Our Dying Press

Just now, I read Manila Bulletin's latest bombshell in the cold war arms race of retarded online articles by our lovable newspapers. I've seen the future of journalism. It's brave. It's bold. Damn straight, it's loaded with double dutch special of dumb shit I won't pay for if it's print.

Case in point? The link to the article is here:

Gargoyles Out To Snatch Christmas


(more after the jump)

It took me half of the article to realize what the hell Allan Fransisco was talking about. The column is supposed to be about IT. There is the world Gargoyle on the title. And under normal circumstances not involving mild retardation, there has to be some connection.

Two paragraphs later, my good friend "correlation" still cannot be found. Neither are there any attributable context clues that would point out that I was, in fact, reading the writer's mental fart about the Maguindanao Massacre, and not about a videogame involving Gargoyles (which would've been awesome)

Speaking of which, GARGOYLES. Let's talk about that for a minute here. Think of a bad word to describe the Ampatuans. Try to think of as many as you can, and see how long the list goes before the word "Gargoyle" enters your mind. A stone, gothic looking waterspout carved in the image of a winged beast. An ELEGANT STONE RAIN DRAIN. It never entered my brain. It probably never will.

Jesus. No.

And that's just the start. For the sake of being fair, I'll assume that four paragraphs later, Allan Fransico was hit by a hard object at the soft spot of his skull and completely dislodged the idea that he was writing about the Ampatuans in the article and replaced it completely with iPhones, because honestly, I can't think of two topics more irrelevant to each other than a cold blooded killer and a trendy communications device.

Writing style is absolutely purple. I had to remind myself twice while reading the article that I'm not reading Twilight fanfiction. I can also understand that this is supposed to be an opinion-type of column, but the lack of facts almost makes me think the guy basically sat down, thought of one or two things he and his friends talked over lunch that day, and just wrote them the fuck down like nobody would ever read it. Because that's what I think this is. Glorified scribble.

If winners get to write history, I would assume columns like this are what losers would write. Is this what journalism has come to? Some guy sitting down for 15 minutes without researching anything and then publishing substandard horse shit for people to read? Quoting Michael Crichton, "In the information society, nobody thinks. We expect to banish paper, but we actually banish thought"

What the fuck happened? It almost feels like there was some point in time not too long ago, editors of online newspapers woke up one morning, realized that unlike their traditional counterparts, their money won't come from people who will appreciate their journalistic prowess, integrity, and writing skills.

No, on the internet, it's all about how many people accidentally stumble on your website and consciously/unconsciously click on your ads. Imagine being an opera singer whose income depends on how many packs of peanuts gets sold during her performance. You don't have to sing well, just have lots of shows to get more peanuts.

In a knee jerk reaction, the editors went "Fuck it. Fuck integrity. Let's make money!" and just went on letting writers do whatever the fuck they want for articles like the dumb sonnvabitch gargoyle article that fucking pointless and a waste of my time.

*pant pant*

Going back.

I remember before, I was being recruited by a friend to write online articles for him for 300 pesos per piece. He says it's a good way to make money and exercise my literary muscles. He knew it in his heart as well as I did that it's not really about what I write about, but how much visibility my article will give his clients on search engines. I could write as horribly as I could for all he cared but it wouldn't really matter. I turned down the offer and politely asked him to go fuck himself. (we're not friends anymore, if you still haven't figured that one out).

There are still days I refuse to believe this model is now what our once revered publications are now adopting. And clearly, there is something fundamentally wrong in having the voice of civilized society turn into money-making drabble.

Fuck gargoyles. More than anything else, I believe this warehouse-style of writing is killing our free press faster than any Ampatuan can.

Regarding NiHao (NI)'s rescheduled SRO

This is related to my previous posts regarding trading with NiHao(NI). Reposted from my favorite message board.

Maybe JAP and his gang had this planned out from the start. Everybody knows the moment Dec 11 neared, the stock will drop. Looking at the drop the past week or so, they could have sh**ted along the way to a very huge profit. And then they execute an extension at the last possible minute, disrupting the timing of everybody.

Eto lang po idea ko.

Now we're thinking, maybe they are going to push the price up again? One week is more than enough to squeeze in yet another rise/fall cycle. People will look into buying becuase of this thought. And the jockeys aren't stupid. They will expect this mentality and work their magic trying to reinforce that idea by jockeying the price and let the buyers play last touch until sometime next week. They have the funds after all, from the sh*rts they could have done.

If the jockeys play their cards right, the stock price will rise at a rate higher than ever, and there's no way in hell even a pricedrop halfway through the week can bring it back to the level it's touched today. Because if we learned something about NI, its price doesn't avalanche down, so by the time the SRO shares get released, the amount will be bigger.

Guess what's happening after the SRO listing date? LIHC ASM. They'll announce the par change, the SRO and let the sellers jump ship to yet another M7 stock.

