm (see: Saving Private Ryan cinematography).

I can only name a handful of scenes when the robots were shown moving and the camera was still. Sure it added some element of connection to the audience but when viewers are spending half the time wondering which part of robot they're seeing it's possible you're doing it TOO MUCH.

And maybe I'm just exaggerating, but sound from the theater beside ours was seeping into the soundproof chamber because of the volumes they had to use for the movie. But then again, it's an action flick so yeah, it's okay.

In all fairness, the movie is groundbreaking in a sense that a lot of newer military artifacts were shown on film for the first time. The IED-proof Personnel Carrier, F22 Raptors, the recon robot Predator - all these were shown on screen for the first time (with a bit of altering of course). But that's just for the military fanboy in me talking.

Storywise, it was pretty straightforward, like the 80s cartoons. Good vs evil, good triumphs, fin. Several sidestories were added to keep things from drowning in overtestosterone (see: The 300 plot) and yeah, they were good distractions.

Now, on to the robots. Here's the short version of what's the follow: Where are the original Transformers?

Sure, I understand that you have to make things slightly more realistic than a 20-ton robot transforming into a handgun but other than details like that, I don't see why they had to change everything beyond the point of recognition (add extra vibrating camera and you get what I mean)

Case in point: Optimus Prime. He's already a trailer with a very different look when transformed, WHY CHANGE THE PAINTJOB? Is it because the red and blue is not "extreme" enough so you have to add sticker flames? Here's an idea. Next time we make a movie about George Washington, lets make him black and give him semiautomatics so he's more "badass".

Bottomline: If you're making a movie about an 80s cartoon and you cant be bothered with details like making the movie appear anything near the cartoon: You're missing the point.

Okay okay, so some parts actually look like the cartoon. Shia Lebeuf (spelling I've given up on) actually looks like Bumblebee's human friend.

Overall, the movie, as I have screamed out so many times during the showing, is awesome. You still cant beat that formulaic level of special effects mixed with nostalgia. I enjoyed the movie, but maybe less as an incarnation of the old Transformers but more of a new movie franchise loosely based on the old ones. Franchise, because everybody knows until Optimuz Prime starts having children, Michael Bay will continue churning sequels (see: Pirates of The Carribean, Shrek, Little Mermaid, Zorro, Lion King)

As a closing note, I just want to say one thing:

LOL, JAZZ SUCKS.

Missing Link :)

Actually I just dont have anything to place here right now. Have some documentary from our last trip to Palawan. :)

Fantasy Chat: Tree Afterlife

One of the most interesting "fantasy" conversations I'd like to hear is the type of chat trees would be having in the afterlife. I understand of course that trees cannot talk and there's very little chance that they have the same concept of afterlife as us but what the heck - I'm sure it's interesting enough, specially when they start talking about how they died and for what purpose they died.

Here's how I think it would go:

Tree #1: What's up man?
Tree #2: I got killed, that's what.
Tree #3: 'Sall part of they cycle man.
Tree #2: Easy for you to say, I didn't like the way I died.
Tree #1: And why's that? A lot of trees die without ever getting used for anything. You're in tree heaven which means you did something good upon dying.
Tree #2: I'm not sure about that.
Tree:#3: So where'd your stuff end up?
Tree #2: ...
Tree #1: Aww come on man, it can't be that bad. Me, I ended up being magazine paper.
Tree #2: Not bad. At least you made people more intelligent and entertained.
Tree #1: FHM Magazine.
Tree #2: Oh.
Tree #1: I don't think I can face my mother after learning parts of me recieved the wrong type of fluid coming out of a treecutter's wang. Piss yes. Sticky sap - NO.
Tree #2: Still, FHM is a pretty popular magazine. So much so they even mention us when reading it. "I got wood." see?
Tree #3: Yeah.
Tree #1: It was the Pops Fernandez issue.
Tree #3: God damn that sucks.
Tree #2: Wow, that's amazingly unlucky.
Tree #1: Still, it's a grace compared to my friend here.
Tree #3: Yeah.
Tree #2: Why, what happened to you man?
Tree #3: Chair. Not even intelligent shit.
Tree #2: Chairs are used for a very long time. Isn't that cool?
Tree #3: Not really. It actually depends on what chair you are.
Tree #2: What kind of chair were you?
Tree #3: Presidential chair.
Tree #2: And that's a bad thing because...
Tree #3: Right chair, wrong presidency.
Tree #2: Which was...
Tree #3: 13th. Erap sat on me.
Tree #2: XD
Tree #3: God damn that bitch was fat. Everytime he sat down I felt my wood creak even in the afterlife.
Tree #2: Still, you're pretty fucking famous, being the chair of a president who never finished sitting in Malacañang.
Tree #3: I forgot to mention he never washes his balls.
Tree #2: Okay, okay, sucks to be you too.
Tree #2: *Sigh*
Tree #1: I dont get it. Why are you still fucking down?
Tree #2: I'd still want to trade places with you guys.
Tree #3: And that's because...
Tree #2: I'm too embarassed to tell what happened.
Tree #1: What the fuck man. I had Pops' 40+ year-old cleavage printed on me.
Tree #3: And I had to put up with royally sweaty balls.
Tree #2: Yeah, that. But I -
Tree #1: Just spill it already.
Tree #2: Okay okay.
Tree #3: What happened to your wood then?
Tree #2: tissue paper.
Tree #1 & #3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
Tree #1: You fucked up.
Tree #3: Quite fucking true. Seriously.

So the next time you use any kind of wood-based products, think of the tree that died for that purpose. And think of his feelings in Tree heaven when he looks down on you (literally and figuratively) as you wipe that shit-crusted ass of yours with tissue paper. (Also, don't buy the Pops Fernandez FHM issue, if possible so it won't happen again)

Palawan Randomness

- El Nido means "the nest". This is a very little known fact, even among its residents. It is named after the famous edible nests that are built by birds native to the place on the place's high cliffs. If in case you go there, do keep in mind that not all nests are edible as some may deceptively look like bird's nests but are instead common bat shit.

- And no, El Nido was not named after the milk powder. If you want to really know the relationship, Nestle, makers of Nido uses the logo of a nest. Nido means nest. So there.

- Learn to appreciate the small things. If the fish that you see while snorkeling are small, live with it. Remember that when those colourful coral fish are large enough for your tastes, they're also large enough for sharks. And so are you.

- Two facts: Dolphins outside amusement parks do exist and dolphins do exist here in the Philippines. Not all dolphins respond to the call "Hey Flipper!", contraryu to what that motherfucker Elijah Wood showed us in the mid 90s.

- Palawan is actually a big place. The capital Puerto Princesa is actually six hours away from El Nido through one of the most insane roads to travel around this time of the year. When wet, huge sections of the road turn into soft clay that are less like roads and more like batter for your shrimp tempura. Fog often reduces visibility to zero and the sudden changes of road angles sends your vehicle flying and crashing into the dirt/mud every now and then. If you are planning on going to El Nido to relax, take the goddamn plane. Seriously.

- El Nido is still on of the most beautiful places on earth. Every man able should at least visit the place once in his life. But you know what's also beautiful? Jessica Alba naked. For this case, I'm the only person deserving of the privelage of seeing her in that state.

- When somebody comes home from the beach, it is not necessary to mention "umitim ka". First of all, nobody ever goes to a beach and ends up whiter than before unless they kind of drowned or died by some other means. Next, you'd think the guy who owns the aforementioned skin already knows by now the tanned condition. No shit, sherlock.

- I'm tried. Bukas na lang ulit.