Talk about keeping money within the community eh?

Of course, you'd ask, this is a zero sum game right? Unless new investors start flocking, it's probably true. Then how come everybody seems to be winning? The people who got stuck at the top, those to cut loss. That's where the profit is coming from. The philosopher's stone is made with the blood of victims.

Now all of this is just a theory. I cannot say I'm exceptionally good in TA or FA. Best indicator I can think of is is if the price of NI starts rising on Friday and continues on Monday. In that case, the real game begins.

Again, just a wild theory.

Yes, Damn It, I'm Endorsing Somebody

Vandalism, Highlighters

I used to wonder why the MMDA insisted on drawing pink lines on ALL streets in Manila, until I realized one thing. Holy shit, Bayani Fernando wants our streets to be highlighted in Google Maps! Think of Manila as review material and MMDA as a HUGE Stabilo highlighter.

Which reminds me, I never really got to understand why some people insist on using a highlighter, to highlight every fucking word in whatever they're reviewing. Where's the point there? So your notes can double up as a roadside warning device?

I remember back in highschool, vandalism was such a big problem all sorts of felt-tip markers were banned. The pentel pens were the first to go, understandably. But being highschool students in an All-Boys school, that wasn't nearly enough to stop us from drawing penis symbols all over the campus, as though a testicular voice from outerspace commands us to pay homage. No, we turned to Stabilo highlighters, which in the end were banned too. So much for Neon graffiti. But did that stop our artistic drive?

Not even close. Seeing there are no longer other options, vandals started using the only things still legal - ballpoint pens. Can you imagine how hard it is to vandalize a bathroom tile with just a pen? You don't write anymore. You CARVE. You can just imagine the dedication of the people who did vandalisms in our all-tile CR (designed as such so vandalisms are easy to clean up). The guys who did Mount Rushmore would be so proud. Although, they might not be as approving of the message "Malaki ang Suso ni Miss Tabuso", complete with a graphical representation to drive the point home.

I don't even get why we have to write those things. I mean, our teacher has a huge rack. That's a given. Normal people would smile at the thought. Normal teenagers would probably masturbate. A small minority will see this as an opportunity to capture a message and get it out the only way they can - WRITE IT ON THE COMFORT ROOM WALLS.

Other times, you'd even see replies to vandalisms, and replies to replies, each just as funny and depressing as the last.

And then I realized, it was 1996, and I was in highschool.

I was staring at threads upon threads of anonymous conversation on the CR walls.

And numbers of illustrations, both lewd and random.

And probably the earliest incarnation of 4chan.

Apparently, even Ohm got it all wrong.

Rubber gloves = 1 MILLION OHMS. Touch them and you'll die.

Condoms = ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND OHMS. Protection? More like SUICIDE.

Listen to this man. He knows his Physics.

Random Banter

When a row of seats inside a jeepney contains at least one fat guy whose humongous buttocks displaces the equivalent of the ass-space of one and a half persons, does it make sense for the last guy to charge the fat guy half of his fare for the asscheek he will not be able to sit properly? If he does not, does it not constitute as stealing? Note that I am not discriminating fat people. I simply believe in pragmatic rationalization. You take up more mass. You need to pay more.

An upsidedown cake is an upsidedown cake, until you give it to a bat.

There's no "i" in "team", but interestingly, there's an "i" in the "square root of negative one".

Inquirer Hates Numbers

Dear Inquirer,

Make up your goddamn mind. Bodycounts do not rise and fall every other hour.

Thanks,
Public Static

Spore Islands Cheats, Tips, and Tricks

Spore Islands is a facebook game based on the popular PC game SPORE. In this game, you play the invisible hand of evolution/intelligent design (whichever you think made us what we are). The game is mostly about balancing your creature's stats enough so that it thrives in the Spore Islands area map and dominates the other species. You can go to other people's maps as well for more points, and they can go to yours too.

Here are some cheats, tips, and tricks for Spore Islands that I've been able to figure during my playing time. I hope this guide will guide you to a better playing position.

- You don't necessarily have to be the top of the food chain. If you can reproduce faster than your predators can eat you, you will still win in dominance.

- Using only one source of food is very risky, specially in crowded maps of Spore island.

- Fastest way to accumulate points is to appoint friends who can design "food" creatures for yours. To be fair, you can also design "food" creatures for them. Food creatures are badly designed creatures that can be eaten by your creatures as additional sources of food, all the while ensuring they do not compete with your creatures in terms of resources (make them eat rare herbs for example)

- If you're going for top predator, you can lower the sensitivity to danger to just one, because if anybody attacks you, you can always just annihilate them. Increase food/spark sensitivity instead.

- When building noncarnivores, go for either the extremity of defense or speed. Speed works well with fast multiplication and light weight. Kinda like real life.

- Lots of friends = more diversity = more points for all. So keep inviting people to your island.

- The more creatures you have roaming in your island, the faster points accumulates. If you're the top predator, expect to dominate the early part of the round, but as your food falls and your numbers go up, hunger will kill off most of your kind. If you're unlucky and get one creature stuck on a creatureless sector, you will be left with no creatures at all! After that, it's going to be a tough climb back up.

- Adding up above, consistency is key. To avoid overpopulation and crashing afterwards, carefully balance out your reproduction rate with the available food, which varies from location to location, and the local inhabitants of the place. In the event that you're not on top of the chain however, you should also take into account the chance your creature will get eaten. Again, getting eaten is not such a bad thing, as long as you can sustain losses. Don't worry about having your creature's ass handed back to him everytime it gets into a fight.We're playing survival here of a species, not just one creature. Insects are weak compared to humans, but they outnumber us by a million to one. Same logic applies. To sum up, do not overreproduce, do not underreproduce and you get the points.

- One interesting thing about this game is that what works for one island will not necessarily work on the next. Stats for every animal on your island is available in the main screen so you can copy interesting builds for your creatures.

- It's easy to give builds to people, but the fact is, all builds are equal and differ only by how well they interact with each other. The main objective of you as a player of this game is to figure out how to exploit the ecosystem. If you see a type of resource being underutilized, adopt your creature to it.

That's it for now, I'll add more tips and tricks later. Good luck with your spore island! Happy gaming!

The REAL Alternative for 2010

Tired of having to pick over fruits being handed out to you by dubious looking strangers? Me too. To be quite frank, picking a presidentiable right now feels like picking the type of firearm you want to shoot yourself with. We need somebody who can represent our feeling that we're already tired of the usual gang of posers. Somebody who can make the country follow them. Make the country listen. We need people who can educate our masses. We need people who can foster values. My fellow citizens, I hereby propose the creation of a new party. Bayang Ayaw sa Tiwaling Indibidwal, Balimbing, O Trapo PANAHON NA. TAYO NA. DOON SA BATIBOT. President - Kuya Bodjie - Sino pa ba nag pwedeng makapagpasunod sa bayan na ito kundi ang ating "kuya" na kinalakihan? Sya lang ang kayang magasabi ng "Mga Bata!" na hindi mo iisiping kontra bida sya. Vice President - Ate Sienna - Si Sienna, natural na vice president kasi magaling syang sumuporta sa mga layunin ni Bodjie, at hindi sya balimbing. Department of Defense - Pong Pagong - May mas titibay pa ba sa pagong? Amphibious, malaki, matibay, malaki ang mata. Office of the Ombudsman - Kiko Matsing - Kung ungguyan din lang, si Ka Kiko na sasalo sa iyo. Walang makakapagtago sa baging ng batas. DOST - Sitsiritsit - San ka pa? Alien to tol. From outerspace, hindi India. Hightech. DOH - Alibangbang - Alam kong bawal ang nepotismo sa gobyerno, pero hindi naman talaga magkapatid sila ni Sitsiritsit. Preba? Hindi pareho ang apelyido nila. Dela Cruz si Sitsiritsit, Perez naman si Alibangbang. (sinabi nila sakin to dati, pero top secret daw kasi nga alien sila) Press Secretary - Irma Daldal - Artista. Madaldal. Parang si Kris Aquino, pero walang STD. DECS - Kapitan Basa - Galit sa illiteracy at mga malimaling libro. Lumilipad. Kaya ba ng DECS secretary natin na lumipad? Pakyu. Dito na tayo. DPWH - Koko Kwik-Kwak - Tutal naman walang may gusto sa kanya, inilagay sya sa DPWH, para kung maging tiwali sya, pwede natin syang ipabaril. Walang malulungkot. PANAHON NA. TAYO NA. DOON SA BATIBOT. BATIBOT PARTY. VOTE STRAIGHT. VOTE SMART.

Meaning of Workplace Objects

Here's a list of common items you find on the workdesks of your officemates. I've taken the time to translate what they're trying to convey and what they really mean.

Anime Figurines

- I am a connoisseur of the oriental art of animation.

- I secretly masturbate to this figurine when nobody is around.

World's Best Dad Mug

- I have children who love me, hence the mug.

- My children are either largely unimaginative or gifted with the virtue of sarcasm

Lots of paperwork

- I'm a very busy person, back off.

- I hate mother nature, and digital information.

Certificates/Trophies

- I am the alpha employee in this office. Just take a look at it.

- But it doesn't make up for my small penis.

Pictures of Children

- My children are awesome.

- If you hate long long tales of my kid's firsts, avoid bringing that topic up.

Chinese ornaments

- I've very sensitive to the chi around me, which I feel compelled to protect with these artifacts.

- Sometimes, I see dead people.

Rubbing Alcohol

- I'm a very hygienic person.

- Sometimes, when we talk, I imagine bacteria coming out of your mouth hitting my face. Gross.